When you first begin to fall for someone, you fall in love with the way they make you feel. Does conversation with them stimulate you? Do they make you laugh? Do you feel an attraction to them? If the answer is yes, they make you feel pretty awesome, and so you begin to fall in love. This is all a pretty selfish, but necessary process. You spend months (maybe longer) trying figure out how this person makes you feel and whether or not they are worth your time. This stage is wonderful and if it’s going well, it offers a roller-coaster like high. The problem with wonderful roller-coasters is that they don’t last long, and there are plenty of other roller-coasters out there…aka, there is no longevity and that rush is easily replaced.
The good news is, if you truly begin to love someone, there comes a time when you’ve decided they are the one that makes you happy, and something magical happens…you fall in love with making them happy. Your questions of “how do they make me feel?” turn into “how do I make them feel?” You find that even when you think you’re being concerned for yourself, some way or another, it’s actually about the other’s feelings; this shift into pure, selfless love is life changing. When another person’s wellbeing becomes your happiness, you learn the definition of love and everything beautiful (and heartbreaking) in this world.
All of that to say; I think him and I both went through the first stage very intensely. We fell in love with our conversations, our laughter, our chemistry, and our potential…what a beautiful rollercoaster that was. Keyword; was.
I moved into stage two. His happiness became my biggest priority. Even when I thought of myself, it was usually in regard to him. If I felt unhappy with him, I wondered what he was feeling, and how I could help him get over it so that we could happily carry on. I always wanted what was best for him…
But I messed up. I fell so in love with his happiness, it took me a year to realize that he had gotten off the rollercoaster and moved on. He got off the ride, and I progressed into stage two.
This all came to me as I realized what it was that kept me from slipping into an “I miss him” moment yesterday. Whenever I feel that sadness, I stop myself and ask… “Was that real love? Was what we had special? Was it irreplaceable? Was that memory anything he’s not experiencing with her right now?” For some reason, that morbid set of questions puts everything into perspective very quickly; because the answer to all of them is, no. I was not his first love, I was his first roller-coaster.
So when he said things like “I don’t compare her to you” or “Her and I’s relationship isn’t better or worse, just different,” he wasn’t being hurtful, he was being honest. A roller-coaster is a roller-coaster, the twist and turns really don’t matter. At the end of the day, as long as that rollercoaster makes you feel good, you don’t sit there and compare it to the last one.
It’s not until you fall in love with a person’s happiness that they become irreplaceable or unforgettable. It’s not until you fall in love with a person’s soul that they become worth taking through life, even when the ride stops for a moment. It’s not until you fall truly and madly in love with someone, flaws and all, that you sit and wait for the roller-coaster to start again.
So whenever sadness creeps in, I think “What is there to miss? Every fond memory was a twist or turn, moments that didn’t really matter. I’ll remember them for what they were, fun… but never love.”
My advice: Don’t give your heart to anyone unless they are willing to survive on your smile until the ride begins again.
Lucy Loves Life… and Beau Taplin quotes xx