Understood

There are times in life that even when constantly busy and surrounded by people, I can never get over the feeling of boredom and loneliness. I look for the next activity, the next friend, the next relationship to cultivate, the next everything as long as it’s new and offers the potential to mean something.

I always thought being smart, like extraordinarily smart, along with empathetic and ambitious was the recipe to make a difference in the world and therefore be a source of all happiness… I worked and work towards being those things, because who doesn’t want “all happiness.” I never thought about how much fear and isolation was involved in the reality of my pursuit of difference as a personal form of happiness.

In a social setting, a woman like me paves the way for a very lonely existence. I bore most people with talk of things they don’t understand or don’t view passionately and most people bore me with topics I’ve contemplated a thousand times and I derive no challenge or excitement from.

Most people usually can’t relate or find me to be too intense especially when my distain for small talk kicks in. When dating I found pretty quickly that men, even intelligent men, tend to find me to be too intimidating to get to know or they do stick around and they’re not willing to deal with the cons that come with my pros. I realize I am flawed; some would even say a pain in the ass. I also I realize my perception may or may not be factual, but it doesn’t change my reality.

Anyway, I’ve gotten very good at playing social games. I can seek entertainment with shallow friendships and events, and I can definitely keep myself busy with those things… but I find in attempt to stay busy with what is easily available to me socially, I only make my desire to experience genuine connections deeper.

My motto in life has very quickly become “I don’t want to be loved, I want to be understood.” Even in my current relationship, with someone I feel understands me better than most, just the implication that he doesn’t in the smallest facets of my character is enough to make me feel very alone even in the midst of the most intimate moments.

I want someone to understand my passions, what makes me tick, what I want to be in this world, and the differences I want to make. That’s what excites me, that’s what makes me feel loved, and THAT is a lot to ask for.

I love when brains, science, and people combine. I love travel and the feeling of experiencing a world I’ve never seen, I love the beautiful things in life, and I love the arts and humanities. I love how intensely I feel everything and the rush of talking about something that inspires me. I love attention and being admired for the things that matter to me. Mostly I love being appreciated for the intricate parts of my being I feel only I can see, so much so that it is my truest and deepest definition of intimacy.

I ache to see change in the social injustices that doom people to a life of poverty, mental illness, illiteracy, and an overall poor quality of life. I am often overwhelmed with my ideas of how to make change, and the negative feelings associated with the reality check that I will not be able to do it all.

I used to fear relatively normal things like death or never finding someone to love. But now I fear normalcy. I fear settling for shallow encounter after shallow encounter in the hopes of belonging.  I fear shooting for the moon and landing on my ass. I fear dying in a world where I had no impact. Mostly, I fear having children with no legacy to leave them, so much so, that despite this intense longing to someday be a mother, I don’t think I’ll even try to get pregnant until I can see a feasible path to the aforementioned legacy…a path that may never be paved, terrifying.

I’ve spent months pursuing a life that has that has brought me eye to eye with idea of my fears becoming my reality. I’ve felt myself settling and even aspiring to shallow, easily accessible experiences that offer less chance of failure. I have learned to avoid conversations that sound anything like what I’ve just written because it leaves so much room for me to be misunderstood in my pursuit of the opposite.

I suppose I may never be understood and I may never understand. I’m starting to realize that the right thing to do is to get so lost in the pursuit of my passions that I stop falling into the trap of focusing so intently on my perception of feeling alone. The reality is, those feelings are just that, a perception, and I have far too much shit I want to do to let them stand in the way of my reality.

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New Blog: The Big Model

Hey guys! Long time now speak, for the best reason ever!

I’ve kind of stepped back to give myself the time and creative renewal to put together a blog that I have been dreaming of since beginning this blog.

My new blog is all about fashion, health, and body positivity; I couldn’t be more proud of it.

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thebigmodel.com is now live and I hope you guys will pay a visit and enjoy it as much as I’ve enjoyed putting it together!

