Awestruck Smiles

Oh heyyy, it’s journal time once again. I haven’t had the time to journal about anything of substance this week… mainly because by the end of the day I am so tired  I pass out before my head hits the pillow…literally. But something relatively important happened in my mind last night, so here is my attempt at substance…

Awestruck 11/20/14:

 I don’t even remember a time when I was as tired as I was last night. After going to class, cram writing my honors essay, and working a 7 hour day, on about 4.5 hours of sleep… my someone special picked me up from the end of my work day(we will call him Grant). We went and got coffee to appease the silly thought that I was actually going to be able to finish working on my essay (LOL) and then Grant brought me home… where I proceeded to put my coffee down and pass out, fail.

In my state of exhaustion, it totally escaped me that Grant was still sitting in the chair next to my bed…apparently we were having a conversation (don’t ask me what I said). When I opened my eyes, I saw him smiling at me. And it was not the kind of smile he gives when he finds something funny…

He was looking at me as I fought sleep with an awestruck smile on his face. It was a look of awe, adoration, love..whatever you want to call it… it was different. He looked at me with a feeling in his eyes that I am so very familiar with, because I’ve looked at someone the same way.

I’m not going to lie…it snapped me back to planet Earth in a heart racing, wonderful, terrifying kind of way, because I could remember exactly what Grant was feeling so vividly.

I remember looking at “his” sleeping face and feeling my heart fill with love, as if it were yesterday. It sounds super creepy to watch someone sleep/fall asleep, but there is something kind of amazing about looking at the face you love in total peace, with the ability to see every beautiful little detail. I remember the way my heart would swell… and watching Grant experience the same thing was wonderful, and scary at the same time.

It was then that I realized how much he cares for me, it was then I recalled that same experience when I was the awestruck smiler, and it was then that fear brought me out of my sleep induced coma.

It scared me because it was then that I realized that I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten. I haven’t forgotten the type of love you can literally feel, I haven’t forgotten what it is like to have that love hurt in ways I never knew possible, and I haven’t forgotten that I never want to feel either of those two memories, ever again.

As soon as I moved beyond my fear, it was wonderful, and I basked in the feeling of having someone look at me like that for once. It has been so long, years even, since someone that I cared about looked at me the way Grant did last night. To borrow a line from F. Scott Fitzgerald, he looked at me the way every girl wants to be looked at, and it was wonderful.

I woke up this morning scared because I was faced with my need to forgive AND forget the one who hurt me and abused the love that caused my awestruck smile for him…yet happy, because I was faced with Grant, who looks at me with the same awe that left no doubt in my mind about how much I am cared for.

How confused do I sound? Oh dear…

Anyway, I hope this is written in a way that you guys can understand despite my early morning, journal style, ramblings. I must pay attention to my psychology professor now… Yay for adulthood.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life…and sleep faces xx

 

 

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Just Happy

I had a pretty bad habit of only talking about my feelings when I’m upset, or hurt…but I think now is the time to change that. As you can see by the title, life is good right now, and because I write about the good in my journal, I’ll share that too.

Just Happy 11/18/2014

It has been an incredible weekend/early week…busy, but incredible. I feel complete, happy. I feel like life is exactly where it is meant to be right now.

School is going incredibly well. I am wrapping up the last project for my honors program, and I’ve already began making plans for next semester. I’ll be running for president of the honors society, leading a few of our charity events, and taking over a few group projects in order to make my resume as shiny as possible.

My honors coordinator has been handing me opportunities she thinks I have the potential to succeed in and I couldn’t be more grateful. She’s so confident in me, and I think it may be contagious. From being kind of dumb on paper to Ivy League? I. Can. Do. This.

My room is finally decorated the way I want it (thanks mom), my job is really great  (thanks dad), and I have wonderful friends (the kind that volunteer to leave a party early so that she can attend/host my birthday shin-dig, thanks friend).

I went on a lovely date with the one who was always there. An incredible night that ended with an incredible present. The actual gift was beautiful, but what made it so special was the attention and care it took to know that it was the perfect gift. He listens to what I say, he takes it to heart, and he tries (and succeeds) to make me happy in the cute, little ways that every girl wants.

I’m not even sure if life really got better, or if the world is just a brighter place after letting go of my little piece of misery…I don’t know, but I’m content with not knowing, because I am happy. Just, happy. Life really is exactly the way I dreamed it would be (at this point in my life).

