New Blog: The Big Model

Hey guys! Long time now speak, for the best reason ever!

I’ve kind of stepped back to give myself the time and creative renewal to put together a blog that I have been dreaming of since beginning this blog.

My new blog is all about fashion, health, and body positivity; I couldn’t be more proud of it.

IMG_2763

thebigmodel.com is now live and I hope you guys will pay a visit and enjoy it as much as I’ve enjoyed putting it together!

July 17th and Regrets

July 17th, 2013 is a day that holds a lot of good memories for me. At the time it was very conflicting, because that day I was caught between who I had and who I wanted. The days following it, I made the “right” decision and held on to what I had, which for the longest time felt wrong… especially when “right” fell apart. For nearly a year, this day marked a sort of regret as I watched the little moments in that day become memories I thought I would never have again. They say you should have no regrets because your experiences all have purpose, but it took a while to find the purpose in what felt like an opportunity wasted.


Two years later, I look back and smile because I can see it now. I can see how tough decisions, heartbreak, and a bit of confusion led to something wonderful. Those moments happened again, they continue to happen, and they’re so special that it’s easy to forget the turmoil in between. I no longer see the conflict, but instead the overwhelming amount of good that came to be.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life…and the 17th of July.

Hemorrhoid-ish Memories?


You ever have something or someone come into your life to confirm a lesson you’ve spent loads of time trying to learn? Yeah, that happened via this HONY post today.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to embrace the idea that memories, both good and bad, should be embraced, because they’ve “made me who I am today” and all that jazz.

It’s a totally noble concept and I really do try to see the value in that… but when you’d rather remember a hysterectomy without anesthesia/ hemorrhoids on a wooden roller-coaster, than your life with a certain someone(s)… that idea is lost pretty quickly.

Luckily, this post made me realize that even on days when I can’t appreciate what those memories contributed to my life or “made me,” I should continue to be grateful for their existence. Regardless of whether they were the best days of my life, or hemorrhoid-ish; I have them, I can remember them, and I continue to make new ones everyday. That’s not something to take for granted…

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and Humans of New York xx 

Tidbits of Truth

Random words of wisdom found while strolling through an art museum:

IMG_2943 (1)But sometimes, we should just let them be….

IMG_2942

Because carbs fix everything!

IMG_2939I thought this was just a Florida girl problem;but yes, because no one wants to be the one girl in boxer shorts and a t-shirt, while your smart friends look cute.

IMG_2940

Dear stranger, I really needed to read this…thank you.

IMG_2941

Love is not hard; it’s the fact that it’s not always enough that makes it tricky.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and quotes from random strangers xx 

I Am Learning

I am learning the ropes all over again, I am learning to trust someone, and I am learning what it means to love, after I swore I never would again. I have stopped living my life as if he is watching. It may have been abandoned, but it is still my life, my heart, and my happiness, regardless of what anyone else has to say of it. I am exploring something new, and sometimes, that scares the shit out of me.

I am taking someone that I held at arm’s length, and letting them see me, all of me, in a way I never thought I’d be able to again. I am learning to trust, because I can’t cling to security at the cost of love. I am learning to believe “I love you,” truly and deeply. I am letting my guard down, and giving someone the power to hurt me, to leave me, and maybe even break me in a way that will take another year to recover from. I can’t be isolated in the fear of pain, it’s too lonely.

This may not last, this may actually hurt quite badly, and I don’t doubt that at some point, tough decisions are going to be made; but I have to live. I have to risk my security and comfort, because I was made to feel and love wholeheartedly.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life….and “someone” xx

Memory Lane

I took a stroll down memory lane (old tweets) to show my little sister a hilarious drunk tweet from a party I went to in the summer of 2013. I acknowledged what a wonderful role model I am, found the tweet, we laughed, and life was good…but I also found an unexpected moment of nostalgia.

I was reminded that the summer of 2013 was of one of the most beautiful/special times in my life. This was the case for many reasons (new friends, parties, traveling…), but the most obvious reason, was him. I was madly in love, I believed I had found my soul mate (barf), and every day was my own little fairy tale.

It was very bittersweet to see just how in love I was.

I have gotten to a place in life where I’m not even sure if love like that is real; but that summer, I believed it with all of my heart, and I miss those times. Not so much the love, but the belief that fairy tales happen. I miss a time when love and relationships weren’t just some formula of personality and attachment theory (psych problems) turned into lifetime partnership.

I see love in a very pragmatic, often skeptical way. Looking at our love with my knowledge of people kind of made it easier to lose and move on from it. When I got into dissecting our personalities, I realized we don’t have the right formula, it all makes sense, and life goes on.

But last night, that’s not what I saw. My 2013 Twitter feed wasn’t full of a girl looking to dissect anything… It was full of a girl that was counting down the days until her love came home from France, reminiscing on the beginning of their first trip together as the best day of her life, and dreading the idea of going back to her house, because her home and her happiness became wherever he was. It flooded my mind with the memories, both significant and mundane, but all wonderful.