Healthy and Skinny Are Not Synonymous

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A few months ago, I decided to stop fighting my body. As a woman that is 5’10”, a size 12/14, with a large body composition (yes, I really am big boned, seriously, buying bracelets requires elastic), I was very insecure with my size in many respects, and for years I could hear the guy I had a crush on in 8th grade asking me if I was a man. When you think of femininity and grace, most people wouldn’t think of a super tall chick with curves for weeks and a big (not necessarily fat) body. I really didn’t feel sexy, I honestly just felt like Khloe Kardashian in her chubby days; towering over everyone and struggling to be the “hot sister.”

Naturally, my first resort to sort out this problem was trying to get skinny. I totally cleaned up my diet an eliminated all added sugar, wheat, gluten, dairy, soy, and legumes. I bumped up my workout schedule, and guess what? Nothing happened. Well, nothing weight related. I did lose a few pounds, my skin cleared up, my mind was sharper, and I really did feel amazing, but that scale didn’t budge more than seven pounds, regardless of what I ate, for nearly six months. So then I began the fight with not only eating extremely clean, but also calorie counting. I guess this is a good time to tell you I was on the verge of a Britney Spears circa 2007 style meltdown all the time. I cut my calories from about 1500-1800 calories to about 1200 calories, and every week that I stepped on the scale or measured myself to find out nothing had changed, my family knew to hide the umbrellas in preparation.

I really did fight with my body for a long time, and then one day it hit me.

I am perfectly healthy. I eat better than I ever have, I exercise, and I keep my mind sharp and active…so what the hell is there to freak out about? A number? Someone to tell me I look like a woman?  I am running optimally, and this is what my body looks like. Even on a liquid diet, the smallest I’ll ever be is a size 8, maybe 10, tough shit. I could either embrace that or continue to lose my fight against how I am built.

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The decision to embrace my body changed my life. I decided to take my height, my curves, and all of my bigger than life-ness, and put it to work. As it turns out, there are people out there willing to pay me a lot of money for the things I spent nearly a year fighting. Case in point, I have wanted to model for years, but I always held off  until I was just a little bit smaller. After embracing myself, I walked into an agency and gave myself a chance. Initially, I lied and said I was a size 10, and my agent said “oh that’s a real shame. You are exactly what we are looking for. You’re tall, curvy, and toned… but you’re too small.”

I decided to cut that crap and told her to measure me. Long story short, I bypassed the 2-3 week waiting time necessary to deliberate whether they sign a model, and walked out that day with a contract.

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I took a chance on myself, I became the healthiest version of myself, and I stopped letting my insecurities cripple me. My relationship with food has changed as I dont live in a constant state of deprivation for the sake of being skinny. My relationship with exercise has changed because it is no longer something I do expecting to see some drastic change in my weight.I eat well to have nice skin, to feel good, to sleep well, and to think clearly. I indulge selectively, but carry no guilt afterwards because having one flan while on vacation in Florida (A MUST) might cause a small weight fluctuation (which used to panic me), but it will not undo everything I ate to build my health before then.

The reality is, my life has changed now that I live to be healthy and not skinny, because despite what society says, the two are not synonymous. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and being the hot sister xx 

 

 

 

Let’s Be “Real” Women

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It drives me mad to see “real women have curves, skinny women look like little boys,” or “when I see my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and she’s a troll, I laugh,” or really any saying that makes a woman feel the need to put another woman down to feel better about what she eats (or doesn’t), her genetics, and/or how well she conforms to beauty standards.

We should be better than that.

We should understand that people are made differently. Some women were born to eat lots of cake and still be tall and skinny, and some were made to be a little plumper while munching on celery, and that’s okay.

We should understand that no man is worth tearing down a fellow woman’s appearance or even character. We should be good enough to understand we are more than our fat percentage and how that makes men perceive us. We should understand that if you were with a man that is shallow enough to stay with you because you’re the “hottest” he’ll ever have, you are a fool, and so is he.