I feel very blessed…B’H.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life, for real this time xx

Refelctions of a Twenty Year Old (Was I A Good Teenager?)

On November 13th, I turned 20 years old! I know..it’s still hard for me to say! I got all nostalgic as I took in the last couple of hours of my teen years. I began reflecting on the years between 14 to the end of 19. I read through every journal, revisited those years of my life, and the result of this huge act of nostalgia can be found below.

This was all written in my journal beginning on the night of the 12th, and ending last night. I hope you enjoy my stroll down memory lane 🙂

Happy Birthday to Me 11/12/14

I have an hour and a half left to be a teenager…wow. I’m feeling very nostalgic at the moment. My teenage years definitely had some ups and downs. I traveled, fell in love, fell out of love, made friends, lost friends, drank some, smoked some, and loved A LOT…I lived.

At 14, I got my first taste of life as a teenager. I made “grown up” friends (you know, that watched Hannah Montana instead of Sesame street). I learned that not all of them were nice. I went to middle school and found at that most of them were mean, actually.

It gave me strength though…enough strength to recover from meningitis without a flaw. I made big decisions, one of them being to teach myself for high school (seeing as I wasn’t able to go back at that point).

Fifteen

At 15, I learned life was the most beautiful, terrifying place I could ever find myself in. I lived as if I was dying, both a blessing and a curse at the time. I dabbled in being pretty to someone besides my parents.

A hunky football player thought I was the most amazing thing he had ever witnessed before. It was in that situation that I learned I always wanted to be first to the man I loved. In reality, I didn’t really love him, we never even dated, but he taught me I never wanted to be second, or third. I learned men could be cruel.

I learned success wasn’t going to be easy. I thought I knew everything. I had the most awful blonde highlights and janky teeth, but I was not yet tarnished by society’s ideas of beauty. I was insecure, yet innocent to those standards. It was weird. 15 was weird, but kind of lovely.

Sixteen

At 16 I learned my worth. I left the country, lost myself, and found her somewhere in the middle of the ocean (I traveled on a ship). I met my best friend, my muse, and my love when I was 16.

My best friend was a breath of fresh air, she taught me so much, we were peas in a pod, and I loved her more than any friend I had ever had.

My muse changed my life without even knowing it. He inspired me to be better, without even trying. He was a handsome whirlwind with an English accent (always a plus) that made me want to be better. I had a massive crush on the way he looked at me when I sang. He made me feel beautiful.

My love was an unexpected individual. He was young, really tiny when I met him, and kind of a douche…but he eventually became my everything.

Even though I was brace face… I felt beautiful, life was beautiful, and nothing could ever go wrong. I got a taste of the life I would stop at nothing to call my own, on my own.

Seventeen

 At 17 I lost and gained it all. I fell right on my face…I lost all of the things I could never get back. My best friend, my shiny life, and pieces of my heart. Out of all of the hurt, losing my best friend was the strongest hit. I loved her. I loved being around her. We were the well dressed duo that was a force to be reckoned with. Yet, we were destroyed by a series of unfortunate events and boy drama.

It was heartbreaking, but in that hotmess, I found something beautiful. I fell madly in love with “my love.” He healed a part of me I didn’t think anyone would be able to. I trusted him. He adored me, and I could never get enough of him. We hadn’t even shook hands at this point, and yet, our chemistry, and our love for each other was tangible from 5,000 miles away.

It was somewhere in here that I learned that if my best friend was supposed to stay my best friend, she would, and she didn’t. She hurt me, and I’m sure I hurt her, but people have gotten over worse, and the fact that we didn’t was a sign that maybe she was just a temporary beautiful, I would learn from one day.

I got a puppy that stole my heart (I mean, look at that face).

I had the summer of my life…the kind they write movies about. It was a summer full of love, passion, laughs, and a new brand of happiness that comes with being madly in love without any idea of consequence or un-happy endings. We were “forever,” and we both believed that with all of our hearts.

Eighteen

At 18, I brought in the year with my love, and boy were we in love. It was the kind of love I can still feel today. I got my first job and finally felt like a grown up! I came to grips with slowing down and enjoying my youth, because I realized that it wouldn’t last forever. Something about becoming an adult legally made me realize that life is not slowing down, and it was time to enjoy it instead of begging to be older.

