The Greatest Time of Year

There’s nothing like the end of the summer to remind me that in a week I am officially a

  • Student
  • Friend
  • Partner
  • Vice President of Scholarship
  • Aspiring candiate for Regional Vice President
  • Ivy League Applicant
  • If-all-goes-well Columbia transfer
  • Aspiring model
  • Dedicated Paleo-er, and worker-outer (because, refer to the previous bullet point)
  • Employee
  • Slightly insane individual

That all sounds way more exciting and impressive than it actually is (or feels), but it still scares me. It doesn’t really make sense because I am many of those things now; but there is something about the beginning of the school year that reminds me of the potential to fail. It seems the harder I work, the more I have to work hard, and Monday is going to take me to the next level, as my responsibilities and goals are  bigger than they’ve ever been (totally natural, still scary).

The days are passing, and I can’t decide if I am terrified or excited…

But for now, my excitement is larger than the feeling that I am about to sh*t myself…so I think we’re good.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and mini freakouts xx

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Days Like Today

On days like today, being 20 is exciting, but it is also terrifying.  I understand everyone else, but never myself. Sometimes that is interesting, but when I am trying to make decisions, it’s just scary. Everybody has questions that I can’t answer; sometimes I like the challenge, and at other time I really hate every part of it. On days like today, it all just seems like too much, and I want someone else to know; I want someone I feel okay ‘not knowing’ with.


On a day like today, I feel weak and totally unsure of everything, and I miss having someone to make sense of it all. In a world where I hide every ugly part, it is easy to miss having someone that saw everything… sometimes without explanation. Opening up to someone takes a great amount of effort, and when I feel weak/unsure, I want effortless. I want to let down all of my guards and just be vulnerable, because it’s too much work to hide. Today, I don’t want to be the one who has all the answers; I want someone who knows what to say, to make me ask all of the questions, they have all of the answers to.

That might be unrealistic and a little ridiculous, but I never promised to be rational, not today anyway.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… And feeling like I’ve lost the plot xx 

No Choice But to Find Myself

I miss my life. I miss the life where I spent more time laughing than crying or stressing. I miss the life when beautiful people thought I was beautiful too. I miss waking up in different places. I miss feeling intimidated by someone. I miss getting all dressed up with somewhere to go. I miss being around people that excite and challenge me. I miss my extraordinary. I miss being impressive to people who impress me. I miss compliments that mean something. I miss waking up with a purpose; to thrive, not just survive.

By all accounts I am the best I can be, I am “successful” at everything I have taken on… but does any of that matter when I can’t remember the last time I was happy?

I am really unhappy and realizing that something needs to change, but I have no idea how to go back to the life I miss.

Maybe I’m not meant to go back. Maybe I need to use that desire for what I had to fuel my reason for waking up. Maybe the solution is to go, do, and see whatever it is that makes me happy.

Maybe this is the part of my life where I get so lost, I have no choice but to find myself. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and “maybe” xx 

I’m Only Human

I think I have made it easy for people to forget I am human. I realize that it’s very rare that I let someone completely in. I am honest to the point of making some uncomfortable, and yet, very few people know exactly who I am and what I am thinking.  I am a professional at keeping people exactly where I want them; never too close. I can be moody, but very rarely do I let my true emotions show.

The emotions of others have always come before my own, and I am pretty good at picking up when someone can’t be bothered with my hot-mess of a mind. If my pain hurts someone I care about, I don’t talk about it, if my success makes someone jealous or upset, I do a happy dance in private, and if my thoughts make someone uncomfortable, they get buried (or made into a blog post).

I am a loud, outspoken person that loves to make people think and laugh. I enjoy my larger-than-life personality; it makes it easy to always be the strong, confident one…

Until it hits me and those around me, that I am still so susceptible to being a real person, and a very sensitive one at that. One day I am over it all, and the next day a “like” can make me cry for an hour. One minute success always seems to find me, the next, I am terrified of failing.  One second I am ultra-confident, and the next I wonder if she really is better than me.

I am never above that.

People see my life as I present it to them; in the most lighthearted, inspiring, and rational way I possibly can without it getting boring or disingenuous. What they don’t see is the version of me that has nothing figured out. Not him, not university, not my appearance, not my future, not even my own mind.

All of this to say; I truly appreciate all of the people in my life, I even love some of you… Because of that, I ask that you always remember what I’ve just said. I will always try my best to be whatever you need of me; but sometimes I fail and it all becomes too much.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and beautiful messes xx

The Beauty of Uncertainty

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“She was lost in her longing to understand.”
—Gabriel Garcia Marquez 

I can sit here and theorize about what he feels and doesn’t feel, I can question myself on whether or not he truly loved me (or even knows what love is), and I can try to attach his life to every psychological theory I learn about. I can hate him for what he is, what he was brought up to be, and all of the things I can’t understand about him… or…I can remember that at one point, I loved him for all of it.