We should be good enough to compete for more than our hip to waist ratio, but for real accomplishments that require a mind, a soul, and a heart. We should be good enough to understand that we have a point to prove and using our brains to come up with clever ways to jab our fellow woman is 5 steps back. We should be good enough to expect to be loved for our intelligence, for our humor, and for our integrity…

We should be good enough.

I know we live in a society that tells us beauty is this monumental thing. I have been guilty of comparing myself to an ex-boyfriend’s current fling based on how much more attractive I am than her, instead of who we are as people and what we’ve accomplished in life. I have felt the sting of being an honors student and thinking “but am I pretty?”

I’m definitely not above that, I have fallen into it many times, but I pull myself back out, because I want to be good enough. As women, we are kind of wired to correlate beauty with success and love, but I have to be better than that, and I have come to expect that from anyone I give my time to; because that’s what “real women” are, not a size 0 or 12.  

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life…and women that know better xx

Close Your Legs


The other day, I was with a certain five year (arguably, the cutest) and she was seated with her legs hiked up, wearing a skirt with shorts underneath. Her loving relative (who I have LOADS of respect for) told her to close her legs. Immediately I thought, how would this be different if she was a boy? What if a boy was sitting like that in their own home? Before I finished that thought, the five year old replied, “I’m wearing shorts.” To which she was told, “it doesn’t matter, sit like a lady.”

I could see her confusion, and it really bothered me. What was she thinking? What ideas was she forming of her body and sexuality? Did she feel confronted or uncomfortable about sitting in a way that was not at all immodest, but “inappropriate” because she’s a girl? Will this affect her when it comes time to have sex, go to an OB/GYN, and/ or have a baby? She was clearly conflicted enough in the idea of modesty to speak up for herself, but was she conflicted enough to form an idea based off of that encounter?  I don’t know, and the beauty of child psychology is that I can’t just ask (because she’s not yet developed enough to communicate emotions/thoughts of that nature), but I can wonder.

There are a lot of unknowns and very few facts in the world of double standards, so much so that I will not go far enough to say that boys aren’t told to be modest and girls are, because that’s very subjective. However, I will say that I definitely formed an opinion for when the time comes for me to raise children. I will never consciously (it may slip, I grew up hearing it) tell my daughter to “sit like a lady,” because quite frankly some of the most beautiful moments of her life will require her to spread em’. I will be sure to emphasize my ideas of modesty for both my boys and girls (if I’m fortunate enough to have both), but not because of their gender. Modesty, posture, and conduct are important, but never more or less important because of their sex.

This is not a “boo-hoo” I am a woman debate, as I am highly aware that double standards are no respecters of sexes. However, it is ideas like “sit like a lady” that create minds that form the large stereotypes both men and women struggle with today, and I will do everything in my power to prevent that cycle to continue in my own children. I want my children to understand that their is no shame in their sexuality, gender, or body; rather that all three are beautiful and best reserved for the right circumstances.

What do you guys think?

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and child psychology xx

Today’s Intention: Brains, Booty, and Beauty

Today’s yoga intention:

Don’t run. You will be successful in everything you work for. 

Today I am kind of feeling the stress that comes with school, relationships, and work. Everything is at a crossroads at the moment, and that is always a very scary place to be in. I am the kind of person who likes to know everything, and right now, I am at a place where I know nothing… But that’s okay. 

Today, I will pop on my yoga pants, check out my bum in the mirror, and remind myself that I have yet to truly fail. I work extremely hard, and so far, I have seen the reward of that. I have yet to drop my GPA, I would like to think the people in my life are happy (as far as I can control), and I haven’t lacked for anything, ever. 

Today, I feel a bit scared to look a month in advance; but I need to remind myself that I am brains, booty, and beauty, and there is nothing I can’t do. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and yoga pants xx 

P.S. My yoga intentions can sound a bit confident and sometimes a little arrogant; but I think true arrogance comes from people who don’t talk themselves up enough in their inner-monologue. I spend loads of time beating myself up, and it’s not working…So maybe telling myself I am thebomb.com will…who knows?

