It drives me mad to see “real women have curves, skinny women look like little boys,” or “when I see my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and she’s a troll, I laugh,” or really any saying that makes a woman feel the need to put another woman down to feel better about what she eats(or doesn’t), her genetics, and/or how well she conforms to beauty standards.
We should be better than that.
We should understand that people are made differently. Some women were born to eat lots of cake and still be tall and skinny, and some were made to be a little plumper while munching on celery, and that’s okay.
We should understand that no man is worth tearing down a fellow woman’s appearance or even character. We should be good enough to understand we are more than our fat percentage and how that makes men perceive us. We should understand that if you were with a man that is shallow enough to stay with you because you’re the “hottest” he’ll ever have, you are a fool, and so is he.
We should be good enough to compete for more than our hip to waist ratio, but for real accomplishments that require a mind, a soul, and a heart. We should be good enough to understand that we have a point to prove and using our brains to come up with clever ways to jab our fellow woman is 5 steps back. We should be good enough to expect to be loved for our intelligence, for our humor, and for our integrity…
We should be good enough.
I know we live in a society that tells us beauty is this monumental thing. I have been guilty of comparing myself to an ex-boyfriend’s current fling based on how much more attractive I am than her, instead of who we are as people and what we’ve accomplished in life. I have felt the sting of being an honors student and thinking “but am I pretty?”
I’m definitely not above that, I have fallen into it many times, but I pull myself back out, because I want to be good enough. As women, we are kind of wired to correlate beauty with success and love, but I have to be better than that, and I have come to expect that from anyone I give my time to; because that’s what “real women” are, not a size 0 or 12.
I had a pretty bad habit of only talking about my feelings when I’m upset, or hurt…but I think now is the time to change that. As you can see by the title, life is good right now, and because I write about the good in my journal, I’ll share that too.
Just Happy 11/18/2014
It has been an incredible weekend/early week…busy, but incredible. I feel complete, happy. I feel like life is exactly where it is meant to be right now.
School is going incredibly well. I am wrapping up the last project for my honors program, and I’ve already began making plans for next semester. I’ll be running for president of the honors society, leading a few of our charity events, and taking over a few group projects in order to make my resume as shiny as possible.
My honors coordinator has been handing me opportunities she thinks I have the potential to succeed in and I couldn’t be more grateful. She’s so confident in me, and I think it may be contagious. From being kind of dumb on paper to Ivy League? I. Can. Do. This.
My room is finally decorated the way I want it (thanks mom), my job is really great (thanks dad), and I have wonderful friends (the kind that volunteer to leave a party early so that she can attend/host my birthday shin-dig, thanks friend).
I went on a lovely date with the one who was always there. An incredible night that ended with an incredible present. The actual gift was beautiful, but what made it so special was the attention and care it took to know that it was the perfect gift. He listens to what I say, he takes it to heart, and he tries (and succeeds) to make me happy in the cute, little ways that every girl wants.
I’m not even sure if life really got better, or if the world is just a brighter place after letting go of my little piece of misery…I don’t know, but I’m content with not knowing, because I am happy. Just, happy. Life really is exactly the way I dreamed it would be (at this point in my life).
From a nasty comment from a not so anonymous reader, to a snarling, gossiping freak job… it has come to my attention that people get the impression that I think I’m perfect. As I mention below…. hahahahahahahahaha…oh honey boo-boo…how wrong you are.
I have my issues…as a matter of fact, one of the reasons I started this blog was to have a forum to process my craziness and share it with you. However, I do realize, that by the time I make a post, I have already processed it, learned a lesson from it, and leave out all the Lucy bashing in between.
So for those of you that take the time to read one blog where I sound a little conceited…here is a guide with all of things wrong with me…just to keep things in perspective.
1. I am the most awkward person you will ever meet
Seriously… I know that I look pulled together, but in reality, my mind is an awkward place to live. I laugh hysterically when I’m nervous, I make jokes in public that only I understand (and laugh at them), I find intense conversations with most people to be difficult, and when it comes to dating…there are few things in this world as awkward as me on a date with someone I haven’t known for ages.
2. I don’t like to do anything I am not above average in
A friend of mine would joke with me and say that he let me win at card games because if the win to lose ration got too big, I refused to play. Ridiculous, no? I will try most things at least once, but if I discover I’m not extraordinarily good at what I am doing, the chances of continuing that activity are quite low.
