Understood

There are times in life that even when constantly busy and surrounded by people, I can never get over the feeling of boredom and loneliness. I look for the next activity, the next friend, the next relationship to cultivate, the next everything as long as it’s new and offers the potential to mean something.

I always thought being smart, like extraordinarily smart, along with empathetic and ambitious was the recipe to make a difference in the world and therefore be a source of all happiness… I worked and work towards being those things, because who doesn’t want “all happiness.” I never thought about how much fear and isolation was involved in the reality of my pursuit of difference as a personal form of happiness.

In a social setting, a woman like me paves the way for a very lonely existence. I bore most people with talk of things they don’t understand or don’t view passionately and most people bore me with topics I’ve contemplated a thousand times and I derive no challenge or excitement from.

Most people usually can’t relate or find me to be too intense especially when my distain for small talk kicks in. When dating I found pretty quickly that men, even intelligent men, tend to find me to be too intimidating to get to know or they do stick around and they’re not willing to deal with the cons that come with my pros. I realize I am flawed; some would even say a pain in the ass. I also I realize my perception may or may not be factual, but it doesn’t change my reality.

Anyway, I’ve gotten very good at playing social games. I can seek entertainment with shallow friendships and events, and I can definitely keep myself busy with those things… but I find in attempt to stay busy with what is easily available to me socially, I only make my desire to experience genuine connections deeper.

My motto in life has very quickly become “I don’t want to be loved, I want to be understood.” Even in my current relationship, with someone I feel understands me better than most, just the implication that he doesn’t in the smallest facets of my character is enough to make me feel very alone even in the midst of the most intimate moments.

I want someone to understand my passions, what makes me tick, what I want to be in this world, and the differences I want to make. That’s what excites me, that’s what makes me feel loved, and THAT is a lot to ask for.

I love when brains, science, and people combine. I love travel and the feeling of experiencing a world I’ve never seen, I love the beautiful things in life, and I love the arts and humanities. I love how intensely I feel everything and the rush of talking about something that inspires me. I love attention and being admired for the things that matter to me. Mostly I love being appreciated for the intricate parts of my being I feel only I can see, so much so that it is my truest and deepest definition of intimacy.

I ache to see change in the social injustices that doom people to a life of poverty, mental illness, illiteracy, and an overall poor quality of life. I am often overwhelmed with my ideas of how to make change, and the negative feelings associated with the reality check that I will not be able to do it all.

I used to fear relatively normal things like death or never finding someone to love. But now I fear normalcy. I fear settling for shallow encounter after shallow encounter in the hopes of belonging.  I fear shooting for the moon and landing on my ass. I fear dying in a world where I had no impact. Mostly, I fear having children with no legacy to leave them, so much so, that despite this intense longing to someday be a mother, I don’t think I’ll even try to get pregnant until I can see a feasible path to the aforementioned legacy…a path that may never be paved, terrifying.

I’ve spent months pursuing a life that has that has brought me eye to eye with idea of my fears becoming my reality. I’ve felt myself settling and even aspiring to shallow, easily accessible experiences that offer less chance of failure. I have learned to avoid conversations that sound anything like what I’ve just written because it leaves so much room for me to be misunderstood in my pursuit of the opposite.

I suppose I may never be understood and I may never understand. I’m starting to realize that the right thing to do is to get so lost in the pursuit of my passions that I stop falling into the trap of focusing so intently on my perception of feeling alone. The reality is, those feelings are just that, a perception, and I have far too much shit I want to do to let them stand in the way of my reality.

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Soul Searching

The last couple of days have reminded me of why I love psychology enough to spend the next ten years studying it. Being able to see just how resilient and powerful the mind is in ways we can’t always see is inspiring.


The mind holds on to thoughts that appear as they choose, yet those thoughts are still a part of us.


I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and it could just be the sugar withdraws speaking, but it has been turbulent. I’ve been faced with a lot of my fears that I thought I was far beyond, and answers I wasn’t even looking for. Thoughts that have always been my own are just now appearing to me, and dealing with them can be tough. I have had to face my fears of being hurt in ways I never would’ve imagined I could fear pain. I have had answers on how I choose who I choose years after we split, and been able to redirect my need for that dysfunction.

