After my post yesterday, I realized that one of the reasons my “destiny” is often better than my plans, is because I very rarely give myself enough credit. Everything that is coming to me now was once a dream I discarded as unrealistic at some point in my life; the school, the guy, the place…all of it.
Columbia has been my dream since I was 13 years old, the guy has been my dream since I was 16 years old, and the place has been my dream since I was so young, I can’t even remember what age I was. Unfortunately, somewhere after my 17th birthday, I decided to settle for what I thought I deserved.
17 year old me had excuses for why I would never be good enough for my dreams.
“Columbia wouldn’t take a home-schooled kid, I am not the glistening picture of what an ivy league student looks like on paper, so I guess some local college will have to do. A guy like him doesn’t fall in love with a girl like me. I am a bit chubby, quite awkward, and far from the being equal to his modelesque appearance and dazzling life; I guess I’ll just settle for whoever will love me. I’ll never make it to New York or even London. I mean, how could I? Not smart enough to go to school there, not capable enough to get a job there, so I guess this little town is it.”
Over the last couple of days, I have began to realize that my compromises (the boy, the school, the place) have completely fallen apart.
He has moved on and found his equal, I am bored to tears with the ease of my current college situation, and I feel totally out of place here. As I look back at my blog and old journal entries, I realize that in the process of clinging to my compromises, I stumbled across my dreams, and I can honestly say it was all an accident. I achieved all of these things to prove to the boy, the school, and the place which I settled for, that I was good enough for them.
The life I settled for was easy. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted, and venturing outside of that is scary. However, my compromises were not all bad; I did fall in to what I thought was love, I did make some friends, I proved to myself that I am capable, and I did find some happiness. What I didn’t do was realize that even the things I settled for could go wrong, and settling isn’t actually safe or easy. Just because he and it weren’t everything I dreamed of, didn’t mean he and it would always be there and make me happy.
All of that to say, Columbia is staring me in the face, that man’s life is falling perfectly into mine, with no effort, and that place made me feel alive again, as I could taste the reality of calling it home. It is all becoming real so quickly; it’s a bit scary.
I have finally realized that mediocre is just as scary as extraordinary. I am better than I gave myself credit for and given the choice, I choose the wonderful accidents in my life over the compromises made thinking I didn’t deserve them.
Lucy Loves Life… and all of it’s accidents xx