3. I am a control freak
This is the main reason I don’t like being drunk, I don’t like to be a guest for more than a few days, and I always need my own money (freedom). Being at the whim of someone else puts a massive strain on my mental state. I have to have my say, I have to have control of my space, diet, exercise, schedule, all things Lucy need to be in my control. I can lose that control for a few days…but don’t push it.
4. I am insanely critical of myself
Recently, a lot of people have started to think that I am hyper critical of everyone mentioned on my blog, and unable to see my own flaws. To all those people…..hahahahahahahaha, I wish. I can see all of my flaws brighter than I care to…I can even see the flaws most of you can’t. If you think I’m critical of others, you should see what I say to myself. Yeah, I think you’re a douche if you’re rude to me, and I may even write about it…but what you don’t see is the mental abuse I put myself through over any little reason I might have given you to hurt me. Anything negative that you can think about me, I have probably already spent months raking myself over the coals for.
5. I mean one thing and say something else
I have this insane ability to mean one thing, and translate it to mean something totally different to those around me. It takes someone I know really well to make sense of my head sometimes. I have gotten into arguments with people that agree with me, but if their words veer away from what I have rationalized it in my head, there is something about my mind that can’t handle that.
6. My emotions can get the best of me
I am passionate about everything I do, and life events are no different. This is one of those places where it is very easy for me to say one thing and rationally mean another. If I’m angry, I may chose the side of an argument that rational Lucy would never take. In times of sadness or hurt, I accept defeat and can be seen as passive aggressive or indifferent because I don’t have the stamina to defend myself. On the flip side, happiness can make me agree to things I never would. I am easily ruled by an excessive amount of emotion.
7. I can be completely cold
Have you all seen Frozen? Well, the part where she disappears in her crazy cave/ ice castle because she was angry/sad/hurt…yep, that’s me. And if someone tries to run after me and burst in to my crazy cave/ice castle while I am having a moment… that is the perfect set up for them to get hurt. I don’t necessarily want your advice, please don’t touch me, please don’t smother me, because if you insist on doing any of those things, I can’t promise that bad things won’t happen. I need that happy place to center myself, and go on acting like a normal human being…and if there is an intrusion, you will encounter the ice queen that likes to sing when she’s emotional. Okay, Frozen references over…now back to being 19.
8. I take it personally when my friends repeat my mistakes
One of the few times I choose to share personal information about myself, is when I feel like it could prevent them from making the same mistakes I have. The same goes for sharing any information that might defuse a messy situation from happening in general. I am the girl who worries when I see my friend getting with a sketchy guy and is willing to look like an idiot to do everything possible to prevent the same bad things that happened to me, from happening to her. It’s completely irrational, and sometimes it creates more problems than it fixes…but, it happens.
9. I aim so high I have no choice but to fail
If you are a close friend of mine, you saw the devastation that happened in my mind during the two weeks I thought I had only gotten a 3.8 GPA, instead of the 4.0 I set my sights on. My constant need for perfection is something I work hard to control, because for a few years there, I was just perpetually unhappy with my success. Most people would be thrilled with a 3.8, but because I set a personal goal for a 4.0 (perfection), that 3.8 was devastating.
Luckily, I miscalculated my GPA, and when I saw my official transcripts I had indeed gotten my pretty 4.0, but the lesson I learned from that faux 3.8 was a loud and clear. Calm. Down.
10. I can’t stand confrontation and I will avoid it like the plague
I cannot tell you how many times I have just let something blow up because the idea of confronting it was just way too daunting. This is especially true if I really love you. I have been crushed by something that was said or done, but instead of telling the person who brought on the hurt, I forgive them, let it go, and just let myself deal with hurt. Rationally, I know this is a crappy way to handle things, but irrationally, I can’t stand the idea of someone being angry with me… I would rather just be hurt in silence.
So there you have it…most of my crazy, in black and white. I don’t need encouragement, I am not beating myself up, I am writing this with a smile on my face, as I still think I am pretty great…I just thought I should put it out there. I am not perfect, nor did I ever claim to be. As a matter of fact, I am so imperfect that sometimes my imperfections convince people that I think more of myself than I actually do. Ridiculous, right?
I know my flaws people…and I know them well enough to be honest about them and my struggles. Now, can we all be friends?
Do you acknowledge your flaws? What do you about it? Feel free to email me! I’d love to hear from you!
