I feel like I’m going through a part of my life where I just want to crawl into a cave, be selfish, and come back out when I’m ready to be a functioning member of society.
The last couple of days have been extremely taxing on my emotions, and I need a break from being there for everyone. Even those that love me exhaust my emotions, and they don’t even know it. At this point in time, I need someone to give to me. I need someone to give me time, comfort, advice, affection, and conversation; all of the things I feel drained of. I need someone to make me talk about myself and my feelings, because I feel trapped. I need someone to care about me the way I care about them.
Notice how I said “care” and not “love.” I have loads of people that love me, but I need someone that cares. A friend, a boyfriend, a cat… I’m not even particular anymore. I need to be alone with someone who lets me just be. I am tired of talking about things that dont interest me to make people feel better, I am tired of faking laughs because I dont want to hurt anyones feelings, and I’m tired of giving people what they want to know about me while they leave behind all the pieces that matter.
I am there for people in some of their rawest moments, and I spend my days letting them know that everything will be okay. My family, my friends, and my “clients” (for lack of a better word). Everyone wants something from me, but lately, nobody has given anything back.
I feel overwhelmed, discarded, and selfish. I feel like I want someone to walk into my room, see me in the terrible state that I’m in at the moment, and give me everything they have like I’d do for them. I want someone to make me talk about myself until it all makes sense.
I would never give myself with the expectation of getting something back every time, but today, I am spent. I have given everything, and I am tired. I am going to crawl into a metaphorical cave and rejuvenate. I need peace. I need to feel whole.
Lucy Loves Life…and silence xx