Soul Searching

The last couple of days have reminded me of why I love psychology enough to spend the next ten years studying it. Being able to see just how resilient and powerful the mind is in ways we can’t always see is inspiring.


The mind holds on to thoughts that appear as they choose, yet those thoughts are still a part of us.


I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and it could just be the sugar withdraws speaking, but it has been turbulent. I’ve been faced with a lot of my fears that I thought I was far beyond, and answers I wasn’t even looking for. Thoughts that have always been my own are just now appearing to me, and dealing with them can be tough. I have had to face my fears of being hurt in ways I never would’ve imagined I could fear pain. I have had answers on how I choose who I choose years after we split, and been able to redirect my need for that dysfunction.

I am growing. Between being a constant over thinker and obsessed with psychology, I am always thinking and tweaking my life. I feel fortunate to have the ability to analyze my life and see where I went wrong. Most people don’t see what I have until it’s just too late and they’re married to someone who is all wrong for their true selves, and maybe even slightly miserable. So I’m glad I’m only twenty, and I’m glad it’s only taken one true heartbreak to get me to the core of figuring out what and who makes me tick or crumble.

I’m sorry this is all so vague, I have an anonymous blog for the gory details; but I figured I have let you all come a long for this ride called my life through all of my ups and downs for a year, I might as well make you aware of this moment of crazy. I am evolving, and as flowery as that sounds, it is a very emotionally confusing time, and I am just taking the thoughts as they come.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and cliché amounts of soul searching xx

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Medical School, Exs, and 61 Thoughts

I feel weird, and because I feel weird, I have been unable to blog. I have written nearly five entries in the last two weeks, but they’re either too honest for this blog, or too scatterbrained, so they just get saved as I move on. I haven’t even been writing in my journal, because my thoughts are just that random. The only problem is, I hate not writing, and it’s driving me mad…so I’m resorting to bullet points. Yup, bullet points of all my random thoughts;

Morning:

  1. I want to be a psychiatrist
  2. I miss school because I hate working 9-5
  3. I miss yoga and having free time
  4. At least this busy-ness is practice for medical school
  5. Sh*t, medical school
  6. I’m going to be in school until I’m in my 30’s
  7. What school do I want to go to for medicine? Wait, I haven’t even gone into my last two years of undergrad, calm down.
  8. How will I have a life? I’m going to be a REALLY old mom.
  9. Could I have a husband and children while doing my residency?
  10. No.
  11. Maybe.
  12. It’s a good thing Mr. Old and I broke up.
  13. He could never be married to a medical student.
  14. Have I eaten today?
  15. No, I’m not in the mood for fish.
  16. But yeah, the Lucy that loved Mr. Old would not be VP of scholarship, running for international VP, heading to Columbia, or even thinking about practicing psychiatry.
  17. Or modeling
  18. I ate way too much when we we’re together
  19. Why don’t we have a Byron in America?
  20. Dude, I should work out.

Afternoon:

  1. Lol, jk, I’m at work.
  2. I have to go to that open call before school starts
  3. You are pretty enough
  4. Go eat some broccoli
  5. I really love the Whole30
  6. Mainly because it makes me feel good
  7. I love how easy life is with Mr. New
  8. He would rub my feet after a long day of school.
  9. He inspires my greatness.
  10. You should marry a guy like that, right?
  11. What if medical school ruins my love life.
  12. Oh well, I’ll hug my patients.
  13. Let’s see how they did it on Grey’s Anatomy
  14. Wait, I have a meeting to go to
  15. I’m going to be late…to.my.own.meeting.
  16. But first, I need that pink toothbrush.
  17. It’ll take five minutes.
  18. I’m the worst leader ever.
  19. Just kidding, that plan is brilliant.
  20. And so are my teeth.
  21. They’re all excited to manage my campaign, score.
  22. Let’s go see Mr. New, I need food.
  23. I need to play Beyonce all the way to his place, because that meeting has me feeling like a “Diva.”
  24. Imma, a diva.

