Dismissing Warwick is yet another form of closure. When we were together, I dreamed of being in the same place, like a normal couple. After we split, I held on to the idea that we were soul mates damned by distance. At some point after that, I began to realize the latter was not so, and it was irrational to ever think that was the truth. There are many reasons we didn’t work out. At first, that was something I was bitter about, but now it gives me the motivation to decline what was once my dream.
I know there is no love there, we’ve both moved on, and I think he’ll probably be relieved/indifferent to know I’m going to decline; but none of that actually makes it easier to finally walk away from something I loved and worked for over the last couple of years.
I’ve told myself a million times that I would NEVER take him back, and rationally, I am completely sure of that. Yet, declining makes me really come to grips with the fact that this will not have some fairy tale ending. We won’t have that magical love story where two high school sweethearts fall in love, are tragically torn apart by distance, date other people and accept that it’s over, then magically run into each other’s arms at Heathrow (I’ve watched Love Actually an unhealthy amount of times) and carry on to their happily ever after. It’s all very conflicting.
Declining this offer makes reality set in. It makes me realize that everything I thought about us was wrong. For the longest time I thought we were this once and a lifetime kind of love and that was worth fighting for. Turns out, we were just another set of foolish teenagers. There was no magic or soul mate type love, just two young people looking for a temporary high.
That is not to say that it wasn’t enjoyable, and I guess at this point, that’s all that matters; but declining that offer makes it clear that nearly three years of thinking I was in love with someone in an extraordinary way, will end in a semi-fond memory that will eventually fade, nothing life changing.
In reality, I know where I belong, what I should be doing, and who I belong with. Everything I’ve been thinking as I prepare for this are things I accepted and dealt with ages ago.
But there is something about officially declining, that makes it all real, a sort of contract with reality. It’s one thing to acknowledge it in my head, it’s another thing to see a dream I had for so long, attached to a person I wanted standing next to me when it came true, and deciding to just completely cut it off and not think twice about it.
I don’t feel heartache, I’m not angry or even emotional, and in a way I am ready to move beyond this glimmer of irrational thought; but something still makes this difficult, and I’m not sure if it’s my hatred for changing plans or a real disappointment I need to deal with (or both).
What do you guys think? Does this even make sense?
Lucy Loves Life…and eventually studying in the UK xx