All I Can See is Panic

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I feel like I’ve spent the last couple of weeks crying for no apparent reason. I can’t pinpoint whether it’s the stress from school, financial stress, or family drama…all I know is that I’ve spent an unbelievable amount of time crying lately. It feels like I am always upset and all it takes to make me bawl my eyes out is someone looking at me the wrong way. I am constantly in a state of anxiety, and I don’t know how to fix it.

I haven’t blogged in a while because I have nothing positive to say, and how the hell can you write about being miserable when you end everything with “Lucy Loves Life.” Lucy doesn’t love life right now, and the shitty part is, I don’t know why.

I don’t have a grade below a 95, as a matter of fact, I have a 99.4 in the biology class I thought was going to kill me, so needless to say school is going well. Yet all I can see is the incredible amount of work still left to put in to maintain that, to carry on with my dream school, to pay for it…

I signed a modeling contract and everything is on track there, and yet all I can do is worry about whether I am really what they want and if I’ll get any work over here.

I am making big girl moves like moving out and big purchases, and even though it should be exciting and I have loads of back up plans, I am terrified of falling on my face and not being able to handle life on my own.

I have a few job opportunities and instead of seeing what could be, I see what isn’t and let it panic me.

Even two weeks spent with my aunt in a lovely beach house is cause for stress and panic over what I wont be getting done at that time.

Life is technically fine, but all I can see and feel is panic. Life is technically way better than fine, and trust me people don’t fail to tell me how crazy they think my stress is. I know, “poor me, I have a 4.0, a modeling contract, and a two-week vacation in Miami coming up, life is hard.” I realize how people can see that, and it makes me feel even worse for having this feeling of impending doom. But it’s there… I can’t fight it… But I am trying, desperately trying.

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Frappuccino Therapy

I have a million drafts full of thoughtful things to write about…but lately, I dont have the time or energy to write about anything that takes anymore focus than I already have to give this semester. Turns out, being a science major, working on two honors projects, and being in charge of a community outreach is not a game.

I felt really defeated last week, and even today. I feel like work closed in on me, and this week I get to dig myself out of it. I am thankful for my successes and all things considered I am doing really well, but that comes at a price, and it’s usually a $5 frappuccino.

Some day soon I’ll write something of substance, but for now, I am going to pretend I’m listening in art while actually working on an annotated bibliography.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and the idea of exploding and gaining 50 pounds in medical school xx 

Bit Off More

I’m not sure if it’s the coffee or anxiety that is causing these heart palpitations, but I think I need a break from this ride. 13 credit hours, a major research based service project, a honors contract research program in biology, scholarship applications, a family, a significant other, a modeling career, other jobs to worry about, and the need for perfection (or pretty damn close) is all proving to be way too much right now.

I feel like I’m drowning, and I can’t help but think I’m doing this all wrong because there is no way it is this difficult for everyone. I will get it done…rationally I know that…but today all I can feel is mild grade panic.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…yes, even on days like this xx 

The Greatest Time of Year

There’s nothing like the end of the summer to remind me that in a week I am officially a

  • Student
  • Friend
  • Partner
  • Vice President of Scholarship
  • Aspiring candiate for Regional Vice President
  • Ivy League Applicant
  • If-all-goes-well Columbia transfer
  • Aspiring model
  • Dedicated Paleo-er, and worker-outer (because, refer to the previous bullet point)
  • Employee
  • Slightly insane individual

That all sounds way more exciting and impressive than it actually is (or feels), but it still scares me. It doesn’t really make sense because I am many of those things now; but there is something about the beginning of the school year that reminds me of the potential to fail. It seems the harder I work, the more I have to work hard, and Monday is going to take me to the next level, as my responsibilities and goals are  bigger than they’ve ever been (totally natural, still scary).

The days are passing, and I can’t decide if I am terrified or excited…

But for now, my excitement is larger than the feeling that I am about to sh*t myself…so I think we’re good.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and mini freakouts xx

The Biggest Adventure and 95 Year Old Lucy Approves

So, I’ve done something bold…

I booked myself a weekend trip to New York. 204437_207397269292755_5280150_o

I have done loads of traveling, and even been to New York,  but this is the first time I have planned a trip, paid for it, and plan to execute said plans completely on my own. On top of that, I planned this trip to happen towards the end of the semester and in the middle of moving houses. Have I completely lost it? Yeah, probably…but I need this.

Remember that post where I was boo-hooing at the state of my stagnant, dull life and reminiscing on what used to be? Remember how I said I needed a solution? Well, this is it.

For the last year-ish, I have worried more about surviving than thriving. To an extent, I had to. I started college and with that comes loads of responsibility and the need to find security and well being. But somewhere in the last year-ish, I lost the balance. I let myself become so consumed with “what-if’s” and big girl dilemmas, that I let myself forget that I am 20 and will never be this carefree again. 

I have spent so long worrying about tuition, credit card bills, and how many material things I could buy, that I have forgotten what is most important; living my life and not letting it live me. 

