No for real, are you nuts? I know it sounds a bit weird to ask, but after a little self examination, I’m starting to think it is a valid question, especially for myself.
In a section of the #powersheets (see previous post), I got to the section where you are meant to state all of the significant things that have happened in the last year, both good and bad. Naturally, the very first thing on my “what has not been working in the last year” list was quite obviously my relationship, or lack thereof. That was easy to put at the top of the list. What wasn’t easy was then using that moment and filling out the “lessons I learned from what didn’t work” list.
This particular section tore me up for a few days. What lesson could I have possibly learned other than I will never date again, boys suck, and I should probably start picking up stray cats because only they can love me? After much consideration, I came to the conclusion that I was slap the hell out of my mind. Yep, ya heard me…insane. As far as I was concerned, I was the perfect girlfriend, until I thought about it… They say it takes two to tango, so it was time to face the music and find where I was stepping on his toes.
Turns out I was doing more of a flamenco, on both of his feet, all the time.
I may not have stalked him or blown up his car, because I’m not actually crazy (not in that sense anyway), but if you’ve ever looked back on a relationship and wondered how it all fell apart.. ask yourself these questions:
Were/are you insecure?
I know that everyone has their insecurities, but you have to really look back and ask yourself if those insecurities were/are crippling. In my case, they were and I didn’t even realize it. This is the part where you think…yeah, so what, I was insecure, he’s not my diary, why does he care, what does it even matter? The answer: It matters more than you give it credit for. In my case, being insecure made me a sponge for his affection and acceptance. That doesn’t sound too bad until you get to the part where I would lose my skittles whenever he would go ten minutes without singing my praises. For two years he paid the price for my bass ackwards way of thinking about myself.
Insecurity can cause people to do some pretty insane things. If provoked, insecurity can cripple a person, and being in a relationship doesn’t automatically fix that. As a matter of fact, it kind of makes it worse because now you have ten million other things to be insecure about. Does he love me? Does he see a future with me? Are we really going to work? Where is this going? Why hasn’t he texted me? Is he cheating on me? Does he think that girl is prettier than me? Does he even think I’m pretty? Why isn’t he answering the phone? He’s the only one that will ever love me. He’s mad at me therefore we are breaking up. I really don’t want him to leave me…. It looks pretty ridiculous on paper, but if you’re honest with yourself and find that this is or was your mind…STOP. Seriously. You are insane. Not Charles Manson insane. More of like a, you’re going to rip a lot of relationships into shreds because you can’t get over yourself, insane.
Solution? Love yourself. That’s it. Fall madly and deeply in love with who you are right now. Not ten pounds from now, not fifty pounds of makeup from now, not after that job promotion,RIGHT NOW. If you can’t do that, don’t be in a relationship, because no other person can be responsible for making you love yourself. If you find someone you love that loves you right back, don’t torture them by giving them the task of constantly reassuring you because you’re brain looks like an R. Kelly video. Your insecurity is not their fault, but it will become their responsibility, and no human can do that “forever and always.” You will find that as soon as you start telling yourself that you are attractive, intelligent, funny, kind, and loving, life and your relationship will become a better place, and you can officially scratch psycho, clingy partner of your résumé.
Second question: Are you/were you unhappy?
I’m sure you’ve heard the whole, you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else, speech, yeah? Well…it’s legit, run with that ish. An unhappy person tends to make everyone miserable, and/or they become dependent on their significant other for their happiness. Misery probably is one of the most contagious emotions there is, and in the close emotional quarters you and your partner are in together (aka a relationship), it’s only a matter of time before you take them down with you.
Think about it: Have you ever listened to an entire Taylor Swift/Adele album and walked away ready to go to Mardi Gras? Um, no. You’re probably ready to jump off a cliff while singing their catchy, yet morose lyrics. That kind of misery can seep through your headphones, what makes you think it can’t seep into your relationship?
The sad part of this whole thing is…relationships are dangerous, falling in love can mask a huge amount of unhappiness, but not because you’ve actually become happy. In reality, your partner just became responsible for your happiness, and it’s only a matter of time before they’re listening to Adele in the fetal position too…oooor they leave you, like any non-miserable, healthy person would do. Getting married, having babies, and growing old with someone is not a process to take on if you can’t be in your own mind, because as much as everyone likes to think that is the ultimate happiness, it can be the ultimate misery if you aren’t happy to your core.
Annnnd I think I actually just figured out why Taylor Swift has had 3,012 boyfriends in the last five years. I’m a genius, someone email this to Taylor. You’re welcome.
Solution? Get happy. Keep a journal, blow bubbles, watch you tube videos of high squirrels, dance around naked (works like a charm), people watch at Walmart, get some counseling, see if Oprah can help…I don’t really care, just do something that makes YOU happy.
Last but no least in the are you a psychotic girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse panel… are you emotionally independent?
Who is responsible for your happiness? Who is responsible for your self worth? Who do you NEED in your life to be content? If you answered anything but ‘me,’ you may just be a psychotic partner, and you are most definitely setting yourself up for devastation. If you are not happy with yourself, if you cannot love yourself, if you cannot control any of your own emotions or decisions, what makes you think anybody else can? It doesn’t matter how much they love you. If you can’t be your own person and live your own life, your significant other has no option but to disappoint you. No one is perfect, they will make mistakes, and if your emotional well being relies on your partners opinion of you, you’re going down like a lead balloon, sister.
All of this to say, there isn’t a universal solution, just pull it together before you get in a relationship or before it falls apart. I wish somebody would have asked me if I was psycho before I had to learn that I was in fact, a raving lunatic, in the most difficult way possible…the end.
I’ve learned to be happy on my own, I’ve learned to dream for myself, I’ve learned that I am freakin’ stupendous without changing a thing, and most importantly, I learned to truly love myself, and let me tell you, it’s so liberating. Now I know that if things go as I want them to with my special someone, I will be who I need to be. I will be happy and he will just make me happier, he will become a part of my dreams, not the foundation of them, I will believe him when he says I’m the bomb.com, and I will love myself just as much, if not more than he loves me. It changed my life and it’s only getting better.