Mediocre is Just as Scary as Extraordinary


After my post yesterday, I realized that one of the reasons my “destiny” is often better than my plans, is because I very rarely give myself enough credit. Everything that is coming to me now was once a dream I discarded as unrealistic at some point in my life; the school, the guy, the place…all of it.

Columbia has been my dream since I was 13 years old, the guy has been my dream since I was 16 years old, and the place has been my dream since I was so young, I can’t even remember what age I was. Unfortunately, somewhere after my 17th birthday, I decided to settle for what I thought I deserved.

17 year old me had excuses for why I would never be good enough for my dreams.

“Columbia wouldn’t take a home-schooled kid, I am not the glistening picture of what an ivy league student looks like on paper, so I guess some local college will have to do. A guy like him doesn’t fall in love with a girl like me. I am a bit chubby, quite awkward, and far from the being equal to his modelesque appearance and dazzling life; I guess I’ll just settle for whoever will love me. I’ll never make it to New York or even London. I mean, how could I? Not smart enough to go to school there, not capable enough to get a job there, so I guess this little town is it.”

Over the last couple of days, I have began to realize that my compromises (the boy, the school, the place) have completely fallen apart.

He has moved on and found his equal, I am bored to tears with the ease of my current college situation, and I feel totally out of place here. As I look back at my blog and old journal entries, I realize that in the process of clinging to my compromises, I stumbled across my dreams, and I can honestly say it was all an accident. I achieved all of these things to prove to the boy, the school, and the place which I settled for, that I was good enough for them.

The life I settled for was easy. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted, and venturing outside of that is scary. However, my compromises were not all bad; I did fall in to what I thought was love, I did make some friends, I proved to myself that I am capable, and I did find some happiness. What I didn’t do was realize that even the things I settled for could go wrong, and settling isn’t actually safe or easy. Just because he and it weren’t everything I dreamed of, didn’t mean he and it would always be there and make me happy.

All of that to say, Columbia is staring me in the face, that man’s life is falling perfectly into mine, with no effort, and that place made me feel alive again, as I could taste the reality of calling it home. It is all becoming real so quickly; it’s a bit scary.

I have finally realized that mediocre is just as scary as extraordinary. I am better than I gave myself credit for and given the choice, I choose the wonderful accidents in my life over the compromises made thinking I didn’t deserve them.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and all of it’s accidents xx 

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Dismissing Warwick: Contract With Reality


Dismissing Warwick is yet another form of closure. When we were together, I dreamed of being in the same place, like a normal couple. After we split, I held on to the idea that we were soul mates damned by distance. At some point after that, I began to realize the latter was not so, and it was irrational to ever think that was the truth. There are many reasons we didn’t work out. At first, that was something I was bitter about, but now it gives me the motivation to decline what was once my dream.

I know there is no love there, we’ve both moved on, and I think he’ll probably be relieved/indifferent to know I’m going to decline; but none of that actually makes it easier to finally walk away from something I loved and worked for over the last couple of years.

I’ve told myself a million times that I would NEVER take him back, and rationally, I am completely sure of that. Yet, declining makes me really come to grips with the fact that this will not have some fairy tale ending. We won’t have that magical love story where two high school sweethearts fall in love, are tragically torn apart by distance, date other people and accept that it’s over, then magically run into each other’s arms at Heathrow (I’ve watched Love Actually an unhealthy amount of times) and carry on to their happily ever after. It’s all very conflicting.

Declining this offer makes reality set in. It makes me realize that everything I thought about us was wrong. For the longest time I thought we were this once and a lifetime kind of love and that was worth fighting for. Turns out, we were just another set of foolish teenagers. There was no magic or soul mate type love, just two young people looking for a temporary high.

That is not to say that it wasn’t enjoyable, and I guess at this point, that’s all that matters; but declining that offer makes it clear that nearly three years of thinking I was in love with someone in an extraordinary way, will end in a semi-fond memory that will eventually fade, nothing life changing.

