The last couple of days have been terribly difficult, slightly beautiful, and very tear-filled to boot. To sum it up, I have written in my journal three times in the last 24 hours…pretty much a record for me and a sure sign that something is going on. Because of my record breaking writing speeds, today is going to be a little condensed version of my thoughts and emotions over the last couple of days… Prepare yourself, you are now entering my crazy cave.
Never Be Mine 11/11/14:
I thought that when he got with someone else that I would be relieved. It would finally be over once he took that step with a new girl. I comforted myself with the idea that it would be a lack luster experience, compared to the love we shared. I never knew it was possible to be as wrong as I was in that assumption.
When I saw that text, the moment I’ve spent months waiting for; relief permanently left my body, mind, and soul. Instead there was sadness that I have never known. All I could see was us. All I could feel was your touch, your embrace, your words… All I could see was our love. Our first, our last, our in between, it flooded my mind with a grief, I neither expected nor had the terrible displeasure of feeling before.
Before I knew it, I felt like I was watching your life with her through a window and you were doing all of the little things you did with me. I knew how every smile, touch, and embrace felt, and it was then that it became painfully obvious that those affections shared with her while I watched from a distance made you forever gone. It was weird, and I’m probably explaining this all wrong, but all I really even know at this point is that it hurt.
I thought I’d find comfort in your lack luster love, but in reality… I may be prettier, sexier, smarter, funnier, and all the other words women use to compare themselves to others, but none of that mattered…because no matter how much “better” than her I was, or how much “better” our relationship was…you chose her, you gave her what was mine. You gave her my hopes and dreams of ever finding you when the stars aligned, you gave away any attempts I made at holding onto your vain “I love you,” and you gave a girl you’ve known for a month something I spent years falling in love with. None of the petty things I held on to mattered…
I have had to find a new comfort, and I have. I find my comfort in knowing that you may have filled my spot, found someone to give you the shallow things I could…but you will never replace the genuinely deep love that I had for you. Not because you’re not worthy of love, not because my love was once in a lifetime… but because you made it very obvious that you have no idea what it means to love someone, and if you have the pleasure of finding a woman that can offer you the unconditional love I gave you, she will find out the hard way that underneath that dazzling smile and those baby blue eyes, a world of hurt awaits her.
I find my comfort in thinking about falling in love with someone that really loves me too. If a love as shallow, and disingenuous as yours made me happy…it can only get better from here.
So that’s one entry from yesterday…
I really enjoy writing to the person as if I were talking to them. If you journal, I encourage you do the same in this situation. It is wonderfully soothing and encouraging to be completely honest when “talking to someone” even if they never read it.
Anyway… I have class and normal people things to do beyond listening to Adele and pouring my emotions out on my keyboard. But, I shall be back. Digest this hunk of sadness, and make sure to come back for the next two entries so you can be assured that I do actually smile from time to time 😉
Lucy Loves Life, and the ability to be painfully honest.