Medical School, Exs, and 61 Thoughts

I feel weird, and because I feel weird, I have been unable to blog. I have written nearly five entries in the last two weeks, but they’re either too honest for this blog, or too scatterbrained, so they just get saved as I move on. I haven’t even been writing in my journal, because my thoughts are just that random. The only problem is, I hate not writing, and it’s driving me mad…so I’m resorting to bullet points. Yup, bullet points of all my random thoughts;

Morning:

  1. I want to be a psychiatrist
  2. I miss school because I hate working 9-5
  3. I miss yoga and having free time
  4. At least this busy-ness is practice for medical school
  5. Sh*t, medical school
  6. I’m going to be in school until I’m in my 30’s
  7. What school do I want to go to for medicine? Wait, I haven’t even gone into my last two years of undergrad, calm down.
  8. How will I have a life? I’m going to be a REALLY old mom.
  9. Could I have a husband and children while doing my residency?
  10. No.
  11. Maybe.
  12. It’s a good thing Mr. Old and I broke up.
  13. He could never be married to a medical student.
  14. Have I eaten today?
  15. No, I’m not in the mood for fish.
  16. But yeah, the Lucy that loved Mr. Old would not be VP of scholarship, running for international VP, heading to Columbia, or even thinking about practicing psychiatry.
  17. Or modeling
  18. I ate way too much when we we’re together
  19. Why don’t we have a Byron in America?
  20. Dude, I should work out.

Afternoon:

  1. Lol, jk, I’m at work.
  2. I have to go to that open call before school starts
  3. You are pretty enough
  4. Go eat some broccoli
  5. I really love the Whole30
  6. Mainly because it makes me feel good
  7. I love how easy life is with Mr. New
  8. He would rub my feet after a long day of school.
  9. He inspires my greatness.
  10. You should marry a guy like that, right?
  11. What if medical school ruins my love life.
  12. Oh well, I’ll hug my patients.
  13. Let’s see how they did it on Grey’s Anatomy
  14. Wait, I have a meeting to go to
  15. I’m going to be late…to.my.own.meeting.
  16. But first, I need that pink toothbrush.
  17. It’ll take five minutes.
  18. I’m the worst leader ever.
  19. Just kidding, that plan is brilliant.
  20. And so are my teeth.
  21. They’re all excited to manage my campaign, score.
  22. Let’s go see Mr. New, I need food.
  23. I need to play Beyonce all the way to his place, because that meeting has me feeling like a “Diva.”
  24. Imma, a diva.

Evening

  1. He made dinner.
  2. He could totally love me through medical school.
  3. Oh wait, there is no kale. He’s trying to make me fat.
  4. Could we spend our lives together? I mean, he forgot the kale…but not the potatoes?!
  5. Doesn’t he know models and potatoes don’t mix?
  6. I told him to add the potatoes in the recipe, my bad.
  7. He just opened a can of “let’s talk about the future.”
  8. Geezus. .
  9. I can’t commit to you. I’ve made plans to follow and be followed with someone before.
  10. They stopped following and if we weren’t worth the struggle, no relationship is… don’t you get it?
  11. Relationships should be easy. We are easy now.
  12. What if we’re not easy when I’m pulling all nighters or in a different city?
  13. Am I thinking out of fear?
  14. Stop it, Lucy.
  15. You two work, his plans match your plans; sure, he forgets the kale, but hey, what’s a lack of nutrients amongst love?
  16. Oh, this foot rub doe.
  17. Life may get hectic, but that’s the beauty of it.

So, there you have it, 61 random thoughts I had yesterday. Thank you for reading through my scatterbrained mess, as I couldn’t manage to turn that all into an inspirational tale of ex-boyfriend thoughts and hypothetical medical school meltdowns.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and foot rubs xx 

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I Am Learning

I am learning the ropes all over again, I am learning to trust someone, and I am learning what it means to love, after I swore I never would again. I have stopped living my life as if he is watching. It may have been abandoned, but it is still my life, my heart, and my happiness, regardless of what anyone else has to say of it. I am exploring something new, and sometimes, that scares the shit out of me.

I am taking someone that I held at arm’s length, and letting them see me, all of me, in a way I never thought I’d be able to again. I am learning to trust, because I can’t cling to security at the cost of love. I am learning to believe “I love you,” truly and deeply. I am letting my guard down, and giving someone the power to hurt me, to leave me, and maybe even break me in a way that will take another year to recover from. I can’t be isolated in the fear of pain, it’s too lonely.

