New Blog: The Big Model

Hey guys! Long time now speak, for the best reason ever!

I’ve kind of stepped back to give myself the time and creative renewal to put together a blog that I have been dreaming of since beginning this blog.

My new blog is all about fashion, health, and body positivity; I couldn’t be more proud of it.

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thebigmodel.com is now live and I hope you guys will pay a visit and enjoy it as much as I’ve enjoyed putting it together!

All I Can See is Panic

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I feel like I’ve spent the last couple of weeks crying for no apparent reason. I can’t pinpoint whether it’s the stress from school, financial stress, or family drama…all I know is that I’ve spent an unbelievable amount of time crying lately. It feels like I am always upset and all it takes to make me bawl my eyes out is someone looking at me the wrong way. I am constantly in a state of anxiety, and I don’t know how to fix it.

I haven’t blogged in a while because I have nothing positive to say, and how the hell can you write about being miserable when you end everything with “Lucy Loves Life.” Lucy doesn’t love life right now, and the shitty part is, I don’t know why.

I don’t have a grade below a 95, as a matter of fact, I have a 99.4 in the biology class I thought was going to kill me, so needless to say school is going well. Yet all I can see is the incredible amount of work still left to put in to maintain that, to carry on with my dream school, to pay for it…

I signed a modeling contract and everything is on track there, and yet all I can do is worry about whether I am really what they want and if I’ll get any work over here.

I am making big girl moves like moving out and big purchases, and even though it should be exciting and I have loads of back up plans, I am terrified of falling on my face and not being able to handle life on my own.

I have a few job opportunities and instead of seeing what could be, I see what isn’t and let it panic me.

Even two weeks spent with my aunt in a lovely beach house is cause for stress and panic over what I wont be getting done at that time.

Life is technically fine, but all I can see and feel is panic. Life is technically way better than fine, and trust me people don’t fail to tell me how crazy they think my stress is. I know, “poor me, I have a 4.0, a modeling contract, and a two-week vacation in Miami coming up, life is hard.” I realize how people can see that, and it makes me feel even worse for having this feeling of impending doom. But it’s there… I can’t fight it… But I am trying, desperately trying.

Happy Dork with a Love of Clothes

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School, love life, work, it’s all going well… but something really amazing has happened in the last couple of weeks. For those of you that don’t know, I initially got into modeling because college is expensive, and there has to be some benefit to being a 5’10” amazon. Anyway, somewhere between my honors coordinator telling me she saw me as a fashion badass and not a doctor, and watching The Intern (A must-see), a fire sparked…I’ve had a dream come back to life, that I hadn’t even realized had died.
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I love modeling, I love clothes, I have a dream of turning that into a business, a big one. As a plus-sized model in such a time as this, there is so much potential for me to make a difference in the lives of girls and women alike,  and at the end of the day, that’s what I love. This isn’t just a job to pay for college anymore, it’s a dream, it’s what I love, it’s a goal that 95 year old Lucy would always regret neglecting. To not just be pretty, but to be an empire… It’s huge, and it’s scary, but even if I only get half way there, it’s where my happiness is and I can’t ever abandon that.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and it is loving me right back xx 

P.S.

I’m still pursuing med school, because I am also that dorky kid that adores school…but for right now, I can balance epigenetic research and photoshoots, making for a very happy dork with a love of clothes.

Frappuccino Therapy

I have a million drafts full of thoughtful things to write about…but lately, I dont have the time or energy to write about anything that takes anymore focus than I already have to give this semester. Turns out, being a science major, working on two honors projects, and being in charge of a community outreach is not a game.

I felt really defeated last week, and even today. I feel like work closed in on me, and this week I get to dig myself out of it. I am thankful for my successes and all things considered I am doing really well, but that comes at a price, and it’s usually a $5 frappuccino.