My family and I moved across the country towards the end of my senior year (goodbye college plans). I left friends, family, and every plan I made for my future up until that point. But before I had time to care, I approached the second summer with my dear Shlomo.

I left for London and spent two and half perfect months with my love. I got to spend time with my English friends, make a few more, and spend time with yet another special English boy who taught me that “a little party never killed nobody.”

We lived in a fairytale of beautiful locations, no worries, and endless amounts of love. It wasn’t reality, but it was incredible. I left London knowing without a doubt that I would marry that boy, we were perfect.

Little did I know, it was about to become very clear that he didn’t even see another month with me. His teens years kicked in, and I was kicked out…

Nineteen

On my 19th birthday I learned heartbreak. Actually, I spent the year learning that it was possible for one person to break my heart over and over again. I learned of the bittersweet taste of a tear filled last kiss. I held on to promises of “one day, when you’re not so far away,” for months.

19 hurt…19 was really heartbreaking. I had to make logical decisions even when it hurt like a mother to do so. I didn’t feel beautiful, or sexy, and no matter what I did, I felt useless. I felt all of the beauty I saw in life leave me. Life stood still…even when the man of my dreams confessed his feelings for me, I was too dead on the inside to acknowledge the validity of his words.

I did incredibly well in my first year of college, better than I could have ever imagined. At 19 I found my way back to the life I loved on my own ability. I found something that would help me achieve my dream life, but this time, it would be my doing, and mine to keep.

Four days before my birthday, the idea of ever getting my love back… was gone, and him and his “drive” were to blame for that. He could never be mine again, and that realization broke the chain that kept me tied to my misery.

Twenty

On my 20th birthday, I let him go. I didn’t spend this birthday with tears in my eyes (a nice change). I laid eyes on the guy that had always been there, my inspiration. I denied him for the love of my misery, and there he was… There was my beautiful.

I began this year with calls/letters/text/and messages full of love from those I cared about most and those I thought had forgotten about me. They hadn’t forgotten about me, I was just too unhappy to see that they were there, even though I wasn’t.

I’ve spent the last three days with family, friends, and him. I feel beautiful, independent, loved, intelligent, and so strong…stronger than I have ever been.

At 20, I am ready to leave him behind. I am so ready to tackle my dreams of ivy league universities and a life abroad. I am ready to embrace my muse and be inspired by what ever  keeps me focused. I am ready to feel beautiful and priceless to someone, even if only to myself.

And there you have it…my teen years in a nutshell. Did I do them right?

Thank you for sticking with me throughout this lengthy post, and the majority of my heartbreaking 19th year.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life, and is ready for her 20’s!

Never Be Mine 11/11/14

The last couple of days have been terribly difficult, slightly beautiful, and very tear-filled to boot. To sum it up, I have written in my journal three times in the last 24 hours…pretty much a record for me and a sure sign that something is going on. Because of my record breaking writing speeds, today is going to be a little condensed version of my thoughts and emotions over the last couple of days… Prepare yourself, you are now entering my crazy cave.

Never Be Mine 11/11/14:

I thought that when he got with someone else that I would be relieved. It would finally be over once he took that step with a new girl. I comforted myself with the idea that it would be a lack luster experience, compared to the love we shared. I never knew it was possible to be as wrong as I was in that assumption.

When I saw that text, the moment I’ve spent months waiting for; relief permanently left my body, mind, and soul. Instead there was sadness that I have never known. All I could see was us. All I could feel was your touch, your embrace, your words… All I could see was our love. Our first, our last, our in between, it flooded my mind with a grief, I neither expected nor had the terrible displeasure of feeling before.

Before I knew it, I felt like I was watching your life with her through a window and you were doing all of the little things you did with me. I knew how every smile, touch, and embrace felt, and it was then that it became painfully obvious that those affections shared with her while I watched from a distance made you forever gone. It was weird, and I’m probably explaining this all wrong, but all I really even know at this point is that it hurt.

