Is there something wrong with me?!
I want a man to fall in love with my mind before there is any type of physical connection. I refuse to be that girl that throws myself on a drunk boy, and sometimes I wish I was capable of it. Sometimes that inability to be a part of the hook-up culture makes me feel like a prude.
Am I naïve for believing that I can cover my body, preserve my dignity, value my mind and still find love? Most of you would say no, but do me a favor and really think about that…. I’m starting to feel like my naïve way of thinking has landed me in a dark place, that I never thought I would be in.
I am feeling insecure, rejected, and almost unlovable since my sisters in respectable behavior seem to have left the club. I watched one of my friends have a few drinks and hand her dignity to a boy that had no feelings for her, another one go on serial “causal dates,” and the rest of them winning attention and relationships in ways I could never see myself doing.
In reality, I know those types of relationships are shallow and not worth the hype, but irrationally they make me feel horrible. I wonder, am I not funny enough? Am I not as pretty? Am I not sexy? Am I boring? Am I just doomed to play second fiddle to the drunk girl with a libido higher than her IQ? Is that all I’m worth? Do I have to choose my dignity over my love life?
Rationally, I know that I am pretty, intelligent, well-spoken, funny, definitely NOT a prude, and above all those things, I strive to be modest in every sense of the word. With my dress, with my actions, with words, I want to present myself as a lady in every aspect of my life.
I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I make off the wall comments, sometimes I can’t be bothered to put on a bra before returning a Redbox, and I have definitely done some pretty stupid things in the name of attention, but above all of those things, my dignity and my integrity are the foundation of who I am.
I want a man that is intelligent, well traveled (or at least cultured), ambitious, polite, and just an overall gentlemen. I strive to be the woman that type of man can be proud of. I want to be the woman whose class and integrity will impress his mother, whose intelligence and poise will please his father, and whose love and compassion will raise our children, not just a good time at a party or some girl he hooked up with once.
I thought that was the right way to do things…but yet here I am, asking myself, do I always have to feel this dark to stand by what I believe? Will I always be the girl at the party that cries herself to sleep because he didn’t choose me? Do I have to disappoint my parents, or myself in order to have the approval that comes with finally being “that girl”? Or will my choices pay off some day? Will I eventually be the girl that gets chosen? Will I get my good time turned happily ever after?
I’m not sure, and it is so easy to get discouraged, but my mom always said that if I had to sell myself to keep someone, I paid way too much. So I guess I will ignore that deep insecurity, avoid those parties and potentially damaging situations (nothing good can come out of them), and wait for the benefits of my choices to find me.
If you are feeling discouraged in any way, please feel free to email me, I would love to hear from you and exchange thoughts.
Lucy Loves Life xx