All I Can See is Panic

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I feel like I’ve spent the last couple of weeks crying for no apparent reason. I can’t pinpoint whether it’s the stress from school, financial stress, or family drama…all I know is that I’ve spent an unbelievable amount of time crying lately. It feels like I am always upset and all it takes to make me bawl my eyes out is someone looking at me the wrong way. I am constantly in a state of anxiety, and I don’t know how to fix it.

I haven’t blogged in a while because I have nothing positive to say, and how the hell can you write about being miserable when you end everything with “Lucy Loves Life.” Lucy doesn’t love life right now, and the shitty part is, I don’t know why.

I don’t have a grade below a 95, as a matter of fact, I have a 99.4 in the biology class I thought was going to kill me, so needless to say school is going well. Yet all I can see is the incredible amount of work still left to put in to maintain that, to carry on with my dream school, to pay for it…

I signed a modeling contract and everything is on track there, and yet all I can do is worry about whether I am really what they want and if I’ll get any work over here.

I am making big girl moves like moving out and big purchases, and even though it should be exciting and I have loads of back up plans, I am terrified of falling on my face and not being able to handle life on my own.

I have a few job opportunities and instead of seeing what could be, I see what isn’t and let it panic me.

Even two weeks spent with my aunt in a lovely beach house is cause for stress and panic over what I wont be getting done at that time.

Life is technically fine, but all I can see and feel is panic. Life is technically way better than fine, and trust me people don’t fail to tell me how crazy they think my stress is. I know, “poor me, I have a 4.0, a modeling contract, and a two-week vacation in Miami coming up, life is hard.” I realize how people can see that, and it makes me feel even worse for having this feeling of impending doom. But it’s there… I can’t fight it… But I am trying, desperately trying.