I feel weird, and because I feel weird, I have been unable to blog. I have written nearly five entries in the last two weeks, but they’re either too honest for this blog, or too scatterbrained, so they just get saved as I move on. I haven’t even been writing in my journal, because my thoughts are just that random. The only problem is, I hate not writing, and it’s driving me mad…so I’m resorting to bullet points. Yup, bullet points of all my random thoughts;
I want to be a psychiatrist
I miss school because I hate working 9-5
I miss yoga and having free time
At least this busy-ness is practice for medical school
Sh*t, medical school
I’m going to be in school until I’m in my 30’s
What school do I want to go to for medicine? Wait, I haven’t even gone into my last two years of undergrad, calm down.
How will I have a life? I’m going to be a REALLY old mom.
Could I have a husband and children while doing my residency?
It’s a good thing Mr. Old and I broke up.
He could never be married to a medical student.
Have I eaten today?
No, I’m not in the mood for fish.
But yeah, the Lucy that loved Mr. Old would not be VP of scholarship, running for international VP, heading to Columbia, or even thinking about practicing psychiatry.
I ate way too much when we we’re together
Why don’t we have a Byron in America?
Dude, I should work out.
Lol, jk, I’m at work.
I have to go to that open call before school starts
You are pretty enough
Go eat some broccoli
I really love the Whole30
Mainly because it makes me feel good
I love how easy life is with Mr. New
He would rub my feet after a long day of school.
He inspires my greatness.
You should marry a guy like that, right?
What if medical school ruins my love life.
Oh well, I’ll hug my patients.
Let’s see how they did it on Grey’s Anatomy
Wait, I have a meeting to go to
I’m going to be late…to.my.own.meeting.
But first, I need that pink toothbrush.
It’ll take five minutes.
I’m the worst leader ever.
Just kidding, that plan is brilliant.
And so are my teeth.
They’re all excited to manage my campaign, score.
Let’s go see Mr. New, I need food.
I need to play Beyonce all the way to his place, because that meeting has me feeling like a “Diva.”
Imma, a diva.
He made dinner.
He could totally love me through medical school.
Oh wait, there is no kale. He’s trying to make me fat.
Could we spend our lives together? I mean, he forgot the kale…but not the potatoes?!
Doesn’t he know models and potatoes don’t mix?
I told him to add the potatoes in the recipe, my bad.
He just opened a can of “let’s talk about the future.”
I can’t commit to you. I’ve made plans to follow and be followed with someone before.
They stopped following and if we weren’t worth the struggle, no relationship is… don’t you get it?
Relationships should be easy. We are easy now.
What if we’re not easy when I’m pulling all nighters or in a different city?
Am I thinking out of fear?
Stop it, Lucy.
You two work, his plans match your plans; sure, he forgets the kale, but hey, what’s a lack of nutrients amongst love?
Oh, this foot rub doe.
Life may get hectic, but that’s the beauty of it.
So, there you have it, 61 random thoughts I had yesterday. Thank you for reading through my scatterbrained mess, as I couldn’t manage to turn that all into an inspirational tale of ex-boyfriend thoughts and hypothetical medical school meltdowns.
“If I would have known that you wanted me, the way I wanted you… Then maybe we wouldn’t be two worlds apart.”
I have to admit, I really hated Ariana Grande…
Then I heard this song.
When I am upset, I remind myself that I have some talent, and I sing. This song has been the perfect outlet for me the last couple of days. As I deal with the stuff in my last post and prepare to make such a bittersweet decision, it helps to be reminded that almost is never enough. I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I have.
Okay…now I am done being emotional. Tomorrow, I’ll update you on the things I am actually really happy about. 🙂
On days like today, being 20 is exciting, but it is also terrifying. I understand everyone else, but never myself. Sometimes that is interesting, but when I am trying to make decisions, it’s just scary. Everybody has questions that I can’t answer; sometimes I like the challenge, and at other time I really hate every part of it. On days like today, it all just seems like too much, and I want someone else to know; I want someone I feel okay ‘not knowing’ with.