What A Year Can Change: Going Anoymous

Well, I have officially had this blog for a year, and that’s something I am quite proud of.

As you all know, it has been a very bumpy year. In a short summary; I have accomplished things I never dreamed possible, and still feel a loss I thought would’ve disappeared ages ago. I won’t go into that because I have created a new outlet for that:IMG_3776

Lucy Loves Life will continue as an outlet for the more shallow aspects of my life, while I have created a new blog that will remain anonymous for the sake of sharing my deepest thoughts and ideas.
So why go anonymous?

In the last year, I’ve realized that loads of people have flocked to this blog, and not just random strangers. It’s how my friends, family, and frenemies keep up with my life in a way that I really don’t have much control over. In being honest with my face attached to it, I put myself in a position to give pieces of myself away with nothing in return. People can read what they want of me, and abandon the rest. It feels as if this blog has given people the ability to know about parts of me that I will never see of them, even though we call each other friends.

With my chosen major and volunteer avenues, along with being a daughter, sister, friend, and often times, a confidant… I need my outlets to be about me, for me. My blog has become the only “person” that listens to my deepest thoughts, and I can’t have my face attached to that.

So what will this blog become?

To put it bluntly, Lucy from the exterior. A version of Lucy I am okay with my ex, ex-bestfriends, and grandma seeing. I feel like Lucy Loves Life should be about just that, loving life. I will still write some soapbox articles, but I’d really like to focus on myself from the outside. I want to share my life in a light-hearted fashion, as opposed to the deep thoughts I don’t even share with those closest to me. Does that make sense? I hope so.

Anyway,

I want to thank you all for following me up until this point, you have all made this year and this blog more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. I want to thank all of the supporters, but also the shady commenters who feel the need to tell me how “pathetic” I am, because you both made me stronger. I have enjoyed sharing my deep thoughts, but I am also looking forward to zooming out a bit.

This has been amazing.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… no really, I do xx 

Yoga Intentions

Before every yoga practice, the instructor will have the class stop for a moment to meditate on your intention. I normally focus on saying things like, “I am strong,” “I am beautiful,” or some other self motivating mantra to drill into my head as I detach from my worries, and focus on myself.

Usually, I am pretty good at coming up with these on my own, but this week, my instructor gave me my intention without even knowing it. She said,

 “What you can do today, you may not be able to do in a year, what you did last year, you may not be able to do today, and in a year, you may be able to do things that you can’t do today. Yoga teaches you humility, to enjoy the present moment, and just go with the flow.” 

At this time of year, it is hardest for me to accept what I see as failures. It is the time when I evaluate my “what-ifs” and reminisce on something that is no longer, and will never be again.

But today, as I throw on my yoga pants and get ready to head into the studio, I will be reminding myself….

Who and what I am today is something I thought to be impossible a year or two ago, who and what I was with and experiencing a year or two ago will never be the same again, and in the next year or two, these anniversaries may not even cross my mind, as who and what I am, along with who I love and what I want, will be astronomically different than it is today.

I have to humble myself and stop believing it is me that has any control. I need to humble myself and just let go. I am strong, and I am beautiful, but what I sometimes forget is that I worthy of all good things. I need to realize that when one good thing comes to an end, the next good thing follows, and before that even ends, the next best thing is already on it’s way. That’s the way it’s always been, and I need to trust the flow and myself.

Today’s intention: In the present, I am worthy of love and success. Because of that, I cannot miss what was, more than I anticipate what is to come. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and yoga intentions xx 

For “Call Me Caitlyn” Critics  

  

It is actually kind of depressing to watch people fight to the Facebook death, over whether not Caitlyn Jenner is a hero or an abomination for deciding that womanhood makes her happier. As opinionated as I am on the matter, I’m not looking for public humiliation; therefore I’d like to focus on a few things to consider before you become one of the keyboard warriors I am avoiding: 

  1. Technically, everyone is uneducated.

One of the first things I’ve seen people resort to is calling the person they are arguing with “ignorant” or “uneducated.” The truth is, when it comes to gender identity confusion, everyone is ignorant.