I thought I’d find comfort in your lack luster love, but in reality… I may be prettier, sexier, smarter, funnier, and all the other words women use to compare themselves to others, but none of that mattered…because no matter how much “better” than her I was, or how much “better” our relationship was…you chose her, you gave her what was mine. You gave her my hopes and dreams of ever finding you when the stars aligned, you gave away any attempts I made at holding onto your vain “I love you,” and you gave a girl you’ve known for a month something I spent years falling in love with. None of the petty things I held on to mattered…

I have had to find a new comfort, and I have. I find my comfort in knowing that you may have filled my spot, found someone to give you the shallow things I could…but you will never replace the genuinely deep love that I had for you. Not because you’re not worthy of love, not because my love was once in a lifetime… but because you made it very obvious that you have no idea what it means to love someone, and if you have the pleasure of finding a woman that can offer you the unconditional love I gave you, she will find out the hard way that underneath that dazzling smile and those baby blue eyes, a world of hurt awaits her.

I find my comfort in thinking about falling in love with someone that really loves me too. If a love as shallow, and disingenuous as yours made me happy…it can only get better from here.

So that’s one entry from yesterday…

I really enjoy writing to the person as if I were talking to them. If you journal, I encourage you do the same in this situation. It is wonderfully soothing and encouraging to be completely honest when “talking to someone” even if they never read it.

Anyway… I have class and normal people things to do beyond listening to Adele and pouring my emotions out on my keyboard. But, I shall be back. Digest this hunk of sadness, and make sure to come back for the next two entries so you can be assured that I do actually smile from time to time 😉

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life, and the ability to be painfully honest.

 

If You Can’t Handle Me At My Worst

The last couple of months have been a total roller coaster. I began this blog as a girl that had it all figured out, and if you haven’t realized from my lack of post, not only do I not know everything…I’ve never felt as clueless and dumbfounded by life as I am right now. Now, life is far from awful, it has just become something I never thought possible in both terrible and really incredible ways.

Because of my recent revelation of “Lucy, you know nothing,” I can no longer post from my soap box, only my raw emotions and thoughts. I am in no place to advise people on how they should run their lives, because quite frankly… I am a hot mess. However, I am a hot mess that keeps a pretty cool journal. My journal has been hogging all of the juicy details, but I think it’s time to share…starting with today

This one is titled New Beginnings from 11/10/14:

The last year has been a roller coaster of emotions. Last year was the beginning of the end for Shlomo and I. It was on my birthday that he made it very clear that he no longer loved me. Looking back, I would have taken that day for what it was, and left before he had the chance to leave me as broken as I am today.

Last year he announced that he no longer loved me, and this year he’s announced that he has replaced me like the common thing that I was to him. Both events felt as if someone had ripped my heart right out of his chest. I loved that boy, I probably always will. Actually, I love that boy, but I love me more now than I did last year. And with that, I have to revoke his power to hurt me.

I wish I could write the word love with enough intensity to make it clear just how much this process hurts, but here goes nothing…and what used to be my everything….

Because this entry is about new beginnings, I’ll move on to the positive, the here and now. I have made the decision to aim higher than I ever have. And by high, I mean, I will be applying to Columbia University to complete my undergrad degree. I will also be applying to other schools (Rice University, NYU, UT Austin, etc…), but at the end of the day, my new goal lies in going to Oxford or Cambridge for my Post grad in psychology.

This semester has opened doors I never knew existed, and I plan to walk through every one of them.

As for love, I have a guy that treats me like the sun rose in my eyes. He is everything Shlomo wasn’t, and better to me than I would’ve even thought to ask for. You have to be blind to look at him while he is around me and not see the adoration that falls out of his face (no better way to put that lol). I feel so very fortunate. His patience is astounding (and much needed), and for that, I have nothing but gratitude. Time is our friend, well, mine, and I plan on using as much as I need, but it’s nice to know he’s along for the ride.

With all that being said, I’ve got a lot of learning and growing to do. I’ve got to learn to stop loving the boy I said I’d love forever, I’ve got to make all my dreams come true, and I’ve got to get over myself enough to be the daughter, student, friend, and partner I know I need to be, regardless of broken dreams and disappointments.

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a wonderful job, endless possibilities when it comes to my academic success, a man who is incredible to me, a wonderful family, great friends, and the list goes on. It’s time to keep that all in focus, and begin this journal with gratitude that isn’t dampened by a little boy that never really loved me.

I never saw this blog becoming a journal, but if I don’t share that, I’ll never be able to post. I know nothing but what I feel and what is happening in the present, but I hope you guys enjoy following me on the journey to find that place of “knowing” (if such a thing exist) once again…and then I’ll get back on my soap box.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life