Hey guys, I know it has been a while, and trust me, it wasn’t without reason. I’ve been through quite a bit in the last month, if you hadn’t guessed from my last two posts. I went through something that shattered the hopes and dreams I had for this blog.
I started this blog to chronicle the life of a girl that was getting over a break up like a strong, independent woman, that didn’t need that man. However, deep down, I had kind of hoped it would chronicle a strong, independent woman, that was going to follow all of her epiphanies and adventures until they eventually lead me back to my happily ever after, in London, with my boy (we will call him Shlomo).
The day of my last blog post, that underlying dream was stomped into the ground, once and for all. Not because I am not going to London, not because I failed in what I set out to do (because I am still doing both), but because my knight in shining armor, was just another douche bag wrapped in aluminum foil.
The day before my last post, I went to bed with tears in my eyes because I missed Shlomo so much it hurt. I thought about how special he was to me, and how love like ours didn’t happen every day.
Well, that all came to a screeching halt the following day and I think it is fair to say that heartbroken was an understatement.
I talked to Shlomo after he had given me the “I’m super busy, I can’t even send you a text” speech for a month… and till this day, I wish I would’ve just declined his call. Why? Because it was in this conversation that he told me he could see his life without me in it (after I spent the night crying, because I couldn’t), he said that what we had wasn’t all that rare, and that he doesn’t really miss me all that much. I felt as if someone had punched me in the chest, I spent the night crying over a boy that I was just a cool side activity for.
I will admit, I texted him after we hung up with the slightly dramatic words of a woman in desperate need of attention and affection. How did he reply? A verbal lashing with no semblance of an apology. He made the hurt I felt at his crass words, my fault…again. At first I was angry and hurt, but then I realized something… I am young, intelligent, ambitious, mildly attractive, and I deserve a lot more than that. And I don’t mean a better guy, I mean a better quality of life than the one I had chasing after someone who would never really love me.
I would’ve cut off my right arm just to see him smile, and after that little incident, I realized that I deserve more than a life filled with worry, anxiety, and the inability to share it with him because I knew he would punish me for it. I am difficult to love, I get it. I can be insecure, moody, irrational, clingy yet cold, and sometimes I am completely unable to say what I mean…but it’s who I am, and even though I strive to make myself better everyday, I am still human, and I refuse to be berated for it.
I have come to realize that the world is my oyster, and I don’t need someone that makes me feel like a worthless, pathetic woman, anywhere near my world.
So you see, I didn’t blog for a while, because a month ago, this blog post would’ve been about a girl who was heartbroken, yet again. But after a month to sort it all out…it’s about a girl who realized her worth and potential for a happiness.
Shlomo will always be special to me. He was my first in so many respects, and at the end of the day, he taught me just how capable of loving someone I really am. I will never forget the happiness we shared together, and even though it wasn’t special or rare to him, I will always hold the (false) sense of unconditional love and security we shared near and dear to me, because at the time, it was magical.
At the moment, I am a tad resentful, but maybe in another month’s time, I will think of the crazy in love, once in a lifetime, passion we shared with great fondness, instead of being unable to move past the fact that it wasn’t that way for him. He has moved on, he has found a girl that gives him everything I did, and it’s time for me to do the same thing.
I have a million different emotions towards this whole situation, some of resentment, some of regret, a lot of happiness, and even more bittersweet feelings…I will eventually get around to sharing them all, but I hope you guys understand why I needed to take a step back and catch my breath. I so appreciate your continued support and occasional kind words.
Lucy Loves Life, with or without Shlomo xx