Total Nutter

I think it’s time for more lighthearted posts. You guys must think I am a severely depressed, slightly confused, nutter, and you’re probably half right…but I swear, I am actually not a miserable person! I am kind of the opposite.


In the words of Adele “I am quite loud and bolshie. I’m a big personality. I walk into a room, big and tall and loud.”

I just use this blog as a place to compose the deep thoughts I don’t usually get to express to those close to me. They get to see me rapping Nikki Minaj songs, and talking to my dog like I actually have a split personality with a four year old; but you guys don’t, and I’m kind of sorry for that. I don’t quite know how to fully portray myself.

I am trying to strike the balance between meaningful yet happy and lighthearted… wish me luck.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life…and letting people know I smile xx  

Memory Lane

I took a stroll down memory lane (old tweets) to show my little sister a hilarious drunk tweet from a party I went to in the summer of 2013. I acknowledged what a wonderful role model I am, found the tweet, we laughed, and life was good…but I also found an unexpected moment of nostalgia.

I was reminded that the summer of 2013 was of one of the most beautiful/special times in my life. This was the case for many reasons (new friends, parties, traveling…), but the most obvious reason, was him. I was madly in love, I believed I had found my soul mate (barf), and every day was my own little fairy tale.

It was very bittersweet to see just how in love I was.

I have gotten to a place in life where I’m not even sure if love like that is real; but that summer, I believed it with all of my heart, and I miss those times. Not so much the love, but the belief that fairy tales happen. I miss a time when love and relationships weren’t just some formula of personality and attachment theory (psych problems) turned into lifetime partnership.

I see love in a very pragmatic, often skeptical way. Looking at our love with my knowledge of people kind of made it easier to lose and move on from it. When I got into dissecting our personalities, I realized we don’t have the right formula, it all makes sense, and life goes on.

But last night, that’s not what I saw. My 2013 Twitter feed wasn’t full of a girl looking to dissect anything… It was full of a girl that was counting down the days until her love came home from France, reminiscing on the beginning of their first trip together as the best day of her life, and dreading the idea of going back to her house, because her home and her happiness became wherever he was. It flooded my mind with the memories, both significant and mundane, but all wonderful.

I see so much beauty in people that fall into the right formula, and experience the phenomena of love. With as many odds as there are, love that ticks every box manages to happen every day, and I have to appreciate that.

For myself, it seems dismal. The more I learn about how people operate, the scarier it is to trust someone with my heart without a full psychological evaluation and a thorough diagnostic of our compatibility (only slightly joking here).

But this morning, I woke up with a new perspective.

I know how many different ways it can go wrong, I know how hard it is for people to truly live happily ever after, and I have read all of the case studies that break romance down to a science… but I want someone to come along and make me believe in fairy tales again. I don’t want case studies, I want magic. I want a love that makes no sense to me, a love I can’t dissect. I want the part of love that science has yet to figure out because it’s so irrational and so against the formula, and somehow it manages to work. I want my beautiful.

I want to believe in more than just the idea of it… I want to know it’s real.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and drunk tweets xx

Mediocre is Just as Scary as Extraordinary


After my post yesterday, I realized that one of the reasons my “destiny” is often better than my plans, is because I very rarely give myself enough credit. Everything that is coming to me now was once a dream I discarded as unrealistic at some point in my life; the school, the guy, the place…all of it.

Columbia has been my dream since I was 13 years old, the guy has been my dream since I was 16 years old, and the place has been my dream since I was so young, I can’t even remember what age I was. Unfortunately, somewhere after my 17th birthday, I decided to settle for what I thought I deserved.

17 year old me had excuses for why I would never be good enough for my dreams.

“Columbia wouldn’t take a home-schooled kid, I am not the glistening picture of what an ivy league student looks like on paper, so I guess some local college will have to do. A guy like him doesn’t fall in love with a girl like me. I am a bit chubby, quite awkward, and far from the being equal to his modelesque appearance and dazzling life; I guess I’ll just settle for whoever will love me. I’ll never make it to New York or even London. I mean, how could I? Not smart enough to go to school there, not capable enough to get a job there, so I guess this little town is it.”

Over the last couple of days, I have began to realize that my compromises (the boy, the school, the place) have completely fallen apart.

He has moved on and found his equal, I am bored to tears with the ease of my current college situation, and I feel totally out of place here. As I look back at my blog and old journal entries, I realize that in the process of clinging to my compromises, I stumbled across my dreams, and I can honestly say it was all an accident. I achieved all of these things to prove to the boy, the school, and the place which I settled for, that I was good enough for them.

The life I settled for was easy. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted, and venturing outside of that is scary. However, my compromises were not all bad; I did fall in to what I thought was love, I did make some friends, I proved to myself that I am capable, and I did find some happiness. What I didn’t do was realize that even the things I settled for could go wrong, and settling isn’t actually safe or easy. Just because he and it weren’t everything I dreamed of, didn’t mean he and it would always be there and make me happy.

