Have you ever gone through a period in your life where nothing is as it “should” be, yet you feel perfectly at peace? Yeah, I’m there.
Everything is confused and perfectly in place at the same time. My ideas of love, family, my future, my health, and even my religious views are changing (BIG aspects of my life dude), and normally in times of change, I lose my freakin’ skittles. I really love constants and routine, but right now, I am at peace with not knowing where my life will be a year from now. I am okay with the idea of “failing,” or possibly falling short of my best option. I am not afraid of regret, and that is a phenomenon I have never experienced.
I spent nearly three years of my life planning; doing what was “right,” stressing out when I was “wrong,” and trying desperately to always be pulled together. I’m not sure if it’s the yoga or my careless 20’s speaking, but ain’t nobody got time for that. Life is too short to stifle myself out of fear that I could be wrong.
Yes, everything is a hot mess, and I could come to regret so many things; but I am happy, and that’s really all that matters…right?
Lucy Loves Life… and quotations marks around words that have too many meanings xx
Don’t run. You will be successful in everything you work for.
Today I am kind of feeling the stress that comes with school, relationships, and work. Everything is at a crossroads at the moment, and that is always a very scary place to be in. I am the kind of person who likes to know everything, and right now, I am at a place where I know nothing… But that’s okay.
Today, I will pop on my yoga pants, check out my bum in the mirror, and remind myself that I have yet to truly fail. I work extremely hard, and so far, I have seen the reward of that. I have yet to drop my GPA, I would like to think the people in my life are happy (as far as I can control), and I haven’t lacked for anything, ever.
Today, I feel a bit scared to look a month in advance; but I need to remind myself that I am brains, booty, and beauty, and there is nothing I can’t do.
Lucy Loves Life…and yoga pants xx
P.S. My yoga intentions can sound a bit confident and sometimes a little arrogant; but I think true arrogance comes from people who don’t talk themselves up enough in their inner-monologue. I spend loads of time beating myself up, and it’s not working…So maybe telling myself I am thebomb.com will…who knows?
I took a stroll down memory lane (old tweets) to show my little sister a hilarious drunk tweet from a party I went to in the summer of 2013. I acknowledged what a wonderful role model I am, found the tweet, we laughed, and life was good…but I also found an unexpected moment of nostalgia.
I was reminded that the summer of 2013 was of one of the most beautiful/special times in my life. This was the case for many reasons (new friends, parties, traveling…), but the most obvious reason, was him. I was madly in love, I believed I had found my soul mate (barf), and every day was my own little fairy tale.
It was very bittersweet to see just how in love I was.
I have gotten to a place in life where I’m not even sure if love like that is real; but that summer, I believed it with all of my heart, and I miss those times. Not so much the love, but the belief that fairy tales happen. I miss a time when love and relationships weren’t just some formula of personality and attachment theory (psych problems) turned into lifetime partnership.
I see love in a very pragmatic, often skeptical way. Looking at our love with my knowledge of people kind of made it easier to lose and move on from it. When I got into dissecting our personalities, I realized we don’t have the right formula, it all makes sense, and life goes on.
But last night, that’s not what I saw. My 2013 Twitter feed wasn’t full of a girl looking to dissect anything… It was full of a girl that was counting down the days until her love came home from France, reminiscing on the beginning of their first trip together as the best day of her life, and dreading the idea of going back to her house, because her home and her happiness became wherever he was. It flooded my mind with the memories, both significant and mundane, but all wonderful.
I see so much beauty in people that fall into the right formula, and experience the phenomena of love. With as many odds as there are, love that ticks every box manages to happen every day, and I have to appreciate that.
For myself, it seems dismal. The more I learn about how people operate, the scarier it is to trust someone with my heart without a full psychological evaluation and a thorough diagnostic of our compatibility (only slightly joking here).
But this morning, I woke up with a new perspective.
I know how many different ways it can go wrong, I know how hard it is for people to truly live happily ever after, and I have read all of the case studies that break romance down to a science… but I want someone to come along and make me believe in fairy tales again. I don’t want case studies, I want magic. I want a love that makes no sense to me, a love I can’t dissect. I want the part of love that science has yet to figure out because it’s so irrational and so against the formula, and somehow it manages to work. I want my beautiful.
