I Have Given Everything

I feel like I’m going through a part of my life where I just want to crawl into a cave, be selfish, and come back out when I’m ready to be a functioning member of society.

The last couple of days have been extremely taxing on my emotions, and I need a break from being there for everyone. Even those that love me exhaust my emotions, and they don’t even know it. At this point in time, I need someone to give to me. I need someone to give me time, comfort, advice, affection, and conversation; all of the things I feel drained of. I need someone to make me talk about myself and my feelings, because I feel trapped. I need someone to care about me the way I care about them.

Notice how I said “care” and not “love.” I have loads of people that love me, but I need someone that cares. A friend, a boyfriend, a cat… I’m not even particular anymore. I need to be alone with someone who lets me just be. I am tired of talking about things that dont interest me to make people feel better, I am tired of faking laughs because I dont want to hurt anyones feelings, and I’m tired of giving people what they want to know about me while they leave behind all the pieces that matter.

I am there for people in some of their rawest moments, and I spend my days letting them know that everything will be okay. My family, my friends, and my “clients” (for lack of a better word). Everyone wants something from me, but lately, nobody has given anything back.

I feel overwhelmed, discarded, and selfish.  I feel like I want someone to walk into my room, see me in the terrible state that I’m in at the moment, and give me everything they have like I’d do for them. I want someone to make me talk about myself until it all makes sense.

I would never give myself with the expectation of getting something back every time, but today, I am spent. I have given everything, and I am tired. I am going to crawl into a metaphorical cave and rejuvenate. I need peace. I need to feel whole.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and silence xx 

Advertisements

Everything and Nothing

I am at the place where I feel like I know everything and nothing.

I have figured out my past relationship… Mistakes made, our personalities, many lessons of what I want and don’t want (but mainly don’t want), and it all makes sense now. In a way, I am at peace; yet I have found myself uneasy in a new relationship… I dont know what to expect. I don’t know how to feel, I don’t know which differences are good and which are bad, and I really have no idea what I am doing or what to expect.

No one mentioned the aftermath of healing from a heartbreak where you no longer act while comparing to the past relationship.

It’s literally as if I am entering my very first relationship, again.

 

Does this make sense? Or do I sound as confused as I actually am?

Much Love,

Lucy Loves Life…and sappy songs that make sense of life xx

A Dodged Bullet and a Mended Heart

IMG_0012
Who needs makeup when your happiness is flawless?!

People say that heartbreak is one of those things that only heals over time. I took that to mean that heartache slips away slowly but surely, and I could not have been anymore wrong. I was expecting it to gradually get better and often found myself discouraged at how fresh the hurt felt a year later.

I felt so crushed at the fact that my heart hurt just as much this year as it did last year. I just couldn’t stop crying at the thought that the feeling of hurt wasn’t fading, at all. I thought that the lack of fading meant that I hadn’t even really begun to heal, and that was daunting. How could this go on for any longer?!

Anyway, long story short, I had some pretty intense revelations. Remember how I said being a hopeless romantic and a psych major was a recipe for disaster? Well, I was wrong (again). Because having psychologist for friends and a pretty good understanding of relationships on an in depth level, made me realize something…. He is not my one! He is not perfect for me! He didn’t want me! And without putting a label on him, I dodged a bullet! I dodged a massive freakin bullet, people!

And it was just like that… the butterflies I felt when his name popped up on my phone, the bittersweet feeling when looking at our pictures, the memories that taunted me…gone! All gone! The pain didn’t fade, it hurt like a mother trucker and then disappeared without any warning.

I look at the things that made me cry and try to trigger some emotion, and it’s not there! I look back at our memories and I don’t feel anything negative. I do wish I would’ve been a little smarter, but that’s about it. I am happy guys! Like, really freakin happy! 

I’m not looking to replace him, I don’t want to cry at the thought of our lasts, quite frankly, I don’t care! My feelings are so neutral. I dont love him, but I dont want to blow up his car either. I have the same emotions for him that I have for some random person on the street. We can share some light-hearted chat, I have nothing against him, I dont wish any bad upon him, but my life doesn’t consider his at all. Granted, somewhere in my distant memory, I remember he was special to me, but the point is, he’s not anymore…and I couldn’t be any happier about that. 

So maybe when they say that time heals, they mean it will hurt for an undisclosed amount of time and then just disappear all at once. One life changing realization, a bonfire for all of his belongings (which is a huge step for me), and some friends to work through the details…you will wake up one day with a mended heart. 

I’m not saying it is that way for everyone, but if you are sitting around wondering why it still hurts like it all went in flames yesterday, be encouraged. You could be like me and just wake up feeling ecstatically happy and free of your heartache for what seems to be no apparent reason.

I feel so free. This pain I had been running from for the last year is gone, and no matter what I do to trigger it, it’s not coming back! I feel whole again.

I hope this offered someone encouragement. The hurt doesn’t last forever, even when it feels like it will.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and waking up with a mended heart xx 

Vulnerability, Tears, and Resolutions, OH MY!