All of that to say, Columbia is staring me in the face, that man’s life is falling perfectly into mine, with no effort, and that place made me feel alive again, as I could taste the reality of calling it home. It is all becoming real so quickly; it’s a bit scary.

I have finally realized that mediocre is just as scary as extraordinary. I am better than I gave myself credit for and given the choice, I choose the wonderful accidents in my life over the compromises made thinking I didn’t deserve them.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and all of it’s accidents xx 

Meant To Be

Today I learned that I need to focus on trusting myself and a realistic version of “destiny.” I spend so much time planning, analyzing, and critiquing, I often forget that I ultimately can’t control everything. I have learned to give in to the things that are “meant to be” and accept the things that aren’t. I have learned that regardless of my efforts, someone up there has different ideas, and they’re usually better than mine, even when they hurt a little bit.

There are days I want to know how my life will play out. Who will I fall in love with? Will I get to spend my life with them, or will it hurt? Will I ever know what it means to be completely content? Will I be successful, or will I be a waste of talent? Am I majoring in the right subject? Are my dreams too big…what if I fail?  At 20, I feel like I am so young, and yet, life is flying by, and I want to know what it all means.

Today I realized that even though I can influence the outcomes for each question, I cannot answer them in all certainty; and today, I am content with that. I don’t want to think about what it all means, because eventually I will find out. I have to trust that as long as I do my best, life will turn out the way it’s supposed to, and I’m just meant to enjoy it.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and hot yoga epiphanies xx 

I Have Given Everything

I feel like I’m going through a part of my life where I just want to crawl into a cave, be selfish, and come back out when I’m ready to be a functioning member of society.

The last couple of days have been extremely taxing on my emotions, and I need a break from being there for everyone. Even those that love me exhaust my emotions, and they don’t even know it. At this point in time, I need someone to give to me. I need someone to give me time, comfort, advice, affection, and conversation; all of the things I feel drained of. I need someone to make me talk about myself and my feelings, because I feel trapped. I need someone to care about me the way I care about them.

Notice how I said “care” and not “love.” I have loads of people that love me, but I need someone that cares. A friend, a boyfriend, a cat… I’m not even particular anymore. I need to be alone with someone who lets me just be. I am tired of talking about things that dont interest me to make people feel better, I am tired of faking laughs because I dont want to hurt anyones feelings, and I’m tired of giving people what they want to know about me while they leave behind all the pieces that matter.

I am there for people in some of their rawest moments, and I spend my days letting them know that everything will be okay. My family, my friends, and my “clients” (for lack of a better word). Everyone wants something from me, but lately, nobody has given anything back.

I feel overwhelmed, discarded, and selfish.  I feel like I want someone to walk into my room, see me in the terrible state that I’m in at the moment, and give me everything they have like I’d do for them. I want someone to make me talk about myself until it all makes sense.

I would never give myself with the expectation of getting something back every time, but today, I am spent. I have given everything, and I am tired. I am going to crawl into a metaphorical cave and rejuvenate. I need peace. I need to feel whole.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and silence xx 

Almost is Never Enough

“If I would have known that you wanted me, the way I wanted you… Then maybe we wouldn’t be two worlds apart.”

I have to admit, I really hated Ariana Grande…

Then I heard this song.

When I am upset, I remind myself that I have some talent, and I sing. This song has been the perfect outlet for me the last couple of days. As I deal with the stuff in my last post and prepare to make such a bittersweet decision, it helps to be reminded that almost is never enough. I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I have.

Okay…now I am done being emotional. Tomorrow, I’ll update you on the things I am actually really happy about. 🙂

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and now, Ariana Grande too xx 

Dismissing Warwick: Contract With Reality


Dismissing Warwick is yet another form of closure. When we were together, I dreamed of being in the same place, like a normal couple. After we split, I held on to the idea that we were soul mates damned by distance. At some point after that, I began to realize the latter was not so, and it was irrational to ever think that was the truth. There are many reasons we didn’t work out. At first, that was something I was bitter about, but now it gives me the motivation to decline what was once my dream.

I know there is no love there, we’ve both moved on, and I think he’ll probably be relieved/indifferent to know I’m going to decline; but none of that actually makes it easier to finally walk away from something I loved and worked for over the last couple of years.

I’ve told myself a million times that I would NEVER take him back, and rationally, I am completely sure of that. Yet, declining makes me really come to grips with the fact that this will not have some fairy tale ending. We won’t have that magical love story where two high school sweethearts fall in love, are tragically torn apart by distance, date other people and accept that it’s over, then magically run into each other’s arms at Heathrow (I’ve watched Love Actually an unhealthy amount of times) and carry on to their happily ever after. It’s all very conflicting.

Declining this offer makes reality set in. It makes me realize that everything I thought about us was wrong. For the longest time I thought we were this once and a lifetime kind of love and that was worth fighting for. Turns out, we were just another set of foolish teenagers. There was no magic or soul mate type love, just two young people looking for a temporary high.