I am growing. Between being a constant over thinker and obsessed with psychology, I am always thinking and tweaking my life. I feel fortunate to have the ability to analyze my life and see where I went wrong. Most people don’t see what I have until it’s just too late and they’re married to someone who is all wrong for their true selves, and maybe even slightly miserable. So I’m glad I’m only twenty, and I’m glad it’s only taken one true heartbreak to get me to the core of figuring out what and who makes me tick or crumble.

I’m sorry this is all so vague, I have an anonymous blog for the gory details; but I figured I have let you all come a long for this ride called my life through all of my ups and downs for a year, I might as well make you aware of this moment of crazy. I am evolving, and as flowery as that sounds, it is a very emotionally confusing time, and I am just taking the thoughts as they come.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and cliché amounts of soul searching xx

July 17th and Regrets

July 17th, 2013 is a day that holds a lot of good memories for me. At the time it was very conflicting, because that day I was caught between who I had and who I wanted. The days following it, I made the “right” decision and held on to what I had, which for the longest time felt wrong… especially when “right” fell apart. For nearly a year, this day marked a sort of regret as I watched the little moments in that day become memories I thought I would never have again. They say you should have no regrets because your experiences all have purpose, but it took a while to find the purpose in what felt like an opportunity wasted.


Two years later, I look back and smile because I can see it now. I can see how tough decisions, heartbreak, and a bit of confusion led to something wonderful. Those moments happened again, they continue to happen, and they’re so special that it’s easy to forget the turmoil in between. I no longer see the conflict, but instead the overwhelming amount of good that came to be.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life…and the 17th of July.

Hemorrhoid-ish Memories?


You ever have something or someone come into your life to confirm a lesson you’ve spent loads of time trying to learn? Yeah, that happened via this HONY post today.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to embrace the idea that memories, both good and bad, should be embraced, because they’ve “made me who I am today” and all that jazz.

It’s a totally noble concept and I really do try to see the value in that… but when you’d rather remember a hysterectomy without anesthesia/ hemorrhoids on a wooden roller-coaster, than your life with a certain someone(s)… that idea is lost pretty quickly.

Luckily, this post made me realize that even on days when I can’t appreciate what those memories contributed to my life or “made me,” I should continue to be grateful for their existence. Regardless of whether they were the best days of my life, or hemorrhoid-ish; I have them, I can remember them, and I continue to make new ones everyday. That’s not something to take for granted…

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and Humans of New York xx 

I Am Learning

I am learning the ropes all over again, I am learning to trust someone, and I am learning what it means to love, after I swore I never would again. I have stopped living my life as if he is watching. It may have been abandoned, but it is still my life, my heart, and my happiness, regardless of what anyone else has to say of it. I am exploring something new, and sometimes, that scares the shit out of me.

I am taking someone that I held at arm’s length, and letting them see me, all of me, in a way I never thought I’d be able to again. I am learning to trust, because I can’t cling to security at the cost of love. I am learning to believe “I love you,” truly and deeply. I am letting my guard down, and giving someone the power to hurt me, to leave me, and maybe even break me in a way that will take another year to recover from. I can’t be isolated in the fear of pain, it’s too lonely.

This may not last, this may actually hurt quite badly, and I don’t doubt that at some point, tough decisions are going to be made; but I have to live. I have to risk my security and comfort, because I was made to feel and love wholeheartedly.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life….and “someone” xx

Tonight’s Intention: Trust

Today’s intention:

Trust.

I thought I had gotten over the experience of being disappointed; but it dawned on me about a week ago that I treat myself and others, as if it’s only a matter of time before I allow them to hurt me. I expect everyone I love to disappoint me, and I expect that I will only choose to love people that will inevitably hurt me. I’ve done it before, I will do it again, and that’s all I have been able to see. One of the biggest losses I’ve experienced in the last year wasn’t a relationship, but instead, the trust I had in myself to make decisions that would encourage love and happiness.

Tonight, during my sweaty yoga session… I will trust my body to move as it should, and when I walk away, I will focus on trusting my heart and my mind to love and feel as it should.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life…and hot yoga xx

Make Me Better But Never Perfect

Tonight’s Yoga Intention:


You are beautiful.

I have been on the Whole30 for two months (approaching the end of my second round), I work out five times a week, I practice hot yoga at least twice a week, and practice for 20/30 minutes after exercising on non-studio days… I feel healthy inside and out, and yet, sometimes I’m insecure. Sometimes I don’t want healthy, I want perfect, and I am beginning to see that the two will never meet.

