For a few weeks, I thought we were less than strangers to each other. It was a really odd feeling. To think that someone who meant everything at one point, meant less than nothing now. I began to accept that there was much more to the end than just a distance. After all, we got into the same university, and I couldn’t even tell him. It just seemed like a reality I didn’t want to face, an admittance that I spent a year avoiding. The whole ‘we love each other but we are far away’ idea was clearly not true, and the doubts and questions that flooded my mind were just too much to handle at the time…
So in typical me fashion, I dealt with the difficult realization, combined it with every other conclusion, built a bridge, and got over that sh*t.
I got over it so much that I just assumed that we were meant to forget about each other and move on, so I did. It was probably the first time in years that I went weeks without thinking about him in some way… Until I got into an accident the other night. I woke up asking for him (this is actually a long story, and not at all romantic), and in a way, it kind of reminded me that deep down in my slightly jostled mind, he was not forgotten.
A few hours after that initial “where is he?” We spoke to eachother, and as usual, conversation flowed and it sounded like two old friends who really loved speaking with the other. There was no awkwardness, no hard feelings, nothing…
It hit me, that I had done such a good job of convincing myself that we were nothing, that I had made him even less than a friend to me. I just assumed that if it wasn’t distance, it had to be a lack of giving a damn (on both ends), and I was okay with that. It wouldn’t have even dawned on me to tell him I had been in an accident, I just kind of assumed it wouldn’t matter.
Over the last couple of days, I have had nothing but time to think. In that time, I’ve realized that some things aren’t all or nothing. Just because we are not eachother’s cup of tea anymore, doesn’t mean he would be emotionless if something terrible happened to me.
Does knowing that everything happened as we planned it, except for the “us” part, suck? Yeah, sometimes that stings. Is it easy to get wrapped up in psychology land and forget he’s human? Yeah, sometimes I forget that there is a difference between dealing with emotions differently and being emotionless.
But for the last couple of days, it’s been nice to know that there is a gray area. Those plans and acceptance letters don’t mean what they used to and he may be a little bit of an emotional idiot… but he still has feelings, I still mean something, and I should probably consider telling him the next time I get into an accident, because that’s what friends do.
All of that to say… Knowing he cared, makes it okay for me to care. It doesn’t make us weak, it just means we matter.
Lucy Loves Life… And gray areas xx