This may not last, this may actually hurt quite badly, and I don’t doubt that at some point, tough decisions are going to be made; but I have to live. I have to risk my security and comfort, because I was made to feel and love wholeheartedly.

Much love,

Lucy Loves Life….and “someone” xx

Almost is Never Enough

“If I would have known that you wanted me, the way I wanted you… Then maybe we wouldn’t be two worlds apart.”

I have to admit, I really hated Ariana Grande…

Then I heard this song.

When I am upset, I remind myself that I have some talent, and I sing. This song has been the perfect outlet for me the last couple of days. As I deal with the stuff in my last post and prepare to make such a bittersweet decision, it helps to be reminded that almost is never enough. I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I have.

Okay…now I am done being emotional. Tomorrow, I’ll update you on the things I am actually really happy about. 🙂

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and now, Ariana Grande too xx 

Days Like Today

On days like today, being 20 is exciting, but it is also terrifying.  I understand everyone else, but never myself. Sometimes that is interesting, but when I am trying to make decisions, it’s just scary. Everybody has questions that I can’t answer; sometimes I like the challenge, and at other time I really hate every part of it. On days like today, it all just seems like too much, and I want someone else to know; I want someone I feel okay ‘not knowing’ with.


On a day like today, I feel weak and totally unsure of everything, and I miss having someone to make sense of it all. In a world where I hide every ugly part, it is easy to miss having someone that saw everything… sometimes without explanation. Opening up to someone takes a great amount of effort, and when I feel weak/unsure, I want effortless. I want to let down all of my guards and just be vulnerable, because it’s too much work to hide. Today, I don’t want to be the one who has all the answers; I want someone who knows what to say, to make me ask all of the questions, they have all of the answers to.

That might be unrealistic and a little ridiculous, but I never promised to be rational, not today anyway.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… And feeling like I’ve lost the plot xx 

Anonymous

“Also, this is painfully honest, but I would rather tell you than my blog: I have done things I dont think I would’ve ever dreamed of had we stayed together. Not because you held me back, but because I loved you too much and I thought more of you than I thought of myself. I thought you were the most amazing person I had ever met, and it kept me from meeting myself (corny, I know). I am extremely proud of everything I have done, but that doesn’t change the fact that I do miss you quite often. Not even romantically, because I do think I’ve learned too much to fall back into that easily… But there are times when I miss the best friend aspect. I miss how effortlessly I could love you, and in a world where I doubt everyone and everything, that’s easy to miss. I am happy, and I hope this doesn’t come off as overly sappy or emotional, because it’s not meant to be anything but honest.”

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and messages that never made it xx 

Just Wait and You’ll Never Have to Wonder

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“Sometimes you have to just let life happen and keep your eye out for that one person that you just keep running into. Some of the most incredible relationships come from that one friend who turned into something more. When you find that one person, who through relationships, careers, and personal matters always find their way back to you; that one person who can always make you laugh… that’s when nothing else matters. You don’t have to ask if they’re in love with you, you don’t have to ask if they like you as a person, and you don’t have to wonder if you two are meant to be; because when you get to a certain place where it all lines up and the time is right… you just know. Why else would he be there? Just be patient,  I waited 50 years for it.

 -Anonymously one of the wisest women I know

Much Love,

Lucy Loves Life…and amazing advice xx  

Disassembling the Past

“As you learn who you are, you can better surround yourself with friends who make you a better person, and that sometimes only happens when you disassemble old relationships.”

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As I get older and really begin to examine who I am and what I want, I almost feel like I re-live my past too often. Though recently, I’ve realized that’s how I grow. I spent a lot of time (as you guys can attest to) disassembling my first relationship and trying to really boil down to the “why?” of it all.  I used to think that the disassembling was obsessing and just reopening old wounds; looking back I was terribly wrong, and so glad I “obsessed” until my heart was content.

I disassembled him, I disassembled myself, and somewhere in those couple of months, I found my answers, and myself. I didn’t open old wounds, on the contrary, I closed them and never looked back in the same heart-breaking way. When I do look back, I can admit to missing him, especially when I disassemble and remember the good times, but I also found the closure that he would never be right for me and that looking back wasn’t a sign of weakness. 