I can acknowledge that he did love me the best way he knows how, and though it may have never been “real love“, he gave me the best of what he understands it to be.

There are times I really wish I could go back and undo it. Loving someone who can never love you back is heartbreaking; there is no painless way out. However, I also remember that no matter how malicious his actions seem, they were not necessarily intentional. You see, hurt people, hurt other people, and he hurts the ones he loves the most.

“Each man kills the thing he loves.” -Oscar Wilde

As I seek to make sense out of the coldness of my mended heart, and the warmth of our life together in photos… I can choose to be lost and angry, in my lack of understanding; or I can admit that I don’t have all of the answers, and see that it hurt because I was the one he loved the most.

I’ve become perfectly content with getting lost in the beauty of uncertainty and only truly knowing one thing; sometimes love means being hurt by someone and empathizing for them even when you can’t understand it all yourself. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and the understanding that I’ll never understand xx

Cause You Gotta Have Friends

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When I get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of life, it doesn’t take long before I begin to feel like I am completely alone. I have such big dreams that I am constantly working to achieve, sometimes I forget to stop and think, and when I do, it’s scary. Amongst people that are just as hustle-y and bustle-y as I am, I feel okay, happy even. It’s when I stand still and let my mind and true emotions take over that life begins to feel messy. Those messy moments make me feel the most alone, as the idea of sharing my mess with people that don’t understand can be intimidating and unworthy of the struggle.

In the last few weeks I dealt with the sad reality that I no longer had those people or even that person (not even one) that I could be completely honest with. Don’t get me wrong, I am not that girl who doesn’t trust anyone and takes ages to open up… I am very open and honest about most things as I tend to avoid doing anything I’d ever be ashamed of… but there is a difference between being honest and being understood. I can be open all day, every day, but it takes a special, friend worthy person to be understanding and be non-judgy-wudgy of my honesty.

In order to be non-judgy-wudgy, you have to be able to empathize in some respect, and I was beginning to think such a person didn’t exist anymore.

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Well, I think I was wrong. Though I met this lovely lady a few months ago, it wasn’t until last weekend that I realized she could be one of those people who understands.I understood her and could empathize with her struggles so genuinely, I knew there must be enough similarity to have hope in that friendship. It seems super crazy to feel as much relief as I do…but I have been made to feel crazy or completely misunderstood for so long, that it is a breath of fresh air to just share conversation over everything and nothing with no holds barred.

Two decorated lattes/hot chocolates, three-ish hours, and some deep yet lighthearted conversation later… I no longer felt as if the world was closing in on me. I immediately felt the comfort in knowing that all of the things that swirl around my mind are not only relatable but also acceptable. A lot of times I feel bad for thinking and feeling the way I do;  having someone that can empathize from their own experiences, is priceless. As a matter of fact, I felt relieved, rejuvenated, and like I may have just made a really awesome friend. A friend I can be myself with. No persona, no need to have all my poop in a group, and no perfection… just me and my latte.

There you have it, short and sweet. Tell me; when is the last time you had a relileving conversation? Who is your go-to person? Let me know 🙂

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life, and pretty lattes xx 

 

 

Just Happy

I had a pretty bad habit of only talking about my feelings when I’m upset, or hurt…but I think now is the time to change that. As you can see by the title, life is good right now, and because I write about the good in my journal, I’ll share that too.

Just Happy 11/18/2014

It has been an incredible weekend/early week…busy, but incredible. I feel complete, happy. I feel like life is exactly where it is meant to be right now.

School is going incredibly well. I am wrapping up the last project for my honors program, and I’ve already began making plans for next semester. I’ll be running for president of the honors society, leading a few of our charity events, and taking over a few group projects in order to make my resume as shiny as possible.

My honors coordinator has been handing me opportunities she thinks I have the potential to succeed in and I couldn’t be more grateful. She’s so confident in me, and I think it may be contagious. From being kind of dumb on paper to Ivy League? I. Can. Do. This.

My room is finally decorated the way I want it (thanks mom), my job is really great  (thanks dad), and I have wonderful friends (the kind that volunteer to leave a party early so that she can attend/host my birthday shin-dig, thanks friend).

I went on a lovely date with the one who was always there. An incredible night that ended with an incredible present. The actual gift was beautiful, but what made it so special was the attention and care it took to know that it was the perfect gift. He listens to what I say, he takes it to heart, and he tries (and succeeds) to make me happy in the cute, little ways that every girl wants.

I’m not even sure if life really got better, or if the world is just a brighter place after letting go of my little piece of misery…I don’t know, but I’m content with not knowing, because I am happy. Just, happy. Life really is exactly the way I dreamed it would be (at this point in my life).