On a day like today, I feel weak and totally unsure of everything, and I miss having someone to make sense of it all. In a world where I hide every ugly part, it is easy to miss having someone that saw everything… sometimes without explanation. Opening up to someone takes a great amount of effort, and when I feel weak/unsure, I want effortless. I want to let down all of my guards and just be vulnerable, because it’s too much work to hide. Today, I don’t want to be the one who has all the answers; I want someone who knows what to say, to make me ask all of the questions, they have all of the answers to.
That might be unrealistic and a little ridiculous, but I never promised to be rational, not today anyway.
Lucy Loves Life… And feeling like I’ve lost the plot xx
When I get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of life, it doesn’t take long before I begin to feel like I am completely alone. I have such big dreams that I am constantly working to achieve, sometimes I forget to stop and think, and when I do, it’s scary. Amongst people that are just as hustle-y and bustle-y as I am, I feel okay, happy even. It’s when I stand still and let my mind and true emotions take over that life begins to feel messy. Those messy moments make me feel the most alone, as the idea of sharing my mess with people that don’t understand can be intimidating and unworthy of the struggle.
In the last few weeks I dealt with the sad reality that I no longer had those people or even that person (not even one) that I could be completely honest with. Don’t get me wrong, I am not that girl who doesn’t trust anyone and takes ages to open up… I am very open and honest about most things as I tend to avoid doing anything I’d ever be ashamed of… but there is a difference between being honest and being understood. I can be open all day, every day, but it takes a special, friend worthy person to be understanding and be non-judgy-wudgy of my honesty.
In order to be non-judgy-wudgy, you have to be able to empathize in some respect, and I was beginning to think such a person didn’t exist anymore.
Well, I think I was wrong. Though I met this lovely lady a few months ago, it wasn’t until last weekend that I realized she could be one of those people who understands.I understood her and could empathize with her struggles so genuinely, I knew there must be enough similarity to have hope in that friendship. It seems super crazy to feel as much relief as I do…but I have been made to feel crazy or completely misunderstood for so long, that it is a breath of fresh air to just share conversation over everything and nothing with no holds barred.
Two decorated lattes/hot chocolates, three-ish hours, and some deep yet lighthearted conversation later… I no longer felt as if the world was closing in on me. I immediately felt the comfort in knowing that all of the things that swirl around my mind are not only relatable but also acceptable. A lot of times I feel bad for thinking and feeling the way I do; having someone that can empathize from their own experiences, is priceless. As a matter of fact, I felt relieved, rejuvenated, and like I may have just made a really awesome friend. A friend I can be myself with. No persona, no need to have all my poop in a group, and no perfection… just me and my latte.
There you have it, short and sweet. Tell me; when is the last time you had a relileving conversation? Who is your go-to person? Let me know 🙂
From a nasty comment from a not so anonymous reader, to a snarling, gossiping freak job… it has come to my attention that people get the impression that I think I’m perfect. As I mention below…. hahahahahahahahaha…oh honey boo-boo…how wrong you are.
I have my issues…as a matter of fact, one of the reasons I started this blog was to have a forum to process my craziness and share it with you. However, I do realize, that by the time I make a post, I have already processed it, learned a lesson from it, and leave out all the Lucy bashing in between.
So for those of you that take the time to read one blog where I sound a little conceited…here is a guide with all of things wrong with me…just to keep things in perspective.
1. I am the most awkward person you will ever meet
Seriously… I know that I look pulled together, but in reality, my mind is an awkward place to live. I laugh hysterically when I’m nervous, I make jokes in public that only I understand (and laugh at them), I find intense conversations with most people to be difficult, and when it comes to dating…there are few things in this world as awkward as me on a date with someone I haven’t known for ages.
2. I don’t like to do anything I am not above average in
A friend of mine would joke with me and say that he let me win at card games because if the win to lose ration got too big, I refused to play. Ridiculous, no? I will try most things at least once, but if I discover I’m not extraordinarily good at what I am doing, the chances of continuing that activity are quite low.
3. I am a control freak
This is the main reason I don’t like being drunk, I don’t like to be a guest for more than a few days, and I always need my own money (freedom). Being at the whim of someone else puts a massive strain on my mental state. I have to have my say, I have to have control of my space, diet, exercise, schedule, all things Lucy need to be in my control. I can lose that control for a few days…but don’t push it.