In reality, I know where I belong, what I should be doing, and who I belong with. Everything I’ve been thinking as I prepare for this are things I accepted and dealt with ages ago.

But there is something about officially declining, that makes it all real, a sort of contract with reality. It’s one thing to acknowledge it in my head, it’s another thing to see a dream I had for so long, attached to a person I wanted standing next to me when it came true, and deciding to just completely cut it off and not think twice about it.

I don’t feel heartache, I’m not angry or even emotional, and in a way I am ready to move beyond this glimmer of irrational thought; but something still makes this difficult, and I’m not sure if it’s my hatred for changing plans or a real disappointment I need to deal with (or both).

What do you guys think? Does this even make sense?

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life…and eventually studying in the UK xx

NYC: A Nice Reminder

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Last Monday, I left New York. Last Monday I got in the taxi to head to the airport with butterflies in my stomach. I had fallen madly in love on so many levels, but on every level, there were my dreams. 

Being home, it is so easy to forget what I am working so hard to accomplish; so much so, that the idea of settling down and just accepting the state of comfort I live my life in now, didn’t seem so bad.

 It had been so long since I had last felt butterflies, that I was beginning to forget just how wonderful and worth the risk they really are. New York taught me that the tingling in your stomach and that smile on your face don’t just come from falling in love with a guy, because there is more to that.

Yes, the guy part is great, but I fell in love with Columbia University, I fell in love with the city, I fell in love with what could happen if I just put all of my efforts into making my dreams a reality.

The most important; I fell in love with never settling. Those butterflies? I need them. They drive me to be better, to accomplish things I wouldn’t normally think possible, and they make life worth living.

It took a weekend trip to find my butterflies, but I did.

I wake up every day working back to that place; with him, with them, with that school, with that city, with the place that I feel fulfilled in a way that will never let me fall into ‘just comfortable’ ever again.

My next post I will bombard you all with pictures and random descriptions with my adventures; but for now, I am enjoying the rejuvenation that came with my weekend away.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and New York butterflies xx 

The Biggest Adventure and 95 Year Old Lucy Approves

So, I’ve done something bold…

I booked myself a weekend trip to New York. 204437_207397269292755_5280150_o

I have done loads of traveling, and even been to New York,  but this is the first time I have planned a trip, paid for it, and plan to execute said plans completely on my own. On top of that, I planned this trip to happen towards the end of the semester and in the middle of moving houses. Have I completely lost it? Yeah, probably…but I need this.

Remember that post where I was boo-hooing at the state of my stagnant, dull life and reminiscing on what used to be? Remember how I said I needed a solution? Well, this is it.

For the last year-ish, I have worried more about surviving than thriving. To an extent, I had to. I started college and with that comes loads of responsibility and the need to find security and well being. But somewhere in the last year-ish, I lost the balance. I let myself become so consumed with “what-if’s” and big girl dilemmas, that I let myself forget that I am 20 and will never be this carefree again. 

I have spent so long worrying about tuition, credit card bills, and how many material things I could buy, that I have forgotten what is most important; living my life and not letting it live me. 

So, this trip is slightly terrifying. It’s expensive, it’s totally new, and it’s right in the middle of all of my grown up responsibilities; but there is so much more to life than that. When I am on my death bed some day, I won’t look back and care that I never maxed out my credit card, I won’t remember that one assignment I didn’t have time for (don’t worry, there will be extra credit lol), and I won’t remember those random material things…

But I am pretty sure I will always remember the first time I threw myself in the middle of New York City by myself, for myself. I will remember the laughs shared with the few friends I have there, and the experience of navigating that big, beautiful city on my own.

So my credit card may get a little stretched, I may not leave my room perfectly unpacked, and I may very well have to do A LOT of extra-credit. Thats okay, because at the end of the day, 95 year old Lucy approves, and that’s all that matters.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and Big Apple adventures xx