Some day soon I’ll write something of substance, but for now, I am going to pretend I’m listening in art while actually working on an annotated bibliography.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and the idea of exploding and gaining 50 pounds in medical school xx 

Bit Off More

I’m not sure if it’s the coffee or anxiety that is causing these heart palpitations, but I think I need a break from this ride. 13 credit hours, a major research based service project, a honors contract research program in biology, scholarship applications, a family, a significant other, a modeling career, other jobs to worry about, and the need for perfection (or pretty damn close) is all proving to be way too much right now.

I feel like I’m drowning, and I can’t help but think I’m doing this all wrong because there is no way it is this difficult for everyone. I will get it done…rationally I know that…but today all I can feel is mild grade panic.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…yes, even on days like this xx 

Glass Wall

“It’s like watching you through a glass wall. From the outside your back is turned towards me and you’re drawing unicorns and cupcakes and telling me how happy you are while there are tears running down your face. Even when I know your feelings are far from cupcakes and unicorns, you will never admit that you were crying and I’m not sure what I can do to let you know I’m safe.”

  • I need to learn to make mistakes
  • I need to let those that love me see who I am
  • I need to stop being afraid
  • I need an actual cupcake
  • And maybe a unicorn
  • I need to be okay with being me

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and learning to be vulnerable xx 

The Greatest Time of Year

There’s nothing like the end of the summer to remind me that in a week I am officially a

  • Student
  • Friend
  • Partner
  • Vice President of Scholarship
  • Aspiring candiate for Regional Vice President
  • Ivy League Applicant
  • If-all-goes-well Columbia transfer
  • Aspiring model
  • Dedicated Paleo-er, and worker-outer (because, refer to the previous bullet point)
  • Employee
  • Slightly insane individual

That all sounds way more exciting and impressive than it actually is (or feels), but it still scares me. It doesn’t really make sense because I am many of those things now; but there is something about the beginning of the school year that reminds me of the potential to fail. It seems the harder I work, the more I have to work hard, and Monday is going to take me to the next level, as my responsibilities and goals are  bigger than they’ve ever been (totally natural, still scary).

The days are passing, and I can’t decide if I am terrified or excited…

But for now, my excitement is larger than the feeling that I am about to sh*t myself…so I think we’re good.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and mini freakouts xx

Soul Searching

The last couple of days have reminded me of why I love psychology enough to spend the next ten years studying it. Being able to see just how resilient and powerful the mind is in ways we can’t always see is inspiring.


The mind holds on to thoughts that appear as they choose, yet those thoughts are still a part of us.


I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and it could just be the sugar withdraws speaking, but it has been turbulent. I’ve been faced with a lot of my fears that I thought I was far beyond, and answers I wasn’t even looking for. Thoughts that have always been my own are just now appearing to me, and dealing with them can be tough. I have had to face my fears of being hurt in ways I never would’ve imagined I could fear pain. I have had answers on how I choose who I choose years after we split, and been able to redirect my need for that dysfunction.

I am growing. Between being a constant over thinker and obsessed with psychology, I am always thinking and tweaking my life. I feel fortunate to have the ability to analyze my life and see where I went wrong. Most people don’t see what I have until it’s just too late and they’re married to someone who is all wrong for their true selves, and maybe even slightly miserable. So I’m glad I’m only twenty, and I’m glad it’s only taken one true heartbreak to get me to the core of figuring out what and who makes me tick or crumble.

I’m sorry this is all so vague, I have an anonymous blog for the gory details; but I figured I have let you all come a long for this ride called my life through all of my ups and downs for a year, I might as well make you aware of this moment of crazy. I am evolving, and as flowery as that sounds, it is a very emotionally confusing time, and I am just taking the thoughts as they come.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and cliché amounts of soul searching xx

Medical School, Exs, and 61 Thoughts

I feel weird, and because I feel weird, I have been unable to blog. I have written nearly five entries in the last two weeks, but they’re either too honest for this blog, or too scatterbrained, so they just get saved as I move on. I haven’t even been writing in my journal, because my thoughts are just that random. The only problem is, I hate not writing, and it’s driving me mad…so I’m resorting to bullet points. Yup, bullet points of all my random thoughts;

Morning:

