Sun-Kissed Face and Wild Hair

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”
Steve Maraboli

I usually hide behind the comforts of makeup, I know what to wear to accentuate what I like and hide what I don’t, and I usually go through desperate measures to tame my wild (and I mean WILD) curls; but not yesterday.

Yesterday, I felt really beautiful. I was wearing a bathing suit for part of the day and yoga clothes for the other, with my hair fresh out of the pool in all of its wildness, and nothing but a bit of sun-kissed color on my face.  It was all very simple and extremely low maintenance, and yet, it’s the prettiest I’ve felt in a while.

Realistically, I spend a lot of time dressed up, with make up on fleek (whatever that means), and everything from my hair to my shoes need to be perfect; but yesterday, I felt unapologetically myself, with no need to hide, and it’s been a while since I felt so beautiful.

Yesterday, I was carefree, happy, and completely unafraid of being exactly who I am. There is no better feeling in the world than believing I am enough, flaws and all, and feeling as if I am beautiful without “help.”

Why was it so freeing? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just a beach bum disguised in a pencil skirt, and I should consider moving to an island somewhere…

Or maybe it’s time to realizing that hiding behind things that make me feel beautiful, actually do the opposite, and I should take it as a lesson to accept who I am and stop apologizing for what I’m not…

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and the word “fleek” xx 

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Dismissing Warwick: Contract With Reality


Dismissing Warwick is yet another form of closure. When we were together, I dreamed of being in the same place, like a normal couple. After we split, I held on to the idea that we were soul mates damned by distance. At some point after that, I began to realize the latter was not so, and it was irrational to ever think that was the truth. There are many reasons we didn’t work out. At first, that was something I was bitter about, but now it gives me the motivation to decline what was once my dream.

I know there is no love there, we’ve both moved on, and I think he’ll probably be relieved/indifferent to know I’m going to decline; but none of that actually makes it easier to finally walk away from something I loved and worked for over the last couple of years.

I’ve told myself a million times that I would NEVER take him back, and rationally, I am completely sure of that. Yet, declining makes me really come to grips with the fact that this will not have some fairy tale ending. We won’t have that magical love story where two high school sweethearts fall in love, are tragically torn apart by distance, date other people and accept that it’s over, then magically run into each other’s arms at Heathrow (I’ve watched Love Actually an unhealthy amount of times) and carry on to their happily ever after. It’s all very conflicting.

Declining this offer makes reality set in. It makes me realize that everything I thought about us was wrong. For the longest time I thought we were this once and a lifetime kind of love and that was worth fighting for. Turns out, we were just another set of foolish teenagers. There was no magic or soul mate type love, just two young people looking for a temporary high.

That is not to say that it wasn’t enjoyable, and I guess at this point, that’s all that matters; but declining that offer makes it clear that nearly three years of thinking I was in love with someone in an extraordinary way, will end in a semi-fond memory that will eventually fade, nothing life changing.

In reality, I know where I belong, what I should be doing, and who I belong with. Everything I’ve been thinking as I prepare for this are things I accepted and dealt with ages ago.

But there is something about officially declining, that makes it all real, a sort of contract with reality. It’s one thing to acknowledge it in my head, it’s another thing to see a dream I had for so long, attached to a person I wanted standing next to me when it came true, and deciding to just completely cut it off and not think twice about it.

I don’t feel heartache, I’m not angry or even emotional, and in a way I am ready to move beyond this glimmer of irrational thought; but something still makes this difficult, and I’m not sure if it’s my hatred for changing plans or a real disappointment I need to deal with (or both).

What do you guys think? Does this even make sense?

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life…and eventually studying in the UK xx

Just Wait and You’ll Never Have to Wonder

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“Sometimes you have to just let life happen and keep your eye out for that one person that you just keep running into. Some of the most incredible relationships come from that one friend who turned into something more. When you find that one person, who through relationships, careers, and personal matters always find their way back to you; that one person who can always make you laugh… that’s when nothing else matters. You don’t have to ask if they’re in love with you, you don’t have to ask if they like you as a person, and you don’t have to wonder if you two are meant to be; because when you get to a certain place where it all lines up and the time is right… you just know. Why else would he be there? Just be patient,  I waited 50 years for it.

