New Blog: The Big Model

Hey guys! Long time now speak, for the best reason ever!

I’ve kind of stepped back to give myself the time and creative renewal to put together a blog that I have been dreaming of since beginning this blog.

My new blog is all about fashion, health, and body positivity; I couldn’t be more proud of it.

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thebigmodel.com is now live and I hope you guys will pay a visit and enjoy it as much as I’ve enjoyed putting it together!

Healthy and Skinny Are Not Synonymous

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A few months ago, I decided to stop fighting my body. As a woman that is 5’10”, a size 12/14, with a large body composition (yes, I really am big boned, seriously, buying bracelets requires elastic), I was very insecure with my size in many respects, and for years I could hear the guy I had a crush on in 8th grade asking me if I was a man. When you think of femininity and grace, most people wouldn’t think of a super tall chick with curves for weeks and a big (not necessarily fat) body. I really didn’t feel sexy, I honestly just felt like Khloe Kardashian in her chubby days; towering over everyone and struggling to be the “hot sister.”

Naturally, my first resort to sort out this problem was trying to get skinny. I totally cleaned up my diet an eliminated all added sugar, wheat, gluten, dairy, soy, and legumes. I bumped up my workout schedule, and guess what? Nothing happened. Well, nothing weight related. I did lose a few pounds, my skin cleared up, my mind was sharper, and I really did feel amazing, but that scale didn’t budge more than seven pounds, regardless of what I ate, for nearly six months. So then I began the fight with not only eating extremely clean, but also calorie counting. I guess this is a good time to tell you I was on the verge of a Britney Spears circa 2007 style meltdown all the time. I cut my calories from about 1500-1800 calories to about 1200 calories, and every week that I stepped on the scale or measured myself to find out nothing had changed, my family knew to hide the umbrellas in preparation.

I really did fight with my body for a long time, and then one day it hit me.

I am perfectly healthy. I eat better than I ever have, I exercise, and I keep my mind sharp and active…so what the hell is there to freak out about? A number? Someone to tell me I look like a woman?  I am running optimally, and this is what my body looks like. Even on a liquid diet, the smallest I’ll ever be is a size 8, maybe 10, tough shit. I could either embrace that or continue to lose my fight against how I am built.

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The decision to embrace my body changed my life. I decided to take my height, my curves, and all of my bigger than life-ness, and put it to work. As it turns out, there are people out there willing to pay me a lot of money for the things I spent nearly a year fighting. Case in point, I have wanted to model for years, but I always held off  until I was just a little bit smaller. After embracing myself, I walked into an agency and gave myself a chance. Initially, I lied and said I was a size 10, and my agent said “oh that’s a real shame. You are exactly what we are looking for. You’re tall, curvy, and toned… but you’re too small.”

I decided to cut that crap and told her to measure me. Long story short, I bypassed the 2-3 week waiting time necessary to deliberate whether they sign a model, and walked out that day with a contract.

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I took a chance on myself, I became the healthiest version of myself, and I stopped letting my insecurities cripple me. My relationship with food has changed as I dont live in a constant state of deprivation for the sake of being skinny. My relationship with exercise has changed because it is no longer something I do expecting to see some drastic change in my weight.I eat well to have nice skin, to feel good, to sleep well, and to think clearly. I indulge selectively, but carry no guilt afterwards because having one flan while on vacation in Florida (A MUST) might cause a small weight fluctuation (which used to panic me), but it will not undo everything I ate to build my health before then.

The reality is, my life has changed now that I live to be healthy and not skinny, because despite what society says, the two are not synonymous. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and being the hot sister xx 

 

 

 

All I Can See is Panic

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I feel like I’ve spent the last couple of weeks crying for no apparent reason. I can’t pinpoint whether it’s the stress from school, financial stress, or family drama…all I know is that I’ve spent an unbelievable amount of time crying lately. It feels like I am always upset and all it takes to make me bawl my eyes out is someone looking at me the wrong way. I am constantly in a state of anxiety, and I don’t know how to fix it.

I haven’t blogged in a while because I have nothing positive to say, and how the hell can you write about being miserable when you end everything with “Lucy Loves Life.” Lucy doesn’t love life right now, and the shitty part is, I don’t know why.