I truly learned what I want (and REALLY dont want) from my future relationships, I learned that he was the one “punching” (I’ll thank GZ for that revelation), and I learned to truly appreciate our time; because if nothing else, it contributed to the relationship I am growing now, and I couldn’t imagine life without it. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and GZ revelations xx

An Open Letter to Chubby with Braces and a Bad Dye Job

If I could go back and tell 17 year old me something, it would be this:

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Love happens everyday, find someone that will treasure you each and every one of those days, and love will naturally follow. Never fall for someone you know is not good for you. Know what you want, and don’t settle because it feels good. Those butterflies are temporary and one day you wake up hurt and alone, and you wont remember what those butterflies felt like. Find someone that says what they mean, and means what they say; you will grow to value that above everything else.

Don’t ever worry about being alone, only worry about falling and staying in love with someone who can never make you feel happy, secure, or cherished. It is better to be happy and alone, then to spend a countless amount of time missing someone that never deserved your affection in the first place. You may be slightly chubby with braces and a bad dye job now, but that does not determine who you are and what you deserve in a partner. One day you will walk into so much success, you wont even remember why you’re so scared of disappointing him right now.

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You deserve someone who will allow you to grow, who will never hold you back. You deserve someone who is attractive, intelligent, and respectful; they are out there and they want you too. You deserve someone that will stop at nothing to make you happy. You deserve to love yourself, for yourself.

So long as you are a woman, and he is a man, physical chemistry will be there; don’t let that chemistry rule your life. Playing house with someone doesn’t mean you’re in love or that you can spend your life with him. Being treated kindly by the man you gave your mind, body, and soul to, is a right, not a privilege; always remember that.

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The man that loves you (I mean REALLY loves you), and deserves you will give you everything you want and more than you even thought to ask for. The chemistry will be there, playing house will still give you those thoughts of forever, and you will feel that Hollywood style romance. You can have all of that, and not have to compromise things like mutual respect, true commitment, or lifelong happiness, so long as you remember you deserve it all. You deserve what you tolerate.

Last but not least, never give away any part of yourself under the assumption that he means everything he says. Nothing and no one is forever. Nothing and no one is once and a lifetime, unless you limit yourself to that. You know yourself better than anyone in this world does, never allow someone to rob you of your intuition.

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life…and teenage life lessons xx 

Now to Me

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I always said he would always be my one, and I’ve kept that promise…until now.

As twisted as it seems, allowing the same butterflies I had with him to bud in a new relationship makes me feel like I’m just as bad as him… I made a promise and now I’m choosing to break it. I could deal with us never being special to him, I could deal with feeling so disposable, but as I find myself replacing him so easily… It makes me feel like maybe something that meant the world, really was nothing, and not just to him, but now to me. 

Logically, I would be an absolute fool to keep any allegiance to him, and I clearly haven’t. It’s just a strange phase to move through, that’s all.

Am I alone in this? Can someone explain my crazy?

Much Love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and strange phases xx 

The Beauty of Uncertainty

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“She was lost in her longing to understand.”
—Gabriel Garcia Marquez 

I can sit here and theorize about what he feels and doesn’t feel, I can question myself on whether or not he truly loved me (or even knows what love is), and I can try to attach his life to every psychological theory I learn about. I can hate him for what he is, what he was brought up to be, and all of the things I can’t understand about him… or…I can remember that at one point, I loved him for all of it.

I can acknowledge that he did love me the best way he knows how, and though it may have never been “real love“, he gave me the best of what he understands it to be.

There are times I really wish I could go back and undo it. Loving someone who can never love you back is heartbreaking; there is no painless way out. However, I also remember that no matter how malicious his actions seem, they were not necessarily intentional. You see, hurt people, hurt other people, and he hurts the ones he loves the most.

“Each man kills the thing he loves.” -Oscar Wilde

As I seek to make sense out of the coldness of my mended heart, and the warmth of our life together in photos… I can choose to be lost and angry, in my lack of understanding; or I can admit that I don’t have all of the answers, and see that it hurt because I was the one he loved the most.

I’ve become perfectly content with getting lost in the beauty of uncertainty and only truly knowing one thing; sometimes love means being hurt by someone and empathizing for them even when you can’t understand it all yourself. 

Much love, 

Lucy Loves Life… and the understanding that I’ll never understand xx