I see so much beauty in people that fall into the right formula, and experience the phenomena of love. With as many odds as there are, love that ticks every box manages to happen every day, and I have to appreciate that.

For myself, it seems dismal. The more I learn about how people operate, the scarier it is to trust someone with my heart without a full psychological evaluation and a thorough diagnostic of our compatibility (only slightly joking here).

But this morning, I woke up with a new perspective.

I know how many different ways it can go wrong, I know how hard it is for people to truly live happily ever after, and I have read all of the case studies that break romance down to a science… but I want someone to come along and make me believe in fairy tales again. I don’t want case studies, I want magic. I want a love that makes no sense to me, a love I can’t dissect. I want the part of love that science has yet to figure out because it’s so irrational and so against the formula, and somehow it manages to work. I want my beautiful.

I want to believe in more than just the idea of it… I want to know it’s real.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and drunk tweets xx

Mediocre is Just as Scary as Extraordinary


After my post yesterday, I realized that one of the reasons my “destiny” is often better than my plans, is because I very rarely give myself enough credit. Everything that is coming to me now was once a dream I discarded as unrealistic at some point in my life; the school, the guy, the place…all of it.

Columbia has been my dream since I was 13 years old, the guy has been my dream since I was 16 years old, and the place has been my dream since I was so young, I can’t even remember what age I was. Unfortunately, somewhere after my 17th birthday, I decided to settle for what I thought I deserved.

17 year old me had excuses for why I would never be good enough for my dreams.

“Columbia wouldn’t take a home-schooled kid, I am not the glistening picture of what an ivy league student looks like on paper, so I guess some local college will have to do. A guy like him doesn’t fall in love with a girl like me. I am a bit chubby, quite awkward, and far from the being equal to his modelesque appearance and dazzling life; I guess I’ll just settle for whoever will love me. I’ll never make it to New York or even London. I mean, how could I? Not smart enough to go to school there, not capable enough to get a job there, so I guess this little town is it.”

Over the last couple of days, I have began to realize that my compromises (the boy, the school, the place) have completely fallen apart.

He has moved on and found his equal, I am bored to tears with the ease of my current college situation, and I feel totally out of place here. As I look back at my blog and old journal entries, I realize that in the process of clinging to my compromises, I stumbled across my dreams, and I can honestly say it was all an accident. I achieved all of these things to prove to the boy, the school, and the place which I settled for, that I was good enough for them.

The life I settled for was easy. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted, and venturing outside of that is scary. However, my compromises were not all bad; I did fall in to what I thought was love, I did make some friends, I proved to myself that I am capable, and I did find some happiness. What I didn’t do was realize that even the things I settled for could go wrong, and settling isn’t actually safe or easy. Just because he and it weren’t everything I dreamed of, didn’t mean he and it would always be there and make me happy.

All of that to say, Columbia is staring me in the face, that man’s life is falling perfectly into mine, with no effort, and that place made me feel alive again, as I could taste the reality of calling it home. It is all becoming real so quickly; it’s a bit scary.

I have finally realized that mediocre is just as scary as extraordinary. I am better than I gave myself credit for and given the choice, I choose the wonderful accidents in my life over the compromises made thinking I didn’t deserve them.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and all of it’s accidents xx 

Days Like Today

On days like today, being 20 is exciting, but it is also terrifying.  I understand everyone else, but never myself. Sometimes that is interesting, but when I am trying to make decisions, it’s just scary. Everybody has questions that I can’t answer; sometimes I like the challenge, and at other time I really hate every part of it. On days like today, it all just seems like too much, and I want someone else to know; I want someone I feel okay ‘not knowing’ with.


On a day like today, I feel weak and totally unsure of everything, and I miss having someone to make sense of it all. In a world where I hide every ugly part, it is easy to miss having someone that saw everything… sometimes without explanation. Opening up to someone takes a great amount of effort, and when I feel weak/unsure, I want effortless. I want to let down all of my guards and just be vulnerable, because it’s too much work to hide. Today, I don’t want to be the one who has all the answers; I want someone who knows what to say, to make me ask all of the questions, they have all of the answers to.

That might be unrealistic and a little ridiculous, but I never promised to be rational, not today anyway.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… And feeling like I’ve lost the plot xx 

Anonymous

“Also, this is painfully honest, but I would rather tell you than my blog: I have done things I dont think I would’ve ever dreamed of had we stayed together. Not because you held me back, but because I loved you too much and I thought more of you than I thought of myself. I thought you were the most amazing person I had ever met, and it kept me from meeting myself (corny, I know). I am extremely proud of everything I have done, but that doesn’t change the fact that I do miss you quite often. Not even romantically, because I do think I’ve learned too much to fall back into that easily… But there are times when I miss the best friend aspect. I miss how effortlessly I could love you, and in a world where I doubt everyone and everything, that’s easy to miss. I am happy, and I hope this doesn’t come off as overly sappy or emotional, because it’s not meant to be anything but honest.”

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and messages that never made it xx