It doesn’t matter if you are a psychiatrist, psychologist, or some sort of mental health expert; because even with their countless decades of research, not even they know exactly what causes a person to feel brutally uncomfortable with their gender.

With that in mind, let’s think twice before we go verbally attacking someone’s opinion as you both critique the way a person has chosen to live his or her life.

  1. You can’t prove that it will truly affect your individual life

People have either embraced or detested the idea that Caitlyn is the “new normal”, and both sides will argue for reasons I cannot understand. Even if she gave people the confidence to believe they are normal, this does not mean that there will be some sort of transgender epidemic.

I hate to pull out the “I’m a psych major” card, but let me just say that Caitlyn Jenner coming out as a woman is not going to make you, your kids, your teacher, your yoga instructor, your pastor, you cat, or your hamster a transgender individual. Science has proven time and time again that if you or someone in your surrounding “normal,” questions their gender, you can be assured it’s not Caitlyn’s magazine cover that caused their confusion. Psychological processes are not contagious. Fact.

The reality is, that if Caitlyn does deeply distort the quality of your life, in my non-professional opinion, you may need to seek some sort of help, as it can’t be “normal” for this to be your biggest life crisis.

  1. Transgender is legitimate, whether Caitlyn is or not

So let’s just say that Bruce, now Caitlyn Jenner, has gotten some rockin’ cheek implants and a crackin’ rack for the sake of publicity. Does that really change that this is a real issue for a lot of people, up to including Caitlyn? According to scientists and researchers alike, this whole transgender thing, isn’t typically a cry for attention; actually, mental health specialists have screenings to make sure that it’s not.

So on that note, whether you agree with Caitlyn’s decision or not, why don’t we all take a second to acknowledge that someone out there, that many people have deemed “worthy” of believing they are gender confused, is reading what you have to say. “A real transgender” (whatever that’s supposed to mean) is seeing both the praise and hatred, both generally uneducated, and building or destroying their self-esteem based on that petulant Facebook argument. Female, male, or both… they are human, they have feelings, so let’s act like it, yeah?

  1. Being transgender is not synonymous with mental illness

Being transgender does not make you (insert mental illness), and (insert mental illness) doesn’t make you transgender. However, there is also no proof that people are born with gender confusion. So taking it back to point 1, no one knows what causes it, but I can assure you it’s not the text box definition of a mental illness. 

Okay, now that we got that out of the way, can we all stop misusing mental illness, because it only diminishes the severity of a very real problem.  I will treat someone with severe depression because they feel they belong in a different gender and their family hates them for it, I will treat someone who deals with anxiety because one of their loved ones came out and they don’t know how to deal with it, and I will treat someone that is suicidal because they hate the gender that they are…

But you can bet your bottom, I will never treat someone with “transgender qualities,” because quite frankly, their biggest enemy is the mental demons they battle when processing the very hatred I am discouraging here.

  1. Bruce becoming Caitlyn should make women angry with society, not transgenders.

Oh. My. Days. Don’t even get me started on the ridiculous amount of sexism that has clouded the Internet since she came out!

Why didn’t Caitlyn Jenner become a “real” woman until she got breasts and a makeup artist? Bruce came out months ago, but as soon as he got breasts, he actually became a woman and now the media feels the need to put her in the same stereotypical box they’ve put the rest of us in. I think that’s the real problem.

Bruce Jenner, a legendary Olympic athlete, with a dazzling athletic and business career. Caitlyn Jenner? A pair of boobs, a new woman in Hollywood to critique from head to toe, and no more talks of a dazzling career. No, now she’s a woman on the exterior, so we accept body shaming, name-calling and boiling her down to some twisted sex object… and that’s the people who “support” her. BRILLIANT.

  1. Tolerance goes both ways

Though you may be getting a feel for where I stand on this issue, I would like to remind both parties of a little thing called tolerance. “A fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinion, beliefs, practices, or ethnicity, etc., differ from one’s own.”

