The last couple of days have reminded me of why I love psychology enough to spend the next ten years studying it. Being able to see just how resilient and powerful the mind is in ways we can’t always see is inspiring.
The mind holds on to thoughts that appear as they choose, yet those thoughts are still a part of us.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and it could just be the sugar withdraws speaking, but it has been turbulent. I’ve been faced with a lot of my fears that I thought I was far beyond, and answers I wasn’t even looking for. Thoughts that have always been my own are just now appearing to me, and dealing with them can be tough. I have had to face my fears of being hurt in ways I never would’ve imagined I could fear pain. I have had answers on how I choose who I choose years after we split, and been able to redirect my need for that dysfunction.
I am growing. Between being a constant over thinker and obsessed with psychology, I am always thinking and tweaking my life. I feel fortunate to have the ability to analyze my life and see where I went wrong. Most people don’t see what I have until it’s just too late and they’re married to someone who is all wrong for their true selves, and maybe even slightly miserable. So I’m glad I’m only twenty, and I’m glad it’s only taken one true heartbreak to get me to the core of figuring out what and who makes me tick or crumble.
I’m sorry this is all so vague, I have an anonymous blog for the gory details; but I figured I have let you all come a long for this ride called my life through all of my ups and downs for a year, I might as well make you aware of this moment of crazy. I am evolving, and as flowery as that sounds, it is a very emotionally confusing time, and I am just taking the thoughts as they come.
Lucy Loves Life… and cliché amounts of soul searching xx
I feel weird, and because I feel weird, I have been unable to blog. I have written nearly five entries in the last two weeks, but they’re either too honest for this blog, or too scatterbrained, so they just get saved as I move on. I haven’t even been writing in my journal, because my thoughts are just that random. The only problem is, I hate not writing, and it’s driving me mad…so I’m resorting to bullet points. Yup, bullet points of all my random thoughts;
- I want to be a psychiatrist
- I miss school because I hate working 9-5
- I miss yoga and having free time
- At least this busy-ness is practice for medical school
- Sh*t, medical school
- I’m going to be in school until I’m in my 30’s
- What school do I want to go to for medicine? Wait, I haven’t even gone into my last two years of undergrad, calm down.
- How will I have a life? I’m going to be a REALLY old mom.
- Could I have a husband and children while doing my residency?
- It’s a good thing Mr. Old and I broke up.
- He could never be married to a medical student.
- Have I eaten today?
- No, I’m not in the mood for fish.
- But yeah, the Lucy that loved Mr. Old would not be VP of scholarship, running for international VP, heading to Columbia, or even thinking about practicing psychiatry.
- Or modeling
- I ate way too much when we we’re together
- Why don’t we have a Byron in America?
- Dude, I should work out.
- Lol, jk, I’m at work.
- I have to go to that open call before school starts
- You are pretty enough
- Go eat some broccoli
- I really love the Whole30
- Mainly because it makes me feel good
- I love how easy life is with Mr. New
- He would rub my feet after a long day of school.
- He inspires my greatness.
- You should marry a guy like that, right?
- What if medical school ruins my love life.
- Oh well, I’ll hug my patients.
- Let’s see how they did it on Grey’s Anatomy
- Wait, I have a meeting to go to
- I’m going to be late…to.my.own.meeting.
- But first, I need that pink toothbrush.
- It’ll take five minutes.
- I’m the worst leader ever.
- Just kidding, that plan is brilliant.
- And so are my teeth.
- They’re all excited to manage my campaign, score.
- Let’s go see Mr. New, I need food.
- I need to play Beyonce all the way to his place, because that meeting has me feeling like a “Diva.”
- Imma, a diva.
- He made dinner.
- He could totally love me through medical school.
- Oh wait, there is no kale. He’s trying to make me fat.
- Could we spend our lives together? I mean, he forgot the kale…but not the potatoes?!
- Doesn’t he know models and potatoes don’t mix?
- I told him to add the potatoes in the recipe, my bad.
- He just opened a can of “let’s talk about the future.”
- Geezus. .
- I can’t commit to you. I’ve made plans to follow and be followed with someone before.
