An Open Letter to Chubby with Braces and a Bad Dye Job

If I could go back and tell 17 year old me something, it would be this:

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Love happens everyday, find someone that will treasure you each and every one of those days, and love will naturally follow. Never fall for someone you know is not good for you. Know what you want, and don’t settle because it feels good. Those butterflies are temporary and one day you wake up hurt and alone, and you wont remember what those butterflies felt like. Find someone that says what they mean, and means what they say; you will grow to value that above everything else.

Don’t ever worry about being alone, only worry about falling and staying in love with someone who can never make you feel happy, secure, or cherished. It is better to be happy and alone, then to spend a countless amount of time missing someone that never deserved your affection in the first place. You may be slightly chubby with braces and a bad dye job now, but that does not determine who you are and what you deserve in a partner. One day you will walk into so much success, you wont even remember why you’re so scared of disappointing him right now.

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You deserve someone who will allow you to grow, who will never hold you back. You deserve someone who is attractive, intelligent, and respectful; they are out there and they want you too. You deserve someone that will stop at nothing to make you happy. You deserve to love yourself, for yourself.

So long as you are a woman, and he is a man, physical chemistry will be there; don’t let that chemistry rule your life. Playing house with someone doesn’t mean you’re in love or that you can spend your life with him. Being treated kindly by the man you gave your mind, body, and soul to, is a right, not a privilege; always remember that.

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The man that loves you (I mean REALLY loves you), and deserves you will give you everything you want and more than you even thought to ask for. The chemistry will be there, playing house will still give you those thoughts of forever, and you will feel that Hollywood style romance. You can have all of that, and not have to compromise things like mutual respect, true commitment, or lifelong happiness, so long as you remember you deserve it all. You deserve what you tolerate.

Last but not least, never give away any part of yourself under the assumption that he means everything he says. Nothing and no one is forever. Nothing and no one is once and a lifetime, unless you limit yourself to that. You know yourself better than anyone in this world does, never allow someone to rob you of your intuition.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and teenage life lessons xx 

Now to Me

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I always said he would always be my one, and I’ve kept that promise…until now.

As twisted as it seems, allowing the same butterflies I had with him to bud in a new relationship makes me feel like I’m just as bad as him… I made a promise and now I’m choosing to break it. I could deal with us never being special to him, I could deal with feeling so disposable, but as I find myself replacing him so easily… It makes me feel like maybe something that meant the world, really was nothing, and not just to him, but now to me. 

Logically, I would be an absolute fool to keep any allegiance to him, and I clearly haven’t. It’s just a strange phase to move through, that’s all.

Am I alone in this? Can someone explain my crazy?

Much Love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and strange phases xx 

I’m Only Human

I think I have made it easy for people to forget I am human. I realize that it’s very rare that I let someone completely in. I am honest to the point of making some uncomfortable, and yet, very few people know exactly who I am and what I am thinking.  I am a professional at keeping people exactly where I want them; never too close. I can be moody, but very rarely do I let my true emotions show.

The emotions of others have always come before my own, and I am pretty good at picking up when someone can’t be bothered with my hot-mess of a mind. If my pain hurts someone I care about, I don’t talk about it, if my success makes someone jealous or upset, I do a happy dance in private, and if my thoughts make someone uncomfortable, they get buried (or made into a blog post).

I am a loud, outspoken person that loves to make people think and laugh. I enjoy my larger-than-life personality; it makes it easy to always be the strong, confident one…

Until it hits me and those around me, that I am still so susceptible to being a real person, and a very sensitive one at that. One day I am over it all, and the next day a “like” can make me cry for an hour. One minute success always seems to find me, the next, I am terrified of failing.  One second I am ultra-confident, and the next I wonder if she really is better than me.

I am never above that.

People see my life as I present it to them; in the most lighthearted, inspiring, and rational way I possibly can without it getting boring or disingenuous. What they don’t see is the version of me that has nothing figured out. Not him, not university, not my appearance, not my future, not even my own mind.

All of this to say; I truly appreciate all of the people in my life, I even love some of you… Because of that, I ask that you always remember what I’ve just said. I will always try my best to be whatever you need of me; but sometimes I fail and it all becomes too much.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and beautiful messes xx

We Teach Girls

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“We do a great disservice to boys in how we raise them. We stifle the humanity of boys. We define masculinity in a very narrow way. Masculinity becomes this hard, small cage, and we put boys inside the cage. We teach boys to be afraid of weakness, of vulnerability. We teach them to mask their true selves. By far, the worst thing we do to males by making them feel they have to be “hard;” we leave them with very fragile egos. The more ‘hard man’ a man feels he needs to be, the weaker his ego is. Then we do a much greater disservice to girls.

We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, ‘You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man.’ Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices, always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support; but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors. Not for jobs or for accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are. Girls grow up to be women who cannot see they have desire. They grow up to be women who silence themselves, they grow up to be women who cannot say what they truly think, and they grow up to be women who have turned pretend into an art form.

Feminist: the person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.”

– Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

 

My favorite quote: “A man who will be intimated by me, is a man I would have no interest in.”

If you have not listened to what this woman has to say, do.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and being high octane xx 

The Beauty of Uncertainty

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“She was lost in her longing to understand.”
—Gabriel Garcia Marquez 

I can sit here and theorize about what he feels and doesn’t feel, I can question myself on whether or not he truly loved me (or even knows what love is), and I can try to attach his life to every psychological theory I learn about. I can hate him for what he is, what he was brought up to be, and all of the things I can’t understand about him… or…I can remember that at one point, I loved him for all of it.

I can acknowledge that he did love me the best way he knows how, and though it may have never been “real love“, he gave me the best of what he understands it to be.

There are times I really wish I could go back and undo it. Loving someone who can never love you back is heartbreaking; there is no painless way out. However, I also remember that no matter how malicious his actions seem, they were not necessarily intentional. You see, hurt people, hurt other people, and he hurts the ones he loves the most.

“Each man kills the thing he loves.” -Oscar Wilde

As I seek to make sense out of the coldness of my mended heart, and the warmth of our life together in photos… I can choose to be lost and angry, in my lack of understanding; or I can admit that I don’t have all of the answers, and see that it hurt because I was the one he loved the most.

I’ve become perfectly content with getting lost in the beauty of uncertainty and only truly knowing one thing; sometimes love means being hurt by someone and empathizing for them even when you can’t understand it all yourself. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and the understanding that I’ll never understand xx

You Made Me Better

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“It has made me better loving you … it has made me wiser, and easier, and brighter. I used to want a great many things before, and to be angry that I did not have them. Theoretically, I was satisfied. I flattered myself that I had limited my wants. But I was subject to irritation; I used to have morbid sterile hateful fits of hunger, of desire. Now I really am satisfied, because I can’t think of anything better.”

-Henry James

The idea of “normal” or “average” terrified me, I always wanted bigger and better…until he became my normal; the biggest and the best.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and normal with him xx