Live and let live, and stop being so hateful when someone doesn’t agree with how you live. You think transgender is wrong? Awesome, but don’t get hateful when someone feels it is to be embraced. You think transgender should be accepted? Also awesome, but don’t get hateful when someone believes you are ruining society. Both are opinions, both should be respected.

  1. One man’s “filth” is another man’s hero

  

  
I see a lot of people outraged by the attention Caitlyn Jenner has gotten, and to an extent, I get it. However, bashing his bravery to compare it to an “American hero” is also crazy.

For nearly a decade people touted Lance Armstrong as the all American hero. A few years later, we all found out he was a conniving, drug addict, who took the moral low ground to all of his heroic conquest. A hero became filth in one Oprah Interview.

With that in mind, remember that what you may see as trash, may have given someone hope. No, she doesn’t have cancer, and no she wasn’t a veteran, and yes, those people can be seen as heroes; but maybe to the kid who is contemplating suicide because he can’t escape his gender confusion, she is a hero.

Maybe the first, semi-accepted sex change will give someone hope for life outside of that misery. No one is the perfect hero, so why bash someone who may be offering hope to those who struggle, as society tries to sort through something we know so little about?
There is never a reason to tear down another human being, not Caitlyn Jenner, and not the people that have an opinion. He became a she, and quite frankly, being hateful keyboard warriors is not going to change that. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but do yourself and everyone involved a huge favor; truly educate yourself and see the gray areas. 

Not only will this help you in the long run, it will also keep you from being caught up in a stream of hateful conversations that serve no benefit to you or your cause. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and those I disagree with xx 

Memory Lane

I took a stroll down memory lane (old tweets) to show my little sister a hilarious drunk tweet from a party I went to in the summer of 2013. I acknowledged what a wonderful role model I am, found the tweet, we laughed, and life was good…but I also found an unexpected moment of nostalgia.

I was reminded that the summer of 2013 was of one of the most beautiful/special times in my life. This was the case for many reasons (new friends, parties, traveling…), but the most obvious reason, was him. I was madly in love, I believed I had found my soul mate (barf), and every day was my own little fairy tale.

It was very bittersweet to see just how in love I was.

I have gotten to a place in life where I’m not even sure if love like that is real; but that summer, I believed it with all of my heart, and I miss those times. Not so much the love, but the belief that fairy tales happen. I miss a time when love and relationships weren’t just some formula of personality and attachment theory (psych problems) turned into lifetime partnership.

I see love in a very pragmatic, often skeptical way. Looking at our love with my knowledge of people kind of made it easier to lose and move on from it. When I got into dissecting our personalities, I realized we don’t have the right formula, it all makes sense, and life goes on.

But last night, that’s not what I saw. My 2013 Twitter feed wasn’t full of a girl looking to dissect anything… It was full of a girl that was counting down the days until her love came home from France, reminiscing on the beginning of their first trip together as the best day of her life, and dreading the idea of going back to her house, because her home and her happiness became wherever he was. It flooded my mind with the memories, both significant and mundane, but all wonderful.

I see so much beauty in people that fall into the right formula, and experience the phenomena of love. With as many odds as there are, love that ticks every box manages to happen every day, and I have to appreciate that.

For myself, it seems dismal. The more I learn about how people operate, the scarier it is to trust someone with my heart without a full psychological evaluation and a thorough diagnostic of our compatibility (only slightly joking here).

But this morning, I woke up with a new perspective.

I know how many different ways it can go wrong, I know how hard it is for people to truly live happily ever after, and I have read all of the case studies that break romance down to a science… but I want someone to come along and make me believe in fairy tales again. I don’t want case studies, I want magic. I want a love that makes no sense to me, a love I can’t dissect. I want the part of love that science has yet to figure out because it’s so irrational and so against the formula, and somehow it manages to work. I want my beautiful.

I want to believe in more than just the idea of it… I want to know it’s real.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and drunk tweets xx