4. I am insanely critical of myself
Recently, a lot of people have started to think that I am hyper critical of everyone mentioned on my blog, and unable to see my own flaws. To all those people…..hahahahahahahaha, I wish. I can see all of my flaws brighter than I care to…I can even see the flaws most of you can’t. If you think I’m critical of others, you should see what I say to myself. Yeah, I think you’re a douche if you’re rude to me, and I may even write about it…but what you don’t see is the mental abuse I put myself through over any little reason I might have given you to hurt me. Anything negative that you can think about me, I have probably already spent months raking myself over the coals for.
5. I mean one thing and say something else
I have this insane ability to mean one thing, and translate it to mean something totally different to those around me. It takes someone I know really well to make sense of my head sometimes. I have gotten into arguments with people that agree with me, but if their words veer away from what I have rationalized it in my head, there is something about my mind that can’t handle that.
6. My emotions can get the best of me
I am passionate about everything I do, and life events are no different. This is one of those places where it is very easy for me to say one thing and rationally mean another. If I’m angry, I may chose the side of an argument that rational Lucy would never take. In times of sadness or hurt, I accept defeat and can be seen as passive aggressive or indifferent because I don’t have the stamina to defend myself. On the flip side, happiness can make me agree to things I never would. I am easily ruled by an excessive amount of emotion.
7. I can be completely cold
Have you all seen Frozen? Well, the part where she disappears in her crazy cave/ ice castle because she was angry/sad/hurt…yep, that’s me. And if someone tries to run after me and burst in to my crazy cave/ice castle while I am having a moment… that is the perfect set up for them to get hurt. I don’t necessarily want your advice, please don’t touch me, please don’t smother me, because if you insist on doing any of those things, I can’t promise that bad things won’t happen. I need that happy place to center myself, and go on acting like a normal human being…and if there is an intrusion, you will encounter the ice queen that likes to sing when she’s emotional. Okay, Frozen references over…now back to being 19.
8. I take it personally when my friends repeat my mistakes
One of the few times I choose to share personal information about myself, is when I feel like it could prevent them from making the same mistakes I have. The same goes for sharing any information that might defuse a messy situation from happening in general. I am the girl who worries when I see my friend getting with a sketchy guy and is willing to look like an idiot to do everything possible to prevent the same bad things that happened to me, from happening to her. It’s completely irrational, and sometimes it creates more problems than it fixes…but, it happens.
9. I aim so high I have no choice but to fail
If you are a close friend of mine, you saw the devastation that happened in my mind during the two weeks I thought I had only gotten a 3.8 GPA, instead of the 4.0 I set my sights on. My constant need for perfection is something I work hard to control, because for a few years there, I was just perpetually unhappy with my success. Most people would be thrilled with a 3.8, but because I set a personal goal for a 4.0 (perfection), that 3.8 was devastating.
Luckily, I miscalculated my GPA, and when I saw my official transcripts I had indeed gotten my pretty 4.0, but the lesson I learned from that faux 3.8 was a loud and clear. Calm. Down.
10. I can’t stand confrontation and I will avoid it like the plague
I cannot tell you how many times I have just let something blow up because the idea of confronting it was just way too daunting. This is especially true if I really love you. I have been crushed by something that was said or done, but instead of telling the person who brought on the hurt, I forgive them, let it go, and just let myself deal with hurt. Rationally, I know this is a crappy way to handle things, but irrationally, I can’t stand the idea of someone being angry with me… I would rather just be hurt in silence.
So there you have it…most of my crazy, in black and white. I don’t need encouragement, I am not beating myself up, I am writing this with a smile on my face, as I still think I am pretty great…I just thought I should put it out there. I am not perfect, nor did I ever claim to be. As a matter of fact, I am so imperfect that sometimes my imperfections convince people that I think more of myself than I actually do. Ridiculous, right?
I know my flaws people…and I know them well enough to be honest about them and my struggles. Now, can we all be friends?
Do you acknowledge your flaws? What do you about it? Feel free to email me! I’d love to hear from you!