Evening

  1. He made dinner.
  2. He could totally love me through medical school.
  3. Oh wait, there is no kale. He’s trying to make me fat.
  4. Could we spend our lives together? I mean, he forgot the kale…but not the potatoes?!
  5. Doesn’t he know models and potatoes don’t mix?
  6. I told him to add the potatoes in the recipe, my bad.
  7. He just opened a can of “let’s talk about the future.”
  8. Geezus. .
  9. I can’t commit to you. I’ve made plans to follow and be followed with someone before.
  10. They stopped following and if we weren’t worth the struggle, no relationship is… don’t you get it?
  11. Relationships should be easy. We are easy now.
  12. What if we’re not easy when I’m pulling all nighters or in a different city?
  13. Am I thinking out of fear?
  14. Stop it, Lucy.
  15. You two work, his plans match your plans; sure, he forgets the kale, but hey, what’s a lack of nutrients amongst love?
  16. Oh, this foot rub doe.
  17. Life may get hectic, but that’s the beauty of it.

So, there you have it, 61 random thoughts I had yesterday. Thank you for reading through my scatterbrained mess, as I couldn’t manage to turn that all into an inspirational tale of ex-boyfriend thoughts and hypothetical medical school meltdowns.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and foot rubs xx 

Hemorrhoid-ish Memories?


You ever have something or someone come into your life to confirm a lesson you’ve spent loads of time trying to learn? Yeah, that happened via this HONY post today.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to embrace the idea that memories, both good and bad, should be embraced, because they’ve “made me who I am today” and all that jazz.

It’s a totally noble concept and I really do try to see the value in that… but when you’d rather remember a hysterectomy without anesthesia/ hemorrhoids on a wooden roller-coaster, than your life with a certain someone(s)… that idea is lost pretty quickly.

Luckily, this post made me realize that even on days when I can’t appreciate what those memories contributed to my life or “made me,” I should continue to be grateful for their existence. Regardless of whether they were the best days of my life, or hemorrhoid-ish; I have them, I can remember them, and I continue to make new ones everyday. That’s not something to take for granted…

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and Humans of New York xx 

I Am Learning

I am learning the ropes all over again, I am learning to trust someone, and I am learning what it means to love, after I swore I never would again. I have stopped living my life as if he is watching. It may have been abandoned, but it is still my life, my heart, and my happiness, regardless of what anyone else has to say of it. I am exploring something new, and sometimes, that scares the shit out of me.

I am taking someone that I held at arm’s length, and letting them see me, all of me, in a way I never thought I’d be able to again. I am learning to trust, because I can’t cling to security at the cost of love. I am learning to believe “I love you,” truly and deeply. I am letting my guard down, and giving someone the power to hurt me, to leave me, and maybe even break me in a way that will take another year to recover from. I can’t be isolated in the fear of pain, it’s too lonely.

This may not last, this may actually hurt quite badly, and I don’t doubt that at some point, tough decisions are going to be made; but I have to live. I have to risk my security and comfort, because I was made to feel and love wholeheartedly.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life….and “someone” xx

Tonight’s Intention: Trust

Today’s intention:

Trust.

I thought I had gotten over the experience of being disappointed; but it dawned on me about a week ago that I treat myself and others, as if it’s only a matter of time before I allow them to hurt me. I expect everyone I love to disappoint me, and I expect that I will only choose to love people that will inevitably hurt me. I’ve done it before, I will do it again, and that’s all I have been able to see. One of the biggest losses I’ve experienced in the last year wasn’t a relationship, but instead, the trust I had in myself to make decisions that would encourage love and happiness.

Tonight, during my sweaty yoga session… I will trust my body to move as it should, and when I walk away, I will focus on trusting my heart and my mind to love and feel as it should.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life…and hot yoga xx

Confused and Perfectly in Place

Have you ever gone through a period in your life where nothing is as it “should” be, yet you feel perfectly at peace? Yeah, I’m there.

Everything is confused and perfectly in place at the same time. My ideas of love, family, my future, my health, and even my religious views are changing (BIG aspects of my life dude), and normally in times of change, I lose my freakin’ skittles.  I really love constants and routine, but right now, I am at peace with not knowing where my life will be a year from now. I am okay with the idea of “failing,” or possibly falling short of my best option. I am not afraid of regret, and that is a phenomenon I have never experienced.

I spent nearly three years of my life planning; doing what was “right,” stressing out when I was “wrong,” and trying desperately to always be pulled together. I’m not sure if it’s the yoga or my careless 20’s speaking, but ain’t nobody got time for that.  Life is too short to stifle myself out of fear that I could be wrong.