So, this trip is slightly terrifying. It’s expensive, it’s totally new, and it’s right in the middle of all of my grown up responsibilities; but there is so much more to life than that. When I am on my death bed some day, I won’t look back and care that I never maxed out my credit card, I won’t remember that one assignment I didn’t have time for (don’t worry, there will be extra credit lol), and I won’t remember those random material things…

But I am pretty sure I will always remember the first time I threw myself in the middle of New York City by myself, for myself. I will remember the laughs shared with the few friends I have there, and the experience of navigating that big, beautiful city on my own.

So my credit card may get a little stretched, I may not leave my room perfectly unpacked, and I may very well have to do A LOT of extra-credit. Thats okay, because at the end of the day, 95 year old Lucy approves, and that’s all that matters.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and Big Apple adventures xx  

20 and I No Longer Have Patience

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“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me.

 I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism, and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me, and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided no to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty, and cheap praise.

I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities.

In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how yo give a compliment or word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me. And on top of everything, I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”

– Meryl Streep

As I grow into my own person and realize both the blessing and responsibilities that come with your 20’s, I’ve come to live by these words. Everything I do matters now more than it ever has, including who I give my patience to. In a way, it has become the root of who I am.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life, and Meryl Streep xx

Everything and Nothing

I am at the place where I feel like I know everything and nothing.

I have figured out my past relationship… Mistakes made, our personalities, many lessons of what I want and don’t want (but mainly don’t want), and it all makes sense now. In a way, I am at peace; yet I have found myself uneasy in a new relationship… I dont know what to expect. I don’t know how to feel, I don’t know which differences are good and which are bad, and I really have no idea what I am doing or what to expect.

No one mentioned the aftermath of healing from a heartbreak where you no longer act while comparing to the past relationship.

It’s literally as if I am entering my very first relationship, again.

 

Does this make sense? Or do I sound as confused as I actually am?

Much Love,

Lucy Loves Life…and sappy songs that make sense of life xx

Another One of Those ‘I’m So Busy’ Updates 

Dear friends and family, 

No, I have not fallen of the planet. No, I don’t hate you and purposely not answer my phone or come home super late to avoid you (sorry family). Yes, I am extremely busy and the only time I even look at my phone is to see how late I am, read emails, or check in with my fit bit. 

However, I am not complaining at all. I am as busy as I am because I am Spartan kicking my way through all of my goals, and I really couldn’t ask for more… Well, maybe a nap would be nice… 

Anyway, what’s going on you may ask? Well, I thought now would be a good time to update you all seeing as I haven’t done this since July. 

  

 

School and volunteering: 

The most exciting and most time consuming part of my life! I am still maintaining my 4.0, but this semester I made the decision to only take 12 credit hours for the sake of diving into some of my interest head first. This semester I am proud to say that I have;

  • Volunteered to organize and be the primary source for social media postings for an incredible non-profit, Care Highway International. 
  • Become very involved in my honors society, working my way to president of leadership 
  • Completed training to intern as a Survivor Advoacy Team member for survivors of sexual abuse 
  • Put together yet another research project (won’t be presented until next month) 

Health and wellness: 

This has been a pretty constant struggle since I was, hmmmm….5? Yep, 5. But for the first time, I feel good. 

I have always been a crash dieter; but after hiring an online trainer and finding a pretty handsome workout partner/ supporter… I feel healthier than I ever have and every sign of progress is a reminder that the healthy way is much more rewarding both physically and mentally; it also taste better, win. 

Starting next week, my hunky supporter, sister, and dad are embarking on our newest “health kick” (that’s what we’ve titled it), and I’m really excited to see what that brings. Could be a six pack, could be cardiac arrest; either way, I’m pumped! 

Love:

As you guys know, this particular aspect has been FUBAR (google it). Luckily, I can say I’m beyond that constant state of FUBAR. I have a pretty great guy in my life at the moment, “the one who was always there.” Though I still deal with weak moments and uncertainty, the healing has stayed, and I realize now that the hurt was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

I acknowledged what he is, how bad it was for me, and at a young age I have the knowledge to avoid another potentially life ruining relationship (for those of you I have elaborated on this with, we both know that’s not dramatized at all… It may actually be an understatement).

 I learned what to expect and what to avoid, I learned that I need to trust my head because my heart loves the ones that are wrong for me, and I’ve learned to appreciate the wonderful (and very patient) man who has stuck with me through both of those realizations…. That required a lot of Starbucks and patience, I’m sure. 

In English: 

Between a new relationship, school, 2 jobs, an internship, volunteer work, dieting, exercising, running multiple internet forums with no internet in my house (oh yeah, we are moving!), and trying to stay a calm, cool, and collected human…. I am always moving, always busy, and always happy + sufficiently caffeinated. 

The keyword there is happy

So if i haven’t called you in weeks, forgot that coffee date, or neglected to wish you a happy birthday… Please know that I love you and my crazy little life but sometimes it’s hard to do both. 

Boring post over now! 

Thank you for reading. If you have any questions, suggestions, or the desire to say ‘hi,’ please don’t hesitate to shoot me an email…. They real do make my day, especially the witty, sarcastic ones. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… And my beautiful chaos

Vulnerability, Tears, and Resolutions, OH MY!

