Oh heyyy, it’s journal time once again. I haven’t had the time to journal about anything of substance this week… mainly because by the end of the day I am so tired I pass out before my head hits the pillow…literally. But something relatively important happened in my mind last night, so here is my attempt at substance…
I don’t even remember a time when I was as tired as I was last night. After going to class, cram writing my honors essay, and working a 7 hour day, on about 4.5 hours of sleep… my someone special picked me up from the end of my work day(we will call him Grant). We went and got coffee to appease the silly thought that I was actually going to be able to finish working on my essay (LOL) and then Grant brought me home… where I proceeded to put my coffee down and pass out, fail.
In my state of exhaustion, it totally escaped me that Grant was still sitting in the chair next to my bed…apparently we were having a conversation (don’t ask me what I said). When I opened my eyes, I saw him smiling at me. And it was not the kind of smile he gives when he finds something funny…
He was looking at me as I fought sleep with an awestruck smile on his face. It was a look of awe, adoration, love..whatever you want to call it… it was different. He looked at me with a feeling in his eyes that I am so very familiar with, because I’ve looked at someone the same way.
I’m not going to lie…it snapped me back to planet Earth in a heart racing, wonderful, terrifying kind of way, because I could remember exactly what Grant was feeling so vividly.
I remember looking at “his” sleeping face and feeling my heart fill with love, as if it were yesterday. It sounds super creepy to watch someone sleep/fall asleep, but there is something kind of amazing about looking at the face you love in total peace, with the ability to see every beautiful little detail. I remember the way my heart would swell… and watching Grant experience the same thing was wonderful, and scary at the same time.
It was then that I realized how much he cares for me, it was then I recalled that same experience when I was the awestruck smiler, and it was then that fear brought me out of my sleep induced coma.
It scared me because it was then that I realized that I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten. I haven’t forgotten the type of love you can literally feel, I haven’t forgotten what it is like to have that love hurt in ways I never knew possible, and I haven’t forgotten that I never want to feel either of those two memories, ever again.
As soon as I moved beyond my fear, it was wonderful, and I basked in the feeling of having someone look at me like that for once. It has been so long, years even, since someone that I cared about looked at me the way Grant did last night. To borrow a line from F. Scott Fitzgerald, he looked at me the way every girl wants to be looked at, and it was wonderful.
I woke up this morning scared because I was faced with my need to forgive AND forget the one who hurt me and abused the love that caused my awestruck smile for him…yet happy, because I was faced with Grant, who looks at me with the same awe that left no doubt in my mind about how much I am cared for.
How confused do I sound? Oh dear…
Anyway, I hope this is written in a way that you guys can understand despite my early morning, journal style, ramblings. I must pay attention to my psychology professor now… Yay for adulthood.
Lucy Loves Life…and sleep faces xx