I have become a total dork for TED Talks, especially in my chosen major, psychology. This particular one? This one brought tears to my eyes and clarity to my mind.

In this video, Brown discusses her research on vulnerability and how it provokes feelings such as doubt, shame, and sadness. She carries on to say, that though vulnerability provokes negative feelings, it is also responsible for positive feelings such as, happiness, love, courage, and gratitude. 

Brown then discusses the downside to this revelation; people tend to avoid vulnerability like the plague. Brown explains that when a person decides to not feel the negative aspects of vulnerability , they also numb the positive, more beautiful aspects of it. When this happens, a person can lose their purpose, which makes them feel more vulnerable, and a sick the cycle begins. Vulnerable, numb, vulnerable, more numb….

Brown even suggest that we place this fear of vulnerability on our own children, to which she stresses that parents should consider removing phrases like “she’s so perfect” from their vocabulary, and instead saying things like “you are imperfect and wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

All of this information hit me like a ton of bricks. Last week, as I prepared to bring in the new year, I was beyond sad and depressed, and I couldn’t figure out why. I am right where I want to be in life, yet, I found and still find myself in a constant state of unhappiness. I haven’t been truly happy since Shlomo and I were madly in love, and because I’ve pretty much wrapped my mind around the end of us, I couldn’t understand why it was still taunting me. This TED Talk slapped me in the face with my answer;

I wasn’t allowing myself to feel out of fear that I would once again experience the pain of missing and loving him. 

Brown makes mention of the way modern Americans drown out their sorrow, in an attempt to not feel anything more than what has become socially acceptable. My method for avoiding the pain? Staying busy, ALL.OF. THE. TIME.

could see very early on that the people around me (minus my mother) had very little patience for my grief. From hateful people that came across my blog, to the people I called friends, family, and even the boy I loved at the time… words like “crazy ex-girlfriend,” “clingy,” and “you’re so desperate” ran through my mind as it left their lips. I knew for the sake of preserving relationships, it was time to get over it… So I did. I went to the gym for 2-3 hours a day, I studied and volunteered myself for any and everything school related, I worked as many hours as possible, and I kept friends around for the sole purpose of staying distracted. 

Naturally, I accomplished quite a bit… a slimmer body, a 4.0 GPA, a resume FILLED with extra curricular activities, and maybe a few new shiny things my hard work bought me..But I could feel that something was missing. On December 31st, I looked back, and all I could remember feeling that year was unbearable sadness and heartache or nothing at all, there was no in-between. I began a cycle that Brown implied was a numb cycle. I didn’t want to feel him, but at 20 years old, I still needed a purpose in life, and there my cycle of avoiding vulnerability began; leaving me successful, and miserable. The sad thing is, I couldn’t figure it out, until Shlomo sparked up a conversation and pulled me out of that numb cycle.

Our conversation and this Ted Talk made me realize why I correlated him with my happiness…

Brown’s solutions for breaking the numb cycle included:

  1. Letting yourself be seen, truly and deeply
  2. Loving with all of your heart with no guarantees
  3. Practicing gratitude and joy in times of terror when your mind is thinking “Can I love you this much or believe in this so passionately?” 
  4. Believing you are enough

That list made me realize that Shlomo pulled me out of my numb cycle because even though we’ve been apart for a year, he is still the only person in this world that I have been 100% vulnerable with. I let him see every part of me, even the ugly bits of my mind that made other people cringe. Being with him allowed me to love someone wholeheartedly without any concern about the end or heartbreak. I have never been more happy to trust someone with my heart and soul then I was with Shlomo. He gave me the assurance Brown suggested parents give their children…We both knew I wasn’t perfect, but he gave me love and belonging anyway; because of that, I was enough for myself and the world.

I cannot explain how relieved I am. I am not doomed to be miserable, I am not still madly in love with him, and I no longer feel the need to apologize for what I feel. All of the things I was terrified of being reality, have just come into focus as terrible side effects of numbing my own vulnerability. 

So you know what my biggest new years resolution is? To not be afraid of who I am and what I feel. I loved that boy dearly, and when he got a new girl, it crushed me, it still kind of hurts to think he could replace me as I struggle to do the same, but that’s okay. Missing him even though he’s completely moved on, does not make me weak or a “crazy ex-girlfriend,” it makes me human. Being scared of applying to Ivy League schools and eventually leaving home does not make me neurotic or high maintenance, it makes me real. Showing emotions that aren’t always pretty doesn’t make me a nuisance, it makes me stronger…

It is time to do for myself what Shlomo once did for me. It is time to love everything about myself. I. AM. ENOUGH. It’s time for me to allow myself to feel everything and be who I am without shame, because in the words of Brown…

” To feel this vulnerable means I am alive.” 

Thanks for reading guys. I hope you enjoyed this random epiphany as much as I did. I’m going to go wipe the tears (of happiness) out of my eyes, but while I do that, feel free to let me know… Does this apply to you? Are you too guarded? Do you have that person you can be vulnerable with? 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and TED Talks xx