I have become a total dork for TED Talks, especially in my chosen major, psychology. This particular one? This one brought tears to my eyes and clarity to my mind.

In this video, Brown discusses her research on vulnerability and how it provokes feelings such as doubt, shame, and sadness. She carries on to say, that though vulnerability provokes negative feelings, it is also responsible for positive feelings such as, happiness, love, courage, and gratitude. 

Brown then discusses the downside to this revelation; people tend to avoid vulnerability like the plague. Brown explains that when a person decides to not feel the negative aspects of vulnerability , they also numb the positive, more beautiful aspects of it. When this happens, a person can lose their purpose, which makes them feel more vulnerable, and a sick the cycle begins. Vulnerable, numb, vulnerable, more numb….

Brown even suggest that we place this fear of vulnerability on our own children, to which she stresses that parents should consider removing phrases like “she’s so perfect” from their vocabulary, and instead saying things like “you are imperfect and wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

All of this information hit me like a ton of bricks. Last week, as I prepared to bring in the new year, I was beyond sad and depressed, and I couldn’t figure out why. I am right where I want to be in life, yet, I found and still find myself in a constant state of unhappiness. I haven’t been truly happy since Shlomo and I were madly in love, and because I’ve pretty much wrapped my mind around the end of us, I couldn’t understand why it was still taunting me. This TED Talk slapped me in the face with my answer;

I wasn’t allowing myself to feel out of fear that I would once again experience the pain of missing and loving him. 

Brown makes mention of the way modern Americans drown out their sorrow, in an attempt to not feel anything more than what has become socially acceptable. My method for avoiding the pain? Staying busy, ALL.OF. THE. TIME.

could see very early on that the people around me (minus my mother) had very little patience for my grief. From hateful people that came across my blog, to the people I called friends, family, and even the boy I loved at the time… words like “crazy ex-girlfriend,” “clingy,” and “you’re so desperate” ran through my mind as it left their lips. I knew for the sake of preserving relationships, it was time to get over it… So I did. I went to the gym for 2-3 hours a day, I studied and volunteered myself for any and everything school related, I worked as many hours as possible, and I kept friends around for the sole purpose of staying distracted. 

Naturally, I accomplished quite a bit… a slimmer body, a 4.0 GPA, a resume FILLED with extra curricular activities, and maybe a few new shiny things my hard work bought me..But I could feel that something was missing. On December 31st, I looked back, and all I could remember feeling that year was unbearable sadness and heartache or nothing at all, there was no in-between. I began a cycle that Brown implied was a numb cycle. I didn’t want to feel him, but at 20 years old, I still needed a purpose in life, and there my cycle of avoiding vulnerability began; leaving me successful, and miserable. The sad thing is, I couldn’t figure it out, until Shlomo sparked up a conversation and pulled me out of that numb cycle.

Our conversation and this Ted Talk made me realize why I correlated him with my happiness…

Brown’s solutions for breaking the numb cycle included:

  1. Letting yourself be seen, truly and deeply
  2. Loving with all of your heart with no guarantees
  3. Practicing gratitude and joy in times of terror when your mind is thinking “Can I love you this much or believe in this so passionately?” 
  4. Believing you are enough

That list made me realize that Shlomo pulled me out of my numb cycle because even though we’ve been apart for a year, he is still the only person in this world that I have been 100% vulnerable with. I let him see every part of me, even the ugly bits of my mind that made other people cringe. Being with him allowed me to love someone wholeheartedly without any concern about the end or heartbreak. I have never been more happy to trust someone with my heart and soul then I was with Shlomo. He gave me the assurance Brown suggested parents give their children…We both knew I wasn’t perfect, but he gave me love and belonging anyway; because of that, I was enough for myself and the world.

I cannot explain how relieved I am. I am not doomed to be miserable, I am not still madly in love with him, and I no longer feel the need to apologize for what I feel. All of the things I was terrified of being reality, have just come into focus as terrible side effects of numbing my own vulnerability. 

So you know what my biggest new years resolution is? To not be afraid of who I am and what I feel. I loved that boy dearly, and when he got a new girl, it crushed me, it still kind of hurts to think he could replace me as I struggle to do the same, but that’s okay. Missing him even though he’s completely moved on, does not make me weak or a “crazy ex-girlfriend,” it makes me human. Being scared of applying to Ivy League schools and eventually leaving home does not make me neurotic or high maintenance, it makes me real. Showing emotions that aren’t always pretty doesn’t make me a nuisance, it makes me stronger…

It is time to do for myself what Shlomo once did for me. It is time to love everything about myself. I. AM. ENOUGH. It’s time for me to allow myself to feel everything and be who I am without shame, because in the words of Brown…

” To feel this vulnerable means I am alive.” 

Thanks for reading guys. I hope you enjoyed this random epiphany as much as I did. I’m going to go wipe the tears (of happiness) out of my eyes, but while I do that, feel free to let me know… Does this apply to you? Are you too guarded? Do you have that person you can be vulnerable with? 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and TED Talks xx