I feel very blessed…B’H.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life, for real this time xx

If You Can’t Handle Me At My Worst

The last couple of months have been a total roller coaster. I began this blog as a girl that had it all figured out, and if you haven’t realized from my lack of post, not only do I not know everything…I’ve never felt as clueless and dumbfounded by life as I am right now. Now, life is far from awful, it has just become something I never thought possible in both terrible and really incredible ways.

Because of my recent revelation of “Lucy, you know nothing,” I can no longer post from my soap box, only my raw emotions and thoughts. I am in no place to advise people on how they should run their lives, because quite frankly… I am a hot mess. However, I am a hot mess that keeps a pretty cool journal. My journal has been hogging all of the juicy details, but I think it’s time to share…starting with today

This one is titled New Beginnings from 11/10/14:

The last year has been a roller coaster of emotions. Last year was the beginning of the end for Shlomo and I. It was on my birthday that he made it very clear that he no longer loved me. Looking back, I would have taken that day for what it was, and left before he had the chance to leave me as broken as I am today.

Last year he announced that he no longer loved me, and this year he’s announced that he has replaced me like the common thing that I was to him. Both events felt as if someone had ripped my heart right out of his chest. I loved that boy, I probably always will. Actually, I love that boy, but I love me more now than I did last year. And with that, I have to revoke his power to hurt me.

I wish I could write the word love with enough intensity to make it clear just how much this process hurts, but here goes nothing…and what used to be my everything….

Because this entry is about new beginnings, I’ll move on to the positive, the here and now. I have made the decision to aim higher than I ever have. And by high, I mean, I will be applying to Columbia University to complete my undergrad degree. I will also be applying to other schools (Rice University, NYU, UT Austin, etc…), but at the end of the day, my new goal lies in going to Oxford or Cambridge for my Post grad in psychology.

This semester has opened doors I never knew existed, and I plan to walk through every one of them.

As for love, I have a guy that treats me like the sun rose in my eyes. He is everything Shlomo wasn’t, and better to me than I would’ve even thought to ask for. You have to be blind to look at him while he is around me and not see the adoration that falls out of his face (no better way to put that lol). I feel so very fortunate. His patience is astounding (and much needed), and for that, I have nothing but gratitude. Time is our friend, well, mine, and I plan on using as much as I need, but it’s nice to know he’s along for the ride.

With all that being said, I’ve got a lot of learning and growing to do. I’ve got to learn to stop loving the boy I said I’d love forever, I’ve got to make all my dreams come true, and I’ve got to get over myself enough to be the daughter, student, friend, and partner I know I need to be, regardless of broken dreams and disappointments.

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a wonderful job, endless possibilities when it comes to my academic success, a man who is incredible to me, a wonderful family, great friends, and the list goes on. It’s time to keep that all in focus, and begin this journal with gratitude that isn’t dampened by a little boy that never really loved me.

I never saw this blog becoming a journal, but if I don’t share that, I’ll never be able to post. I know nothing but what I feel and what is happening in the present, but I hope you guys enjoy following me on the journey to find that place of “knowing” (if such a thing exist) once again…and then I’ll get back on my soap box.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life

 

 

 

All I Really Want

Let her know she is loved. Make her feel adored, unique, priceless, beautiful, and yours. Make her feel like no one in this world can love you the way she does. While you’re at it, make it known that you love her more than anyone else ever could.

All I really want, is to know that the man I love would do anything in this world to let me know he loves me too, and I think it’s safe to say I’m not alone.

 

Just a little tidbit of the many emotions happening in my brain right now… I’ll let Beyonce do the rest.

Thanks for reading,

Lucy Loves Life, she just wants life to love her back  ❤ xx

 

No, I Haven’t Fallen Off the Planet

I am just unbelievably busy. School, blog, friends, more than friend, honors program, religious activities, annnnd now work (which I am super grateful for, thanks dad). As it turns out, something has to compromise, and because my hard drive decided to explode, it has been this blog and you lovely readers.

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Studying while waiting for coffee, because “busy” is an understatement

However, to keep you guys updated and in the know with what is going on with my life, I will be sharing little tidbits about my adventures at the moment.

Brace yourselves people, many photos, and little updates will be coming your way and when life calms down a bit I will make sure to fill you guys in on all I have learned and experienced, and trust me… its going to get lengthy.

I hope you guys enjoy this temporary shift, I know I am looking forward to it!

I do have to mention that even though I haven’t been able to blog as much, the consistent emailing, commenting, and sharing has been absolutely incredible, and I really cannot thank you all enough.

Much Love,

Lucy Loves Life xx

 

P.S. I will be finishing the grateful challenge before I make the temporary switch