This is raw. Maybe too raw…but I’m hurt, and this is how I deal with it. It doesn’t make sense, I wrote it with tears in my eyes, and very little desire to edit any part of it, but you asked for real, so here it is.
I wasn’t designed to be criticized. I don’t think any woman is. I can’t speak for all of us, but I personally can’t take being criticized by the people or even just a person I love the most. When I truly love someone, their words cut me the deepest.
In reality, I can handle a verbal lashing from most anybody and I can very easily shake it off, but the slightest hint of disapproval from a family member or significant other can bring me to my knees. When I love someone, their opinion of me means more than that of any average Joe. I work to make them proud, and that criticism makes me feel like I have failed them some how.
No one in this world is harder on me than myself, but somehow the approval of those I love lessens the every day wounds I inflict on myself. Chances are, every criticism someone slaps me with, I’ve already brutally assaulted myself with numerous times, and hearing it from someone I love just pours salt in the wound.
I am a people pleaser with those that I care about. I very rarely let people in to that “circle of love” because people make mistakes, and they can be harsh, so it takes a long time before I give yet another person the ability to cut my self esteem.
If I love you, if I have fallen in love with you, please keep in mind that all I want to do is please you and make you proud of me. I want you to think I’m the best person in the world, because if I have given you the power to hurt me, I clearly think that way of you.
A bit of constructive criticism is necessary, but please remember that I think the world fell out of your pocket, and your words have the power to hurt me and break me down. If you have to criticize, please be gentle, and please give me a solution, because the idea of not being good enough for you with no potential redemption is crippling and slightly heartbreaking. It makes me want to rid you from my little love circle, because constantly disappointing you will eventually prove to be too much.
I know how much it hurts to be criticized, therefore I will never rake you over the coals for hurting me, because I don’t want to repeat the cycle. I just take it as a hit, and try to be better…what else can I do?
There are only about five of you that have this power, but chances are, one of you five is reading this. If I made the conscious decision to love you, and give your words power, please use them wisely, because you’ll never know how much they can help or hurt the image that I have of myself.
Use your words cautiously, because you are one of the five people in this world that have the ability to reinforce all of my insecurities. I am very hard on myself, so your praises may need reinforcement every once in a while, but your criticism will always linger within me.
Sorry for being so morose, but if you wanted real, you just got it.