  1. I want to be a psychiatrist
  2. I miss school because I hate working 9-5
  3. I miss yoga and having free time
  4. At least this busy-ness is practice for medical school
  5. Sh*t, medical school
  6. I’m going to be in school until I’m in my 30’s
  7. What school do I want to go to for medicine? Wait, I haven’t even gone into my last two years of undergrad, calm down.
  8. How will I have a life? I’m going to be a REALLY old mom.
  9. Could I have a husband and children while doing my residency?
  10. No.
  11. Maybe.
  12. It’s a good thing Mr. Old and I broke up.
  13. He could never be married to a medical student.
  14. Have I eaten today?
  15. No, I’m not in the mood for fish.
  16. But yeah, the Lucy that loved Mr. Old would not be VP of scholarship, running for international VP, heading to Columbia, or even thinking about practicing psychiatry.
  17. Or modeling
  18. I ate way too much when we we’re together
  19. Why don’t we have a Byron in America?
  20. Dude, I should work out.

Afternoon:

  1. Lol, jk, I’m at work.
  2. I have to go to that open call before school starts
  3. You are pretty enough
  4. Go eat some broccoli
  5. I really love the Whole30
  6. Mainly because it makes me feel good
  7. I love how easy life is with Mr. New
  8. He would rub my feet after a long day of school.
  9. He inspires my greatness.
  10. You should marry a guy like that, right?
  11. What if medical school ruins my love life.
  12. Oh well, I’ll hug my patients.
  13. Let’s see how they did it on Grey’s Anatomy
  14. Wait, I have a meeting to go to
  15. I’m going to be late…to.my.own.meeting.
  16. But first, I need that pink toothbrush.
  17. It’ll take five minutes.
  18. I’m the worst leader ever.
  19. Just kidding, that plan is brilliant.
  20. And so are my teeth.
  21. They’re all excited to manage my campaign, score.
  22. Let’s go see Mr. New, I need food.
  23. I need to play Beyonce all the way to his place, because that meeting has me feeling like a “Diva.”
  24. Imma, a diva.

Evening

  1. He made dinner.
  2. He could totally love me through medical school.
  3. Oh wait, there is no kale. He’s trying to make me fat.
  4. Could we spend our lives together? I mean, he forgot the kale…but not the potatoes?!
  5. Doesn’t he know models and potatoes don’t mix?
  6. I told him to add the potatoes in the recipe, my bad.
  7. He just opened a can of “let’s talk about the future.”
  8. Geezus. .
  9. I can’t commit to you. I’ve made plans to follow and be followed with someone before.
  10. They stopped following and if we weren’t worth the struggle, no relationship is… don’t you get it?
  11. Relationships should be easy. We are easy now.
  12. What if we’re not easy when I’m pulling all nighters or in a different city?
  13. Am I thinking out of fear?
  14. Stop it, Lucy.
  15. You two work, his plans match your plans; sure, he forgets the kale, but hey, what’s a lack of nutrients amongst love?
  16. Oh, this foot rub doe.
  17. Life may get hectic, but that’s the beauty of it.

So, there you have it, 61 random thoughts I had yesterday. Thank you for reading through my scatterbrained mess, as I couldn’t manage to turn that all into an inspirational tale of ex-boyfriend thoughts and hypothetical medical school meltdowns.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and foot rubs xx 

July 17th and Regrets

July 17th, 2013 is a day that holds a lot of good memories for me. At the time it was very conflicting, because that day I was caught between who I had and who I wanted. The days following it, I made the “right” decision and held on to what I had, which for the longest time felt wrong… especially when “right” fell apart. For nearly a year, this day marked a sort of regret as I watched the little moments in that day become memories I thought I would never have again. They say you should have no regrets because your experiences all have purpose, but it took a while to find the purpose in what felt like an opportunity wasted.


Two years later, I look back and smile because I can see it now. I can see how tough decisions, heartbreak, and a bit of confusion led to something wonderful. Those moments happened again, they continue to happen, and they’re so special that it’s easy to forget the turmoil in between. I no longer see the conflict, but instead the overwhelming amount of good that came to be.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life…and the 17th of July.