Never Be Mine 11/11/14

The last couple of days have been terribly difficult, slightly beautiful, and very tear-filled to boot. To sum it up, I have written in my journal three times in the last 24 hours…pretty much a record for me and a sure sign that something is going on. Because of my record breaking writing speeds, today is going to be a little condensed version of my thoughts and emotions over the last couple of days… Prepare yourself, you are now entering my crazy cave.

Never Be Mine 11/11/14:

I thought that when he got with someone else that I would be relieved. It would finally be over once he took that step with a new girl. I comforted myself with the idea that it would be a lack luster experience, compared to the love we shared. I never knew it was possible to be as wrong as I was in that assumption.

When I saw that text, the moment I’ve spent months waiting for; relief permanently left my body, mind, and soul. Instead there was sadness that I have never known. All I could see was us. All I could feel was your touch, your embrace, your words… All I could see was our love. Our first, our last, our in between, it flooded my mind with a grief, I neither expected nor had the terrible displeasure of feeling before.

Before I knew it, I felt like I was watching your life with her through a window and you were doing all of the little things you did with me. I knew how every smile, touch, and embrace felt, and it was then that it became painfully obvious that those affections shared with her while I watched from a distance made you forever gone. It was weird, and I’m probably explaining this all wrong, but all I really even know at this point is that it hurt.

I thought I’d find comfort in your lack luster love, but in reality… I may be prettier, sexier, smarter, funnier, and all the other words women use to compare themselves to others, but none of that mattered…because no matter how much “better” than her I was, or how much “better” our relationship was…you chose her, you gave her what was mine. You gave her my hopes and dreams of ever finding you when the stars aligned, you gave away any attempts I made at holding onto your vain “I love you,” and you gave a girl you’ve known for a month something I spent years falling in love with. None of the petty things I held on to mattered…

I have had to find a new comfort, and I have. I find my comfort in knowing that you may have filled my spot, found someone to give you the shallow things I could…but you will never replace the genuinely deep love that I had for you. Not because you’re not worthy of love, not because my love was once in a lifetime… but because you made it very obvious that you have no idea what it means to love someone, and if you have the pleasure of finding a woman that can offer you the unconditional love I gave you, she will find out the hard way that underneath that dazzling smile and those baby blue eyes, a world of hurt awaits her.

I find my comfort in thinking about falling in love with someone that really loves me too. If a love as shallow, and disingenuous as yours made me happy…it can only get better from here.

So that’s one entry from yesterday…

I really enjoy writing to the person as if I were talking to them. If you journal, I encourage you do the same in this situation. It is wonderfully soothing and encouraging to be completely honest when “talking to someone” even if they never read it.

Anyway… I have class and normal people things to do beyond listening to Adele and pouring my emotions out on my keyboard. But, I shall be back. Digest this hunk of sadness, and make sure to come back for the next two entries so you can be assured that I do actually smile from time to time πŸ˜‰

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life, and the ability to be painfully honest.

 

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10 thoughts on “Never Be Mine 11/11/14

  1. It’s been like a year. You are such a crazy ex girlfriend. Get over it! You’re acting so clingy and creepy. Let him have a life no wonder why he doesn’t want to be with you.

    • It’s been less than two months after nearly three years you sad little person. Creepy? You always call people creepy when you run your mouth as anonymous? If I didn’t know who you are… This could seem creepy. Toodles πŸ’

    • And while you’re being so diligent about making sure I’m not clingy or creepy… You might want to consider changing your email/IP address so I don’t know that you’re still spewing hate that’s clearly derived from the fact that he was never yours long enough to give you the title of crazy ex-girlfriend… More than three years later.

      • I’d like to apologize. I know who you are, and I know how you found this post, but I don’t know you personally and I don’t know what you’ve been told, therefore, my comments were unfair. I’ll just have you know, that our last “I love you” was less than 6 weeks ago, and before that were tales of happily ever afters via hours on the phone. Yes, we split last year, but in April, he came back and asked that I forgave him for the heartache he had caused…Naturally, I loved him, and so nothing could keep me from forgiving him and welcoming him back with open arms. I knew that his love would eventually hurt me again, but that was a risk I was willing to take. A few more months of happily ever after, and butterflies in my stomach was worth the gut wrenching pain I’ve felt, not once, but twice. You could say it was my fault, you can say I was creepy and clingy, and maybe you’re right..maybe I should have had the strength to say no, and move on. But I loved him. He could do no wrong in my eyes, and even when he lied, cheated, and made a fool of me, I continued to love him. He has every right in the world to live his life, I never once tried to keep him from that, even when it hurt me. This is no different. I wish him nothing but the best. I realize that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, and to a point that makes me feel better. It is easier to walk away from the boy who doesn’t want me anymore, than it is to deny the boy standing in Heathrow Airport with tears in his eyes as I walked away a year ago. I could never see him hurt, and maybe that was my downfall..I couldn’t leave with my dignity at the price of his happiness. As for you, I’m sorry that I retaliated the way that I did earlier. I am a bit hurt, and slightly bitter, but that’s no fault of your own, and so I apologize.
        Best Wishes,
        Lucy xx

    • It can be difficult. As you can see above, people can be pretty cruel, so putting your thoughts emotions out there can be scary… Even when they’re positive. But for every person that hates, there are dozens that value your words. Do what feels right!

      • I completely related to you. Its like you looked into my soul. I cant wven get through each day im constantly breaking down, its like im dying every single day πŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ’”

      • Believe it or not, life is going on. Through every break up there are little milestones, and sometimes hitting them can be very painful. You will get through it, even on days when it feels like you won’t. I am happy, it’s just been a process learning to be that way without him. Considering it’s only really been two months, I don’t think I am doing half bad. Keep your head up, time really does heal..you just have to let it. Writing definitely helps, use that πŸ™‚

      • Thanks babe. Means alot xxx
        Question, is there anything wrong with my blog?
        Ive only posted but i havent created any pages.
        And i dont know how to edit my picture πŸ™ˆ

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