If You Can’t Handle Me At My Worst

The last couple of months have been a total roller coaster. I began this blog as a girl that had it all figured out, and if you haven’t realized from my lack of post, not only do I not know everything…I’ve never felt as clueless and dumbfounded by life as I am right now. Now, life is far from awful, it has just become something I never thought possible in both terrible and really incredible ways.

Because of my recent revelation of “Lucy, you know nothing,” I can no longer post from my soap box, only my raw emotions and thoughts. I am in no place to advise people on how they should run their lives, because quite frankly… I am a hot mess. However, I am a hot mess that keeps a pretty cool journal. My journal has been hogging all of the juicy details, but I think it’s time to share…starting with today

This one is titled New Beginnings from 11/10/14:

The last year has been a roller coaster of emotions. Last year was the beginning of the end for Shlomo and I. It was on my birthday that he made it very clear that he no longer loved me. Looking back, I would have taken that day for what it was, and left before he had the chance to leave me as broken as I am today.

Last year he announced that he no longer loved me, and this year he’s announced that he has replaced me like the common thing that I was to him. Both events felt as if someone had ripped my heart right out of his chest. I loved that boy, I probably always will. Actually, I love that boy, but I love me more now than I did last year. And with that, I have to revoke his power to hurt me.

I wish I could write the word love with enough intensity to make it clear just how much this process hurts, but here goes nothing…and what used to be my everything….

Because this entry is about new beginnings, I’ll move on to the positive, the here and now. I have made the decision to aim higher than I ever have. And by high, I mean, I will be applying to Columbia University to complete my undergrad degree. I will also be applying to other schools (Rice University, NYU, UT Austin, etc…), but at the end of the day, my new goal lies in going to Oxford or Cambridge for my Post grad in psychology.

This semester has opened doors I never knew existed, and I plan to walk through every one of them.

As for love, I have a guy that treats me like the sun rose in my eyes. He is everything Shlomo wasn’t, and better to me than I would’ve even thought to ask for. You have to be blind to look at him while he is around me and not see the adoration that falls out of his face (no better way to put that lol). I feel so very fortunate. His patience is astounding (and much needed), and for that, I have nothing but gratitude. Time is our friend, well, mine, and I plan on using as much as I need, but it’s nice to know he’s along for the ride.

With all that being said, I’ve got a lot of learning and growing to do. I’ve got to learn to stop loving the boy I said I’d love forever, I’ve got to make all my dreams come true, and I’ve got to get over myself enough to be the daughter, student, friend, and partner I know I need to be, regardless of broken dreams and disappointments.

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a wonderful job, endless possibilities when it comes to my academic success, a man who is incredible to me, a wonderful family, great friends, and the list goes on. It’s time to keep that all in focus, and begin this journal with gratitude that isn’t dampened by a little boy that never really loved me.

I never saw this blog becoming a journal, but if I don’t share that, I’ll never be able to post. I know nothing but what I feel and what is happening in the present, but I hope you guys enjoy following me on the journey to find that place of “knowing” (if such a thing exist) once again…and then I’ll get back on my soap box.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life

 

 

 

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