People say that heartbreak is one of those things that only heals over time. I took that to mean that heartache slips away slowly but surely, and I could not have been anymore wrong. I was expecting it to gradually get better and often found myself discouraged at how fresh the hurt felt a year later.
I felt so crushed at the fact that my heart hurt just as much this year as it did last year. I just couldn’t stop crying at the thought that the feeling of hurt wasn’t fading, at all. I thought that the lack of fading meant that I hadn’t even really begun to heal, and that was daunting. How could this go on for any longer?!
Anyway, long story short, I had some pretty intense revelations. Remember how I said being a hopeless romantic and a psych major was a recipe for disaster? Well, I was wrong (again). Because having psychologist for friends and a pretty good understanding of relationships on an in depth level, made me realize something…. He is not my one! He is not perfect for me! He didn’t want me! And without putting a label on him, I dodged a bullet! I dodged a massive freakin bullet, people!
And it was just like that… the butterflies I felt when his name popped up on my phone, the bittersweet feeling when looking at our pictures, the memories that taunted me…gone! All gone! The pain didn’t fade, it hurt like a mother trucker and then disappeared without any warning.
I look at the things that made me cry and try to trigger some emotion, and it’s not there! I look back at our memories and I don’t feel anything negative. I do wish I would’ve been a little smarter, but that’s about it. I am happy guys! Like, really freakin happy!
I’m not looking to replace him, I don’t want to cry at the thought of our lasts, quite frankly, I don’t care! My feelings are so neutral. I dont love him, but I dont want to blow up his car either. I have the same emotions for him that I have for some random person on the street. We can share some light-hearted chat, I have nothing against him, I dont wish any bad upon him, but my life doesn’t consider his at all. Granted, somewhere in my distant memory, I remember he was special to me, but the point is, he’s not anymore…and I couldn’t be any happier about that.
So maybe when they say that time heals, they mean it will hurt for an undisclosed amount of time and then just disappear all at once. One life changing realization, a bonfire for all of his belongings (which is a huge step for me), and some friends to work through the details…you will wake up one day with a mended heart.
I’m not saying it is that way for everyone, but if you are sitting around wondering why it still hurts like it all went in flames yesterday, be encouraged. You could be like me and just wake up feeling ecstatically happy and free of your heartache for what seems to be no apparent reason.
I feel so free. This pain I had been running from for the last year is gone, and no matter what I do to trigger it, it’s not coming back! I feel whole again.
I hope this offered someone encouragement. The hurt doesn’t last forever, even when it feels like it will.
Lucy Loves Life… and waking up with a mended heart xx