“When I was a little girl, I could feel you out there around me. Imagining who you were, what you smelled like, who your friends were. I would draw you in the sky with one finger, looking out of my window. If I looked hard enough, I could almost make out your eyes. Were you waiting for me too?
Then I found you. I found my heart. I found my truth. Love is supposed to protect, it’s supposed to be a safe place. So why am I so afraid? Afraid that my kiss wasn’t the sweetest kiss you knew? And when my eyes filled with tears, did you cry for me? Did you fight for me?
What makes you so different? Is this the real you? Love isn’t supposed to deceive. So tell me, was it worth it? Will you replace me? Or will I replace you? Or will we remain? To know love, is to know pain.” –Beyonce
I acknowledged that I really loved him, even on a non-romantic, selfless level. I would’ve given the world to be with him, but just to see him happy would’ve been enough too. I cried when he cried, I laughed when he laughed, and no one could tell me he wasn’t the most incredible human being I had ever met. I loved him enough to never let go because he really was the boy I dreamed I’d fall in love with some day. He was my idea of perfection…
As you saw in my last post, I have completely gotten over that in such a sudden manner that it has taken me by surprise. He was my first love, how is it even possible that I can’t feel any of that “magic” anymore? I am at peace, but very confused by it. People always say that when you’re “over it” you can look back and remember things fondly, but I don’t… However, I don’t look at those memories with regret or sorrow either. I have repeated the question of “why?!” in my head about a thousand times in the last 48 hours, and this is what I’ve come up with…
When I felt the immediate relief from all things him and heartbreak, it was because I had made some pretty ground-breaking (for me) realizations about who he is on a psychological level. All of my unanswered questions about the way he thought, behaved, and how he could do what he did, began to answer themselves. Being able to make logical sense of it all really aided in the healing process.
However, it also made me ask the big questions that I can’t believe hadn’t popped into my mind before.
When was the last time he felt about me the way I felt about him?
When was the last time I remember his unconditional love? When was the last time my smile made him smile? When was the last time he made me feel secure and deeply loved? When was the last time he felt both my pain and happiness? When was the last time he thought of me as irreplaceable? Most importantly, when was the last he made me feel like he treasured me, or the love I had for him?
I felt all of those things for him a little over a month (or two) ago, but in reality…
I can’t actually remember a time when they were true for him. I remind myself that there was a lot of love there, and I’m sure he felt a fair bit of those things at some point…but I don’t remember it emotionally. I can’t remember or feel anything that was real. I cant remember the last time I looked at him and saw a guy that was truly in love with me on a pure, selfless level.
Not being able to feel a time when he loved me, I mean really loved me, (not whatever the last year and a half has been), might just be the reason I can’t muster up those warm and fuzzy, fond memories. Anything I can still empathize with was false and far from genuine love. If I can’t remember what it felt like to be loved by him, it only makes sense that I don’t ache for that time or reminisce on what it was.
To save you the psycho babble on all of this: Don’t let your image of someone and your love for him or her keep you miserable. It doesn’t really matter who they were or what you had, if that person and their love for you either never existed or left a long time ago. You really have to pay attention to a person’s actions, not their words, and avoid letting your love for them cloud your judgement of reality.
Being madly in love with someone you are a convenience to leads nowhere good. If you feel you have become that person, it’s time to let go, and let that be a reminder to never look back. Luckily, if you’re anything like me, your biggest concern after moving on in such a manner will be; is it normal to feel so unchanged by something that was meant to be life changing?
Lucy Loves Life… and Beyonce quotes xx