Yes, everything is a hot mess, and I could come to regret so many things; but I am happy, and that’s really all that matters…right?

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life… and quotations marks around words that have too many meanings xx

Today’s Intention: Brains, Booty, and Beauty

Today’s yoga intention:

Don’t run. You will be successful in everything you work for. 

Today I am kind of feeling the stress that comes with school, relationships, and work. Everything is at a crossroads at the moment, and that is always a very scary place to be in. I am the kind of person who likes to know everything, and right now, I am at a place where I know nothing… But that’s okay. 

Today, I will pop on my yoga pants, check out my bum in the mirror, and remind myself that I have yet to truly fail. I work extremely hard, and so far, I have seen the reward of that. I have yet to drop my GPA, I would like to think the people in my life are happy (as far as I can control), and I haven’t lacked for anything, ever. 

Today, I feel a bit scared to look a month in advance; but I need to remind myself that I am brains, booty, and beauty, and there is nothing I can’t do. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and yoga pants xx 

P.S. My yoga intentions can sound a bit confident and sometimes a little arrogant; but I think true arrogance comes from people who don’t talk themselves up enough in their inner-monologue. I spend loads of time beating myself up, and it’s not working…So maybe telling myself I am thebomb.com will…who knows?

What A Year Can Change: Going Anoymous

Well, I have officially had this blog for a year, and that’s something I am quite proud of.

As you all know, it has been a very bumpy year. In a short summary; I have accomplished things I never dreamed possible, and still feel a loss I thought would’ve disappeared ages ago. I won’t go into that because I have created a new outlet for that:IMG_3776

Lucy Loves Life will continue as an outlet for the more shallow aspects of my life, while I have created a new blog that will remain anonymous for the sake of sharing my deepest thoughts and ideas.
So why go anonymous?

In the last year, I’ve realized that loads of people have flocked to this blog, and not just random strangers. It’s how my friends, family, and frenemies keep up with my life in a way that I really don’t have much control over. In being honest with my face attached to it, I put myself in a position to give pieces of myself away with nothing in return. People can read what they want of me, and abandon the rest. It feels as if this blog has given people the ability to know about parts of me that I will never see of them, even though we call each other friends.

With my chosen major and volunteer avenues, along with being a daughter, sister, friend, and often times, a confidant… I need my outlets to be about me, for me. My blog has become the only “person” that listens to my deepest thoughts, and I can’t have my face attached to that.

So what will this blog become?

To put it bluntly, Lucy from the exterior. A version of Lucy I am okay with my ex, ex-bestfriends, and grandma seeing. I feel like Lucy Loves Life should be about just that, loving life. I will still write some soapbox articles, but I’d really like to focus on myself from the outside. I want to share my life in a light-hearted fashion, as opposed to the deep thoughts I don’t even share with those closest to me. Does that make sense? I hope so.

Anyway,

I want to thank you all for following me up until this point, you have all made this year and this blog more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. I want to thank all of the supporters, but also the shady commenters who feel the need to tell me how “pathetic” I am, because you both made me stronger. I have enjoyed sharing my deep thoughts, but I am also looking forward to zooming out a bit.

This has been amazing.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… no really, I do xx 

Days Like Today

On days like today, being 20 is exciting, but it is also terrifying.  I understand everyone else, but never myself. Sometimes that is interesting, but when I am trying to make decisions, it’s just scary. Everybody has questions that I can’t answer; sometimes I like the challenge, and at other time I really hate every part of it. On days like today, it all just seems like too much, and I want someone else to know; I want someone I feel okay ‘not knowing’ with.


On a day like today, I feel weak and totally unsure of everything, and I miss having someone to make sense of it all. In a world where I hide every ugly part, it is easy to miss having someone that saw everything… sometimes without explanation. Opening up to someone takes a great amount of effort, and when I feel weak/unsure, I want effortless. I want to let down all of my guards and just be vulnerable, because it’s too much work to hide. Today, I don’t want to be the one who has all the answers; I want someone who knows what to say, to make me ask all of the questions, they have all of the answers to.

That might be unrealistic and a little ridiculous, but I never promised to be rational, not today anyway.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… And feeling like I’ve lost the plot xx