I don’t have a grade below a 95, as a matter of fact, I have a 99.4 in the biology class I thought was going to kill me, so needless to say school is going well. Yet all I can see is the incredible amount of work still left to put in to maintain that, to carry on with my dream school, to pay for it…

I signed a modeling contract and everything is on track there, and yet all I can do is worry about whether I am really what they want and if I’ll get any work over here.

I am making big girl moves like moving out and big purchases, and even though it should be exciting and I have loads of back up plans, I am terrified of falling on my face and not being able to handle life on my own.

I have a few job opportunities and instead of seeing what could be, I see what isn’t and let it panic me.

Even two weeks spent with my aunt in a lovely beach house is cause for stress and panic over what I wont be getting done at that time.

Life is technically fine, but all I can see and feel is panic. Life is technically way better than fine, and trust me people don’t fail to tell me how crazy they think my stress is. I know, “poor me, I have a 4.0, a modeling contract, and a two-week vacation in Miami coming up, life is hard.” I realize how people can see that, and it makes me feel even worse for having this feeling of impending doom. But it’s there… I can’t fight it… But I am trying, desperately trying.

Let’s Be “Real” Women

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It drives me mad to see “real women have curves, skinny women look like little boys,” or “when I see my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and she’s a troll, I laugh,” or really any saying that makes a woman feel the need to put another woman down to feel better about what she eats (or doesn’t), her genetics, and/or how well she conforms to beauty standards.

We should be better than that.

We should understand that people are made differently. Some women were born to eat lots of cake and still be tall and skinny, and some were made to be a little plumper while munching on celery, and that’s okay.

We should understand that no man is worth tearing down a fellow woman’s appearance or even character. We should be good enough to understand we are more than our fat percentage and how that makes men perceive us. We should understand that if you were with a man that is shallow enough to stay with you because you’re the “hottest” he’ll ever have, you are a fool, and so is he.

We should be good enough to compete for more than our hip to waist ratio, but for real accomplishments that require a mind, a soul, and a heart. We should be good enough to understand that we have a point to prove and using our brains to come up with clever ways to jab our fellow woman is 5 steps back. We should be good enough to expect to be loved for our intelligence, for our humor, and for our integrity…

We should be good enough.

I know we live in a society that tells us beauty is this monumental thing. I have been guilty of comparing myself to an ex-boyfriend’s current fling based on how much more attractive I am than her, instead of who we are as people and what we’ve accomplished in life. I have felt the sting of being an honors student and thinking “but am I pretty?”

I’m definitely not above that, I have fallen into it many times, but I pull myself back out, because I want to be good enough. As women, we are kind of wired to correlate beauty with success and love, but I have to be better than that, and I have come to expect that from anyone I give my time to; because that’s what “real women” are, not a size 0 or 12.  

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life…and women that know better xx

Happy Dork with a Love of Clothes

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School, love life, work, it’s all going well… but something really amazing has happened in the last couple of weeks. For those of you that don’t know, I initially got into modeling because college is expensive, and there has to be some benefit to being a 5’10” amazon. Anyway, somewhere between my honors coordinator telling me she saw me as a fashion badass and not a doctor, and watching The Intern (A must-see), a fire sparked…I’ve had a dream come back to life, that I hadn’t even realized had died.
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I love modeling, I love clothes, I have a dream of turning that into a business, a big one. As a plus-sized model in such a time as this, there is so much potential for me to make a difference in the lives of girls and women alike,  and at the end of the day, that’s what I love. This isn’t just a job to pay for college anymore, it’s a dream, it’s what I love, it’s a goal that 95 year old Lucy would always regret neglecting. To not just be pretty, but to be an empire… It’s huge, and it’s scary, but even if I only get half way there, it’s where my happiness is and I can’t ever abandon that.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and it is loving me right back xx 

P.S.

I’m still pursuing med school, because I am also that dorky kid that adores school…but for right now, I can balance epigenetic research and photoshoots, making for a very happy dork with a love of clothes.