 -Anonymously one of the wisest women I know

Much Love,

Lucy Loves Life…and amazing advice xx  

The Beauty of Uncertainty

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“She was lost in her longing to understand.”
—Gabriel Garcia Marquez 

I can sit here and theorize about what he feels and doesn’t feel, I can question myself on whether or not he truly loved me (or even knows what love is), and I can try to attach his life to every psychological theory I learn about. I can hate him for what he is, what he was brought up to be, and all of the things I can’t understand about him… or…I can remember that at one point, I loved him for all of it.

I can acknowledge that he did love me the best way he knows how, and though it may have never been “real love“, he gave me the best of what he understands it to be.

There are times I really wish I could go back and undo it. Loving someone who can never love you back is heartbreaking; there is no painless way out. However, I also remember that no matter how malicious his actions seem, they were not necessarily intentional. You see, hurt people, hurt other people, and he hurts the ones he loves the most.

“Each man kills the thing he loves.” -Oscar Wilde

As I seek to make sense out of the coldness of my mended heart, and the warmth of our life together in photos… I can choose to be lost and angry, in my lack of understanding; or I can admit that I don’t have all of the answers, and see that it hurt because I was the one he loved the most.

I’ve become perfectly content with getting lost in the beauty of uncertainty and only truly knowing one thing; sometimes love means being hurt by someone and empathizing for them even when you can’t understand it all yourself. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and the understanding that I’ll never understand xx

You Made Me Better

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“It has made me better loving you … it has made me wiser, and easier, and brighter. I used to want a great many things before, and to be angry that I did not have them. Theoretically, I was satisfied. I flattered myself that I had limited my wants. But I was subject to irritation; I used to have morbid sterile hateful fits of hunger, of desire. Now I really am satisfied, because I can’t think of anything better.”

-Henry James

The idea of “normal” or “average” terrified me, I always wanted bigger and better…until he became my normal; the biggest and the best.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and normal with him xx

Keep This Love in a Photograph

” We keep this love in a photograph, we made these memories for ourselves. Where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken, and time’s forever frozen still. And if you hurt me, that’s okay baby, only words bleed. Inside these pages you just hold me…  ” – Photograph by Ed Sheeran 

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I can look back and question what was genuine and what was not, but in this photo, that smile… it doesn’t get more genuine than that.

It’s been bothering me how insignificant our relationship has felt, especially in feeling the good memories (because, ya know…I can’t just leave well enough alone). As I sat around the other day and went through all of my old photos, I realized how grateful I am, that despite numerous people suggesting it, I did not completely delete every photo of him or us.

Those photos are the only thing I have that remind me of that time in my life. A lot of his belongings and written professions of love have lost their value to me, as I question what was real and what it even felt like…but those photos…they don’t need to be felt or even remembered, they just offer proof that at one point, I thought he loved me, and we were happy about it. They remind me that even though I can’t feel him anymore, his embrace used to be my idea of home, and you can see that in the comfort of my body language and the genuine smile on my face.

Photos tend to freeze some of the best parts of life.  Like the last picture we took together, you can’t see the pain or the confusion that was happening in that moment, only two people that were heartbroken at the idea of letting go. You can’t see selfishness, mind games, heartache, or any of the other things that have caused me to wipe us from my emotional memory; and as I desperately try to keep that part of my life from insignificance,  it’s nice to still have our good moments frozen in time.

I can’t say that this means I look back fondly, or that I even feel anything worth mentioning again, but the version of me posing in every one of those pictures knew what it felt like to love and be loved by him. Even though I can’t feel it or even assume it was genuine, I can see it, and that’s all I need to keep from feeling oblivious to the fact that it happened.

My advice to anyone going through the same thing; Don’t do yourself the disservice of erasing a major part of your life just because it hurt in the end. You didn’t burn the photo your mom took of you face planting off your tricycle at three years old, so why would you delete every memory of your face plant of a relationship? They’re both memories, and sometimes those pictures are the only we have left.