That is not to say that it wasn’t enjoyable, and I guess at this point, that’s all that matters; but declining that offer makes it clear that nearly three years of thinking I was in love with someone in an extraordinary way, will end in a semi-fond memory that will eventually fade, nothing life changing.

In reality, I know where I belong, what I should be doing, and who I belong with. Everything I’ve been thinking as I prepare for this are things I accepted and dealt with ages ago.

But there is something about officially declining, that makes it all real, a sort of contract with reality. It’s one thing to acknowledge it in my head, it’s another thing to see a dream I had for so long, attached to a person I wanted standing next to me when it came true, and deciding to just completely cut it off and not think twice about it.

I don’t feel heartache, I’m not angry or even emotional, and in a way I am ready to move beyond this glimmer of irrational thought; but something still makes this difficult, and I’m not sure if it’s my hatred for changing plans or a real disappointment I need to deal with (or both).

What do you guys think? Does this even make sense?

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life…and eventually studying in the UK xx

Days Like Today

On days like today, being 20 is exciting, but it is also terrifying.  I understand everyone else, but never myself. Sometimes that is interesting, but when I am trying to make decisions, it’s just scary. Everybody has questions that I can’t answer; sometimes I like the challenge, and at other time I really hate every part of it. On days like today, it all just seems like too much, and I want someone else to know; I want someone I feel okay ‘not knowing’ with.


On a day like today, I feel weak and totally unsure of everything, and I miss having someone to make sense of it all. In a world where I hide every ugly part, it is easy to miss having someone that saw everything… sometimes without explanation. Opening up to someone takes a great amount of effort, and when I feel weak/unsure, I want effortless. I want to let down all of my guards and just be vulnerable, because it’s too much work to hide. Today, I don’t want to be the one who has all the answers; I want someone who knows what to say, to make me ask all of the questions, they have all of the answers to.

That might be unrealistic and a little ridiculous, but I never promised to be rational, not today anyway.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… And feeling like I’ve lost the plot xx 

Anonymous

“Also, this is painfully honest, but I would rather tell you than my blog: I have done things I dont think I would’ve ever dreamed of had we stayed together. Not because you held me back, but because I loved you too much and I thought more of you than I thought of myself. I thought you were the most amazing person I had ever met, and it kept me from meeting myself (corny, I know). I am extremely proud of everything I have done, but that doesn’t change the fact that I do miss you quite often. Not even romantically, because I do think I’ve learned too much to fall back into that easily… But there are times when I miss the best friend aspect. I miss how effortlessly I could love you, and in a world where I doubt everyone and everything, that’s easy to miss. I am happy, and I hope this doesn’t come off as overly sappy or emotional, because it’s not meant to be anything but honest.”

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and messages that never made it xx 

Deep Down In My Jostled Mind

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For a few weeks, I thought we were less than strangers to each other. It was a really odd feeling. To think that someone who meant everything at one point, meant less than nothing now. I began to accept that there was much more to the end than just a distance. After all, we got into the same university, and I couldn’t even tell him. It just seemed like a reality I didn’t want to face, an admittance that I spent a year avoiding. The whole ‘we love each other but we are far away’ idea was clearly not true, and the doubts and questions that flooded my mind were just too much to handle at the time…

So in typical me fashion, I dealt with the difficult realization, combined it with every other conclusion, built a bridge, and got over that sh*t.

I got over it so much that I just assumed that we were meant to forget about each other and move on, so I did. It was probably the first time in years that I went weeks without thinking about him in some way… Until I got into an accident the other night. I woke up asking for him (this is actually a long story, and not at all romantic), and in a way, it kind of reminded me that deep down in my slightly jostled mind, he was not forgotten.

 A few hours after that initial “where is he?” We spoke to eachother, and as usual, conversation flowed and it sounded like two old friends who really loved speaking with the other. There was no awkwardness, no hard feelings, nothing… 

It hit me, that I had done such a good job of convincing myself that we were nothing, that I had made him even less than a friend to me. I just assumed that if it wasn’t distance, it had to be a lack of giving a damn (on both ends), and I was okay with that. It wouldn’t have even dawned on me to tell him I had been in an accident, I just kind of assumed it wouldn’t matter. 

Over the last couple of days, I have had nothing but time to think. In that time, I’ve realized that some things aren’t all or nothing. Just because we are not eachother’s cup of tea anymore, doesn’t mean he would be emotionless if something terrible happened to me. 

Does knowing that everything happened as we planned it, except for the “us” part, suck? Yeah, sometimes that stings.  Is it easy to get wrapped up in psychology land and forget he’s human? Yeah, sometimes I forget that there is a difference between dealing with emotions differently and being emotionless. 

But for the last couple of days, it’s been nice to know that there is a gray area. Those plans and acceptance letters don’t mean what they used to and he may be a little bit of an emotional idiot… but he still has feelings, I still mean something, and I should probably consider telling him the next time I get into an accident, because that’s what friends do. 

All of that to say… Knowing he cared, makes it okay for me to care. It doesn’t make us weak, it just means we matter. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… And gray areas xx