Medical School, Exs, and 61 Thoughts

I feel weird, and because I feel weird, I have been unable to blog. I have written nearly five entries in the last two weeks, but they’re either too honest for this blog, or too scatterbrained, so they just get saved as I move on. I haven’t even been writing in my journal, because my thoughts are just that random. The only problem is, I hate not writing, and it’s driving me mad…so I’m resorting to bullet points. Yup, bullet points of all my random thoughts;

Morning:

  1. I want to be a psychiatrist
  2. I miss school because I hate working 9-5
  3. I miss yoga and having free time
  4. At least this busy-ness is practice for medical school
  5. Sh*t, medical school
  6. I’m going to be in school until I’m in my 30’s
  7. What school do I want to go to for medicine? Wait, I haven’t even gone into my last two years of undergrad, calm down.
  8. How will I have a life? I’m going to be a REALLY old mom.
  9. Could I have a husband and children while doing my residency?
  10. No.
  11. Maybe.
  12. It’s a good thing Mr. Old and I broke up.
  13. He could never be married to a medical student.
  14. Have I eaten today?
  15. No, I’m not in the mood for fish.
  16. But yeah, the Lucy that loved Mr. Old would not be VP of scholarship, running for international VP, heading to Columbia, or even thinking about practicing psychiatry.
  17. Or modeling
  18. I ate way too much when we we’re together
  19. Why don’t we have a Byron in America?
  20. Dude, I should work out.

Afternoon:

  1. Lol, jk, I’m at work.
  2. I have to go to that open call before school starts
  3. You are pretty enough
  4. Go eat some broccoli
  5. I really love the Whole30
  6. Mainly because it makes me feel good
  7. I love how easy life is with Mr. New
  8. He would rub my feet after a long day of school.
  9. He inspires my greatness.
  10. You should marry a guy like that, right?
  11. What if medical school ruins my love life.
  12. Oh well, I’ll hug my patients.
  13. Let’s see how they did it on Grey’s Anatomy
  14. Wait, I have a meeting to go to
  15. I’m going to be late…to.my.own.meeting.
  16. But first, I need that pink toothbrush.
  17. It’ll take five minutes.
  18. I’m the worst leader ever.
  19. Just kidding, that plan is brilliant.
  20. And so are my teeth.
  21. They’re all excited to manage my campaign, score.
  22. Let’s go see Mr. New, I need food.
  23. I need to play Beyonce all the way to his place, because that meeting has me feeling like a “Diva.”
  24. Imma, a diva.

Evening

  1. He made dinner.
  2. He could totally love me through medical school.
  3. Oh wait, there is no kale. He’s trying to make me fat.
  4. Could we spend our lives together? I mean, he forgot the kale…but not the potatoes?!
  5. Doesn’t he know models and potatoes don’t mix?
  6. I told him to add the potatoes in the recipe, my bad.
  7. He just opened a can of “let’s talk about the future.”
  8. Geezus. .
  9. I can’t commit to you. I’ve made plans to follow and be followed with someone before.
  10. They stopped following and if we weren’t worth the struggle, no relationship is… don’t you get it?
  11. Relationships should be easy. We are easy now.
  12. What if we’re not easy when I’m pulling all nighters or in a different city?
  13. Am I thinking out of fear?
  14. Stop it, Lucy.
  15. You two work, his plans match your plans; sure, he forgets the kale, but hey, what’s a lack of nutrients amongst love?
  16. Oh, this foot rub doe.
  17. Life may get hectic, but that’s the beauty of it.

So, there you have it, 61 random thoughts I had yesterday. Thank you for reading through my scatterbrained mess, as I couldn’t manage to turn that all into an inspirational tale of ex-boyfriend thoughts and hypothetical medical school meltdowns.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and foot rubs xx 

Make Me Better But Never Perfect

Tonight’s Yoga Intention:


You are beautiful.

I have been on the Whole30 for two months (approaching the end of my second round), I work out five times a week, I practice hot yoga at least twice a week, and practice for 20/30 minutes after exercising on non-studio days… I feel healthy inside and out, and yet, sometimes I’m insecure. Sometimes I don’t want healthy, I want perfect, and I am beginning to see that the two will never meet.

Most days I can see my 5’11″ self, with my tiny waist, long legs, and wildly curly hair; and I appreciate the beauty in that, and how fortunate I am to be made the way I am. But as photo-shoots approach and scales/measurement don’t move, all I can see is the extra fat on my long legs, the extra tummy on my tiny waist, and the fact that I am not, and have never been exactly where I want to be as far as my body is concerned.