I want to believe in more than just the idea of it… I want to know it’s real.
“Also, this is painfully honest, but I would rather tell you than my blog: I have done things I dont think I would’ve ever dreamed of had we stayed together. Not because you held me back, but because I loved you too much and I thought more of you than I thought of myself. I thought you were the most amazing person I had ever met, and it kept me from meeting myself (corny, I know). I am extremely proud of everything I have done, but that doesn’t change the fact that I do miss you quite often. Not even romantically, because I do think I’ve learned too much to fall back into that easily… But there are times when I miss the best friend aspect. I miss how effortlessly I could love you, and in a world where I doubt everyone and everything, that’s easy to miss. I am happy, and I hope this doesn’t come off as overly sappy or emotional, because it’s not meant to be anything but honest.”
Lucy Loves Life…and messages that never made it xx
Well guys, life has been good. So good, that I may have slightly run out of sappy, soap box type, inspirational post. Like I mentioned in my last post, some of my best writing comes in times of sadness and growth. Because I am currently over-the-moon happy…I have no real pull to write one of my Lucy-esque type blog post, but instead, I will share with you why it is that I am so happy.
Reason I am happy number 1: I am home with my family.
As you all know, I was away from home for about a month, and in that time I truly got to appreciate just how wonderful my family is. We step on each others toes, it’s ALWAYS loud, and sometimes the very thing I love about them all, kind of makes me homicidal…But we are a family. When we gather around the table on Friday night and mention each other in prayer, before sitting down for a family meal, I am reminded of just how fortunate I am. When I wake up to a delicious (and low carb because she is that considerate) breakfast made by my mother, I am reminded of how fortunate I am. Even the sound of my siblings shouting at each other as they argue over the television makes me feel just a bit more grateful.
They drive me up the freakin’ wall 90% of the time.. but after being away for a month, all I can think about is the fact that this won’t last forever. One day I’ll be far from home wishing we could all meet around the table, craving some of my mom’s random egg concoction that she makes me every morning, and when I sit in my very first apartment that is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, I’ll miss the chaos that was “tv time.”
I am a very fortunate girl. On top of all the other blessings I have been given, I also have five people who are always ready to smother me in love with a splash of insanity.
Reason I am happy number 2: My love life looks less like a horror flick.
As a matter of fact, it’s kind of starting to look more like one of those movies Nicholas Sparks wrote while he was PMSing/MANS-truating (sorry Nick).
But in all seriousness, we are great, and life is bright. Our little break in the action helped us grow as people, and in a weird way, together. We have had some serious heart-to-heart conversations over the last couple of days, and even the heated ones (I am very passionate when I argue) have just given me more reason to believe that he is the one…my one.
We are both terribly aware of how quickly things can change and just go completely wrong… but I’d like to think about what happens if it doesn’t. We have stayed madly in love against the odds associated with an ocean between us, young love in general, and a break up. If we can get through that, I’m willing to take my chances with the rest.
I was fortunate enough to learn the lessons I did from being apart, without actually losing my first love. That may change, but for now…I’ve got butterflies…and right or wrong, I am grateful for it.
Reason I am happy number 3: I’m meeting my goals
At the beginning of the last school year, I was really down on myself. After four years of homeschooling, I was terrified to begin my first year of college. I was convinced that I was no longer the hardworking smart girl, but instead the average, just enough effort to not fail girl…and the average girl I had become wasn’t going to be able to study abroad or be accepted into big fancy schools in other parts of the world.
Well, somewhere a long the line, I proved myself wrong. I am now through my first year of college, with a 4.0 GPA, and a recent induction into the honors society. That has opened doors that I would have never imagine possible. With a little help from the big man, a little faith in myself, and A LOT of hard work…I became the smart girl version of myself that I thought was lost forever.
I went from being a beaten puppy who was terrified to dream big, to an honors student who took those big scary dreams, and turned them into big, attainable goals. With as much work and growing as it required from myself, I am grateful, because I couldn’t have actually done this all on my own.
I am so very fortunate it makes running out of awesome things to write about worth it (almost). But I will be back at it this weekend, as my happiness has inspired just a few, I’m so thankful, type writings.
Thank you all for reading, as you are all something I am grateful for as well.