I think this should become a game. I’ll post a music video, and you all can guess my emotion for the day, ha! This song brings amazing, and bittersweet memories.
Today, I am writing my personal statement for my induction into the honors society. I feel amazing and so proud of myself! This all comes with a little tinge of bittersweet-ness because of some of the personal issues I have going on (refer to video for ultra secretive insight)…but I freaking did it guys, and today is the perfect combination of awesome and bittersweet, much like this song.
Well guys, I’ve made it through my first month in blog land. I’ve decided that after every month I will recap what the last month taught me, and my new goals for the month to come. We will call this Where Is She Now: Lucy Edition. Like that Oprah show, but a thousand times cornier, and without, ya know, Oprah.
Because I have a million different things going, let’s break this into segments:
Diet & Fitness:
Wow oh wow. Quite a bit has changed in the last month, in a way that looks nothing like I thought it would a month ago. I made this trip with the intentions of completing the Whole 30, being a little cardio bunny, and looking super awesome when I left, see here for more detail.
Long story short, that didn’t happen. For the first week, I was eating really well, keeping the Whole 30 detox plan perfectly…and then my love of ice cream hit. It became pretty obvious that this extreme dieting wasn’t going to work out, as realized here. So I kind of just stuffed my face and started scrambling for something different. After watching Fat Head, I decided to give the 100 grams of carbs or less a day thing a chance. OH. MY. GOODNESS.
Where has this been all my life?!
Life was splendid. I knew how much I was eating, I could plan for a cheat (that wouldn’t actually screw me up), and life became simple/freakin awesome.
As for fitness, if you hadn’t guessed…I didn’t become a cardio bunny. On the contrary, I lift, like… properly. My workouts mainly consist of weight training, with two cardio days a week. The result?
I ACTUALLY HAVE A BUTT!!!!
I would post a photo but that’s just rude.
Granted, I’ve always had a booty, but in a month’s time, it has lifted and firmed up in ways I didn’t think possible in such a short amount of time. If that weren’t enough, I’ve also really come to love having a different form of progress. When being fit goes beyond the scale, and into a measurable change in my own strength, I feel empowered instead of just thinner… That is priceless! I didn’t expect a booty out of this whole thing…I just wanted to be skinnier. The scale has only moved two pounds, but how can I argue with this booty thing?
At the beginning of this month, I sat in the airport, holding back tears while examining the state of my life at that point in time. I was disappointed as I saw my family change and experience amazing things, while I just wallowed in the fact that my life had disintegrated in a year. Last month I sat in the airport as a girl still crushed by her break up, still mourning the summer before, terrified of what the next year had to bring, and still grieving everything my life no longer was without my boy… I won’t go into full detail, but here is a little glimpse into why I was having said meltdown. I am a professional pity party thrower, and that is exactly what I did.
A month later, and the only thing I have learned was how much I have learned! It was when I found myself all alone that I realized I needed to learn to love and grow myself, by myself for my sake, and for the sake of those around me. This month, I have done just that. Being away from my family/friends, having no distractions, and being so single it’s crazy, I had time to really find out who I am, and as it turns out…I really like myself.
When I wrote “Are You A Psychotic Girlfriend?” it made me realize just how much I have grown and blossomed on my own. As a result of all this new found confidence and stability, I am a better daughter, partner, friend, and person. The relationships I have with those I love are currently the best they have ever been. It wasn’t until this month that I realized that I was impossible to love, because I thought I was unlovable, not because I actually sucked at life. I crippled my own self esteem, and made everyone that came into my life, fix it. So once I changed that, life got brighter, the birds sung louder, and I cant think of anything to say more clique than that, so you’re welcome.
I owe all of these changes to my beliefs, the change in my family life, maturity, and my independent need for constant change and growth. So to keep that change and growth going, I’m going to go ahead an outline my goals for the coming month. Because my ultimate goal here is to build the very best version of myself before leaving to study in the United Kingdom (well, England), so naturally all of my goals are centered around those two things.
In the next month, I will be getting all my school stuff squared away, finalizing the papers for my induction to the honors program, studying for the SIX exams I have to take in November, writing an amazing personal statement, spending as much time with my friends and family as possible, and maintaining all of the awesome things I have achieved the previous month (especially the booty building thing). All while enjoying my summer and new found lessons.
A huge thanks to all of you that have commented,subscribed, shared, and helped to make this blog more successful than I could have ever imagined in such a short time.