Unfortunately, today is one of those “you’re not pretty enough, postpone the photo-shoot” kind of days.
So tonight, when I’m exhaling my stress, I will focus on what makes me beautiful. I will focus on my heart, my mind, and my body, in attempts to understand that they work together to make me better, not perfect.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and getting ready for the camera xx

Sun-Kissed Face and Wild Hair

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”
Steve Maraboli

I usually hide behind the comforts of makeup, I know what to wear to accentuate what I like and hide what I don’t, and I usually go through desperate measures to tame my wild (and I mean WILD) curls; but not yesterday.

Yesterday, I felt really beautiful. I was wearing a bathing suit for part of the day and yoga clothes for the other, with my hair fresh out of the pool in all of its wildness, and nothing but a bit of sun-kissed color on my face.  It was all very simple and extremely low maintenance, and yet, it’s the prettiest I’ve felt in a while.

Realistically, I spend a lot of time dressed up, with make up on fleek (whatever that means), and everything from my hair to my shoes need to be perfect; but yesterday, I felt unapologetically myself, with no need to hide, and it’s been a while since I felt so beautiful.

Yesterday, I was carefree, happy, and completely unafraid of being exactly who I am. There is no better feeling in the world than believing I am enough, flaws and all, and feeling as if I am beautiful without “help.”

Why was it so freeing? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just a beach bum disguised in a pencil skirt, and I should consider moving to an island somewhere…

Or maybe it’s time to realizing that hiding behind things that make me feel beautiful, actually do the opposite, and I should take it as a lesson to accept who I am and stop apologizing for what I’m not…

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and the word “fleek” xx 

Whole 30: Week 1 and Already A Junkie

I have officially completed week one on the Whole 30.

I’m not going to lie, I have pretty much loved every second, even the difficult ones. Why, you may ask?

  1. I have kind of fallen in love with cooking, it is my new happy place
  2. I no longer obsess over what I’m going to eat
  3. I eat because I’m hungry, not because it’s “time” or any other stupid reason
  4. I don’t obsess over working out
  5. I don’t feel deprived

So, first of all…I really have fallen in love with cooking. After a long day, I really look forward to finding a new recipe and giving it a go. The Whole 30’s new way of eating opens up a whole new way of cooking and eating, and I’m not going to lie, I’ve been geeking out over it this week. My favourite recipe? BOOM. I am literally obsessed, try it.

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So I know I said I’m obsessed with that dish (and I could totes eat it every night); but I don’t actually obsess over what I eat. Because I know everything I eat under the guidelines is a step in the healthy direction, I have no stress. I don’t worry about how many times a day I am going to eat, I don’t measure anything, I don’t eat because it’s time, or stop eating because there is an allotted portion. I eat when I’m hungry, I eat until I am no longer hungry, and food doesn’t control my life.

Neither does working out. I stay active, I wear a fit bit to track my activity to make sure I am moving enough, and I make sure I keep that activity by doing things I enjoy. Do I workout? Of course, that is part of staying healthy; but I don’t obsess over it anymore; I don’t put myself down if I could only fit in cardio but no weights or vice versa, and I will turn down a hard core gym session to go for a bike ride with my little brother.

Last but not least, I don’t feel deprived, not even a little bit. As a girl who’s house is filled with bread, wine, and dessert every Friday night, I know all about temptation.  I was actually really worried about this weekend, but I happy to report that I wasn’t at all tempted; on the contrary, I took a sip of grape juice and felt like someone had punched me. It was so sweet that all things dessert/sweet/diabetes inducing became terribly unattractive after that. I was glad to trade the apple pie for some mango, and all was good with the world.

So the the fun part; Results

Not only have I found my independence from the ball and chain that is health and fitness, I also lost 3.5 pounds. I know that you’re not supposed to weigh yourself, but it does help me stay motivated (or show me where to make some improvements), and that’s exactly what it did this week.

Granted, I’m sure some of that is water weight from the significant drop in bloating (because dear lort my body loves to hold on to water), but that is kind of amazing. I dont slave over food, I dont slave over workouts; I live happily and carefree and I still lost 3.5 pounds. Amazeballs.

How are you guys doing? Let me know!

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and coconut “rice” xx