I think I have made it easy for people to forget I am human. I realize that it’s very rare that I let someone completely in. I am honest to the point of making some uncomfortable, and yet, very few people know exactly who I am and what I am thinking. I am a professional at keeping people exactly where I want them; never too close. I can be moody, but very rarely do I let my true emotions show.
The emotions of others have always come before my own, and I am pretty good at picking up when someone can’t be bothered with my hot-mess of a mind. If my pain hurts someone I care about, I don’t talk about it, if my success makes someone jealous or upset, I do a happy dance in private, and if my thoughts make someone uncomfortable, they get buried (or made into a blog post).
I am a loud, outspoken person that loves to make people think and laugh. I enjoy my larger-than-life personality; it makes it easy to always be the strong, confident one…
Until it hits me and those around me, that I am still so susceptible to being a real person, and a very sensitive one at that. One day I am over it all, and the next day a “like” can make me cry for an hour. One minute success always seems to find me, the next, I am terrified of failing. One second I am ultra-confident, and the next I wonder if she really is better than me.
I am never above that.
People see my life as I present it to them; in the most lighthearted, inspiring, and rational way I possibly can without it getting boring or disingenuous. What they don’t see is the version of me that has nothing figured out. Not him, not university, not my appearance, not my future, not even my own mind.
All of this to say; I truly appreciate all of the people in my life, I even love some of you… Because of that, I ask that you always remember what I’ve just said. I will always try my best to be whatever you need of me; but sometimes I fail and it all becomes too much.
Lucy Loves Life… and beautiful messes xx