It’s been awhile, and I feel like I have said that a lot in my short blogging career. I see now that the reason for that is quite simple…my life has been a rollercoaster in the last year, and for the sake of preserving relationships with those around me, some things are better left private.
One of the most recent examples of this was about two months ago. Looking back at my last post, it almost hurts all over again to see the words that were spiraling around my mind at the time. I really don’t remember a time in my life when I felt as miserable and defeated as I did then.
Two months ago was the final blow to a relationship I loved more than anything I have ever experienced before. It really was a pain I can still feel today if I think about it long enough. With no warning, his affection and regard for me completely disappeared while becoming someone else’s…before I even had a chance to know he didn’t love me anymore. Though I understand his reasoning now, and see that there was no way to end what we had painlessly, I couldn’t see that at the time. All I could see was my first love walking away without so much as a goodbye.
Two months ago, I was really defeated. I felt worthless, unlovable, and disposable to someone that meant everything to me. Yet, as much as I wanted to figuratively cry on the internet, I decided not to.
I had to take a moment to myself because dealing with my hurt publicly was doing more harm than good. Suffering in silence protected my dignity in a much needed fashion. At first, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he really hurt me, but as time went on, I walked away out of respect for all involved. He didn’t need to know how I was feeling, and his new girlfriend didn’t deserve to read the unwarranted hatred I felt for her at the time. I was angry, broken, shocked, you name it…and that came out in my writing more so that I care to acknowledge.
I am glad that I made that decision. Writing privately really allowed me to deal with things that I wasn’t really willing to share with the world. Slowly but surely, one tear stained page after the other, I couldn’t “feel” him anymore. I couldn’t feel anything, really…but that was okay. I moved on, numb, but happy.
Numb but happy carried on extremely well until a few days ago when a movie line literally brought me to tears as I realized numb was such a terrible state to be in,
“If this is love, I want nothing to do with it. But why does it hurt so much?” “Because it was real.”
It was in that very moment that tears streamed down my face, and I really began to appreciate what we had. I began to appreciate my ability to feel everything. It sounds completely ridiculous to learn a life lesson from a movie, but that’s when it all hit me. What he did, the pain it caused me, the anger, hate, heartbreak… every feeling was a result of loving someone as genuinely as I loved him, and losing it. It takes a strong love to feel such intense discomfort.
After hearing that line in the movie, I realized that I was lucky enough to love someone so truly and wholeheartedly that the end of it was devastating. It’s not very often that someone my age gets to feel for another person what I did for him, and after a bit of time, I’m thankful for that. It may be over, and I think it is safe to say that we have both moved on, but I am so thankful for our time together.
There are definitely some tender spots left. I still have days when the memories overwhelm me, and the only one I want to fix them is him…but for the most part, I am content. I can think about him with someone else without feeling anything, I can look at our time together with great fondness, and I am okay with the idea of going on through life without him. There will always be a little part of me that loves him, and a slightly bigger part of me that thinks he will always be my daydreamer, but I can now make positive strides forward knowing that the feeling is both mutual and slightly wonderful. It is wonderful to love someone so much they have the power to hurt you. It is wonderful to love, even if it hurts in the end. I see that now. I can be happy now…finally.
Hopefully life doesn’t demand for another hiatus, I really do love staying so connected with all of you. One of the reasons I took the risk of putting such raw emotions on the web is because the support I have in some of you is amazing, and so worth it. Thank you for sticking with me, all of you.
Lucy Loves Life…and daydreaming xx