- They stopped following and if we weren’t worth the struggle, no relationship is… don’t you get it?
- Relationships should be easy. We are easy now.
- What if we’re not easy when I’m pulling all nighters or in a different city?
- Am I thinking out of fear?
- Stop it, Lucy.
- You two work, his plans match your plans; sure, he forgets the kale, but hey, what’s a lack of nutrients amongst love?
- Oh, this foot rub doe.
- Life may get hectic, but that’s the beauty of it.
So, there you have it, 61 random thoughts I had yesterday. Thank you for reading through my scatterbrained mess, as I couldn’t manage to turn that all into an inspirational tale of ex-boyfriend thoughts and hypothetical medical school meltdowns.
Lucy Loves Life…and foot rubs xx
July 17th, 2013 is a day that holds a lot of good memories for me. At the time it was very conflicting, because that day I was caught between who I had and who I wanted. The days following it, I made the “right” decision and held on to what I had, which for the longest time felt wrong… especially when “right” fell apart. For nearly a year, this day marked a sort of regret as I watched the little moments in that day become memories I thought I would never have again. They say you should have no regrets because your experiences all have purpose, but it took a while to find the purpose in what felt like an opportunity wasted.
Two years later, I look back and smile because I can see it now. I can see how tough decisions, heartbreak, and a bit of confusion led to something wonderful. Those moments happened again, they continue to happen, and they’re so special that it’s easy to forget the turmoil in between. I no longer see the conflict, but instead the overwhelming amount of good that came to be.
Lucy Loves Life…and the 17th of July.
You ever have something or someone come into your life to confirm a lesson you’ve spent loads of time trying to learn? Yeah, that happened via this HONY post today.
Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to embrace the idea that memories, both good and bad, should be embraced, because they’ve “made me who I am today” and all that jazz.
It’s a totally noble concept and I really do try to see the value in that… but when you’d rather remember a hysterectomy without anesthesia/ hemorrhoids on a wooden roller-coaster, than your life with a certain someone(s)… that idea is lost pretty quickly.
Luckily, this post made me realize that even on days when I can’t appreciate what those memories contributed to my life or “made me,” I should continue to be grateful for their existence. Regardless of whether they were the best days of my life, or hemorrhoid-ish; I have them, I can remember them, and I continue to make new ones everyday. That’s not something to take for granted…
Lucy Loves Life…and Humans of New York xx
Co-Worker: “How’s your day going?”
I’m wearing leggings and a sweater dress in the middle of July, my shoes are only a step above Crocs, the only thing holding my dirty hair together is sunglasses, turned headband, and my makeup consists of some left over drool. Oh, and there are three Keurig cups worth of coffee in this nifty reusable Starbucks cup, because I care about the environment more than my kidneys. How are you?
Lucy Loves Life..and being able to laugh at these days xx
Random words of wisdom found while strolling through an art museum:
But sometimes, we should just let them be….
Because carbs fix everything!
I thought this was just a Florida girl problem;but yes, because no one wants to be the one girl in boxer shorts and a t-shirt, while your smart friends look cute.
Dear stranger, I really needed to read this…thank you.
Love is not hard; it’s the fact that it’s not always enough that makes it tricky.
Lucy Loves Life…and quotes from random strangers xx
I am learning the ropes all over again, I am learning to trust someone, and I am learning what it means to love, after I swore I never would again. I have stopped living my life as if he is watching. It may have been abandoned, but it is still my life, my heart, and my happiness, regardless of what anyone else has to say of it. I am exploring something new, and sometimes, that scares the shit out of me.
I am taking someone that I held at arm’s length, and letting them see me, all of me, in a way I never thought I’d be able to again. I am learning to trust, because I can’t cling to security at the cost of love. I am learning to believe “I love you,” truly and deeply. I am letting my guard down, and giving someone the power to hurt me, to leave me, and maybe even break me in a way that will take another year to recover from. I can’t be isolated in the fear of pain, it’s too lonely.
This may not last, this may actually hurt quite badly, and I don’t doubt that at some point, tough decisions are going to be made; but I have to live. I have to risk my security and comfort, because I was made to feel and love wholeheartedly.
Lucy Loves Life….and “someone” xx