Most days I can see my 5’11″ self, with my tiny waist, long legs, and wildly curly hair; and I appreciate the beauty in that, and how fortunate I am to be made the way I am. But as photo-shoots approach and scales/measurement don’t move, all I can see is the extra fat on my long legs, the extra tummy on my tiny waist, and the fact that I am not, and have never been exactly where I want to be as far as my body is concerned.

Unfortunately, today is one of those “you’re not pretty enough, postpone the photo-shoot” kind of days.
So tonight, when I’m exhaling my stress, I will focus on what makes me beautiful. I will focus on my heart, my mind, and my body, in attempts to understand that they work together to make me better, not perfect.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and getting ready for the camera xx

What A Year Can Change: Going Anoymous

Well, I have officially had this blog for a year, and that’s something I am quite proud of.

As you all know, it has been a very bumpy year. In a short summary; I have accomplished things I never dreamed possible, and still feel a loss I thought would’ve disappeared ages ago. I won’t go into that because I have created a new outlet for that:IMG_3776

Lucy Loves Life will continue as an outlet for the more shallow aspects of my life, while I have created a new blog that will remain anonymous for the sake of sharing my deepest thoughts and ideas.
So why go anonymous?

In the last year, I’ve realized that loads of people have flocked to this blog, and not just random strangers. It’s how my friends, family, and frenemies keep up with my life in a way that I really don’t have much control over. In being honest with my face attached to it, I put myself in a position to give pieces of myself away with nothing in return. People can read what they want of me, and abandon the rest. It feels as if this blog has given people the ability to know about parts of me that I will never see of them, even though we call each other friends.

With my chosen major and volunteer avenues, along with being a daughter, sister, friend, and often times, a confidant… I need my outlets to be about me, for me. My blog has become the only “person” that listens to my deepest thoughts, and I can’t have my face attached to that.

So what will this blog become?

To put it bluntly, Lucy from the exterior. A version of Lucy I am okay with my ex, ex-bestfriends, and grandma seeing. I feel like Lucy Loves Life should be about just that, loving life. I will still write some soapbox articles, but I’d really like to focus on myself from the outside. I want to share my life in a light-hearted fashion, as opposed to the deep thoughts I don’t even share with those closest to me. Does that make sense? I hope so.

Anyway,

I want to thank you all for following me up until this point, you have all made this year and this blog more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. I want to thank all of the supporters, but also the shady commenters who feel the need to tell me how “pathetic” I am, because you both made me stronger. I have enjoyed sharing my deep thoughts, but I am also looking forward to zooming out a bit.

This has been amazing.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… no really, I do xx 

Yoga Intentions

Before every yoga practice, the instructor will have the class stop for a moment to meditate on your intention. I normally focus on saying things like, “I am strong,” “I am beautiful,” or some other self motivating mantra to drill into my head as I detach from my worries, and focus on myself.

Usually, I am pretty good at coming up with these on my own, but this week, my instructor gave me my intention without even knowing it. She said,

 “What you can do today, you may not be able to do in a year, what you did last year, you may not be able to do today, and in a year, you may be able to do things that you can’t do today. Yoga teaches you humility, to enjoy the present moment, and just go with the flow.” 

At this time of year, it is hardest for me to accept what I see as failures. It is the time when I evaluate my “what-ifs” and reminisce on something that is no longer, and will never be again.

But today, as I throw on my yoga pants and get ready to head into the studio, I will be reminding myself….

Who and what I am today is something I thought to be impossible a year or two ago, who and what I was with and experiencing a year or two ago will never be the same again, and in the next year or two, these anniversaries may not even cross my mind, as who and what I am, along with who I love and what I want, will be astronomically different than it is today.

I have to humble myself and stop believing it is me that has any control. I need to humble myself and just let go. I am strong, and I am beautiful, but what I sometimes forget is that I worthy of all good things. I need to realize that when one good thing comes to an end, the next good thing follows, and before that even ends, the next best thing is already on it’s way. That’s the way it’s always been, and I need to trust the flow and myself.

Today’s intention: In the present, I am worthy of love and success. Because of that, I cannot miss what was, more than I anticipate what is to come. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and yoga intentions xx