Yeah, I said it. I have a talent that most people see as a blessing, and as I sit here wondering why I was chosen to have it, I feel like I have some how wasted a G-d given gift.
For those of you who don’t know (and most of you probably don’t), I can sing. I’m not just talking about a Christina Aguilera cover type singing, but classically/operatically trained singing. I can belt it out y’all. As a matter of fact, my voice is the only thing I am 100% confident in. You can say I’m the worst person that has ever lived, and I may believe you…but nobody can tell me that I’m not at least a little talented in the vocal department.
Anyway, now that I’m done tooting my own horn, let’s get to the point…
I went for a walk with my mom the other night and she said “I miss your voice. Unfortunately (because I never do it), it’s one of the things that makes me genuinely happy.”
Her words hit me. I miss my voice too. It takes power to sing the way I am trained to, and sometimes…okay…all the time, I miss it. The feeling after every performance, even if just for myself, makes me feel unstoppable.
I’m not training, I refuse to be a secular artist, my voice is useless in my place of worship, theater wasn’t working out for me, and singing in my garage to keep me from going mad is no longer a real option in this Dallas heat… there is nothing… I feel like a waste of talent. My voice, it’s power, the rush that comes with knowing I am capable of such a thing… It’s a huge waste, and sometimes I resent it.
I resent the fact that I have a talent some people would kill for. I resent that I have a talent that is purposeless. I resent being saddled with the burden of finding a purpose for a talent I didn’t ask for, that continues to haunt me with it’s uselessness.
I haven’t trained my voice since I was 15, and some days I feel like I might wake up and realize it’s no longer there. I have no reason to use my voice, and yet I’m terrified of losing it.
I know I sound like an ungrateful cry-baby…and you’re probably right, but sometimes I wish I knew life before feeling this tremendous pressure to find a purpose for a talent that seems like both a blessing and a curse. People are always telling me not to waste my talent, and sometimes, I just wish I knew what they meant.
Is my voice a waste? Everything is meant to happen for a reason, but in this case I’m left wondering if my voice isn’t categorized under “everything.”
What do you think? Can you sympathize with this in any aspect of your life? Am I the biggest cry-baby in the world? Let me know! I would really love some insight, and maybe even some words of encouragement.
Lucy Loves Life xx